02 May 06Apple Payroll Really Sick Of Administering Jobs' $1 Salary.

Sources within Apple’s payroll department indicate they are sick and tired of administering CEO Steve Jobs’ $1 salary and wish he’d “just get a fricking real salary already.”

Jobs has famously taken just a $1 per year salary while reaping great rewards in other forms of compensation, including a personal airplane. This allows the mercurial CEO to claim the high road by repeatedly pointing out that his compensation is exclusively performance-based.

But payroll administrator Beth Lao claims that Jobs’ $1 salary actually costs the company about $10,000 extra a year to administer.

For example, as Apple is on a bi-weekly pay schedule, Lao is forced to divide Jobs’ $1 salary by 26 and then apply any taxes.

“You know, it’s a fucking bitch trying to figure the FICA on 4 cents,” Lao said.

“And, of course, to make it come out to exactly $1, it’s not 4 cents every pay period. It’s 4 cents for 22 pay periods and then 3 cents for the other four. And Steve doesn’t want the four 3-cent pay periods to come all together, he wants them to come each at the end of a quarter.

“What a jackass.”

Further, Jobs must be taken out of the normal salary review process as he does not receive any cost of living increases and certainly not any market adjustments.

“There’s no field for that!” Lao shouted at the SAP salary administration screen shown on her computer. “He’s going to pop up every month and i’m going to have to put in a salary adjustment and then back it out! Mother fu…”

Lao has repeatedly asked her manager, Darren Pinales, why Jobs cannot simply be paid $10,000 a year and then donate the net of taxes to charity. Pinales has responded that if Lao would like to ask Jobs herself personally, he would be glad to fill out her termination notice.

No Responses to “Apple Payroll Really Sick Of Administering Jobs' $1 Salary.”

  1. Zeb says:

    FOIST again!!!! Woo hoo!

  2. MCJE says:

    “I’m PC. And I’m second. Again.”

  3. Ace Raider says:

    Thweeeeeeee!!!!1k!!!!

  4. Zeb says:

    Jobs pulling in a righteous buck a year. Hmmm, I wonder what Moltz pulls down and lets see ya calculate the F I C A on that eh!?

  5. Ace Raider says:

    I want to be the one to tell Teh Steve he’s not making enough money!

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    I say give him a dollar every pay period: the math is easier that way. Then, the day before Christmas, borrow $25 from him and never pay it back.

    The numbers work out and then everything is copacetic.

  7. Senator K says:

    Hmm, never thought of the accounting implications of the $1 salary.

    I better call the SEC.

  8. Nxxx says:

    Ace,
    Copacetic, good word, almost woody, but had to look it up in OED, which adds, adj, American, orig. unknown. It really is two nations divided by the same language. My arm hurts. Dictionaries are heavy. My brain hurts………………………. thinking.

  9. croikle says:

    setting up for..

  10. Aaron says:

    “With a certain generosity of spirit, the English-speaking nations can be said to include America.” — Sir Humphrey Appleby

  11. Tom says:

    ummm…

    SAP. Does that run on Macs? Do Apple do all their accounting on PCs? Is the moon made of green cheese? Where do babies come from?

  12. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and babies are from the moon. Green cheese is from the goat.

  13. Tom says:

    Did. Not. Know. That.

  14. I get more then a dollar a year so i am better.

  15. That Guy from RoboCop says:

    I’ll buy that for a dollar!

  16. yoyo says:

    I’m sick of this site. First I thought it was amusing but now I understand what a juvenile waste of time it really is. When is that idiot going to appear talking about his pants and mooing, oh how clever. Oh man! How I want to be first. Anywhere in the top three would be good. Or eleven, oh sweet elevenses.

  17. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Everyone be nice to yoyo, he/she/it is having a really bad day. I’m sure he/she/it didn’t mean all those nasty things he/she/it said. Sometimes when we do really stupid things (like wetting your pants), we want to just lash out at the world, or people with dry pants. What yoyo needs right now is a great big hug, once his pants are dry. Or maybe we should all tell yoyo to just go fuck him/her/it self.

    yoyo, if you can’t play nice, maybe it’s time for you to pick up all your ‘clever’ comments and go home.

  18. Del says:

    Yay!! we are up from infantile to juvenile. Thanks YoYo

  19. We must not be forgetting, that Herr Jobs is recieving a very nice flugzeug for his services a few years ago, which is much faster even than my own Fokker triplane, even though its paint scheme is not so jaunty. Also, it is having no machine guns at all, so I could easily be shooting it down, if I could catch up with it.

    Love,

    Manny

  20. Huh? says:

    I don’t know Del, we could take this right back to infantile in a BIG hurry.

    I wonder if there is a minimum amount for FICA, and if it just doesn’t apply to him.

    I mean, most of the other rules of the planet don’t…

    (withholds Pantsā„¢ comment, and moo to placate yoyo for the day)

  21. yoyo says:

    Hmm odd. I thought the second half gave away the jestiness of the first.
    Oh and my pants say they thank you for your concern but that they are quite dry now.

    moo šŸ˜›

  22. yoyo says:

    How bizarre! How truly bizzare! bizarre I tell you. BIZZARE!!! (If you say bizzare over and over again it starts sounding bizarre) Just for the record (ready record keepers), my attempt at mock sour grapes having failed (unless It is I who have failed to see the joke in Abe’s comment), I would like to say that I greatly admire the Pantsā„¢ man/woman/thing (though I remember not his/her/its name) and single him/her/it out for special attention in my MOCK ridicule because of my great soul consuming envy of his/her/its comic genius. Just to make this clear: this comment contains NO irony (and when I say there is “NO” irony in this comment, I mean there is a certain amount of it).

  23. UhhhDude says:

    I think it’s safe for all of us to moo in our pants now.

  24. Tom says:

    Ironing?

  25. Tom says:

    One thing I often hear said about Americans is that they don’t understand ironing?

    Thoughts?

  26. John Moltz says:

    What’s most important about ironing is shouting “HOT SIDE DOWN! HOT SIDE DOWN!” while you’re doing it. Because that’ll help you remember… you know… to keep the hot side down.

  27. UhhhDude says:

    I think they meant Iron-ey, as in “Iron-ey goodness.” (God, I miss Jack and AtAT.)

  28. blank says:

    Hmmm, $1/year…that’s one iTMS song plus change. The accountants would still whinge over the penny, I’d bet.

    Hey, maybe that’s why Steve fought the price increases the record companies wanted, so he could still afford his one song per year purchase. How sad. I think he should be paid at least enough for a whole album per year. He’s worth it.

    The earliest instance of the use of the word “copacetic” I’ve encountered is a first-wave Ska song (released about 1967) of the same name by a band called “The Rulers.” However, since this band is from Jamaica, I don’t think the word is necessarily of American origin. It’s probably British in origin by way of Jamaica. Wasn’t Jamaica once a colony of theirs?

  29. UhhhDude says:

    Even Wikipedia isn’t sure what the word means. And Wikipedia is never wrong!

  30. Michael Dell says:

    you suck at quotation marks

  31. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    I guess the yoyo is on me.

    I love this site, and my iron, and I missed the tone of yoyo’s comment and rushed to defend the honor of the site and it’s members.

    I beg forgiveness, for me, and my pants.

    I feel depressed, perhaps I’ll go to see a play.

  32. RelationalDB says:

    That word: “copacetic”.

    It’s interesting and curious that that word should appear here.

    My first ever hearing it, or of it, was in the context of Jazz;
    Duke Ellington, especially; implying a certain kind of coolness.
    The pity is that most of those guys who might have known anything
    about the use of “copacetic” and where they got it from are dead now.

    Sitting at home, wondering.

  33. Tom says:

    It has been noted that failure to observe Moltz’s suggestion can result in “OUCH. SHIT! OUCH SHIT! OUCH. SHIT!”

    Alternatively the whiny “I can’t do irony, I don’t understand irony. [Non-gender specific house resident, eg. girlfriend, mother, gay friend, or sister] will you do my irony?” can help avoid further difficulties in the irony department.

  34. Tom says:

    However, usually that results in “do your own bloody irony”

  35. Tom says:

    Irony? Is that right?

    Sure it was ironing…

  36. ReCompile says:

    Actually, The real dirt on this story is that Stevie figured out a way to out smart the IRS. Given that the taxes cannot be figured properly as Beth Lao claims, Stevie makes out with a cool 27.6 cents per year that he is actually NOT paying taxes on! And to boot, it is all totally legal! This just shows the utter Genius of our leader.
    On that note, I immediately had my boss reduce my pay to $1 a year as well. Now I too have defeated the IRS!

  37. Werner Waimarana says:

    Elmore Leonard tough-but-good guys love saying copacetic. In that context it usually seems to mean “clear” or “sweet” or “she had her head cut off and was skull-fucked by some long-term stalker she never told anyone about”. It’s his way.

  38. iBode says:

    I bet the vending machines on the Apple campus charge more than a dollar for pop (soda/coke/carbonated fizzy drink).
    Poor Steve.

  39. Ergo says:

    I love to listen to Coast to Coast with George Nori.They talk about aliens and ELE and other mish mash. And George Nori always makes it seem so credible. George Nori is a wonderful guy. George Nori. Nori….NORI!!! NORI IS IRON SPELLED BACKWARDS!!! It’s all so clear to me now! The aliens, the intel processors, the reality distortion field! The OUCH SHIT OUCH SHIT!
    Steve Jobs is the underpaid overlord of the coastal to coastal ironing pants juvenile moo, moo, moon rocks.

    Ok I completely lost my train of thought.

    Just say moo.

  40. Ace Raider says:

    Moo.

  41. Step says:

    Haha! Love it, Yoyo. Don’t know how everyone missed it, I was totally on to you.

    (and by totally, I mean I was fairly sure you were pulling our chains, but was willing to go with it even if you claimed I was wrong, thus turning everything you then claimed into a big joke…)

    oh well. Stupid east coast and stupid late night flights – I miss all the best discussions.

  42. Classic CARS! Should be in the Reno Auto Museum!

    LAST POST or LOST PRIEST

  43. Werner Waimarana says:

    LASTEST (or LOSTEST)

  44. lisa80 says:

    oh,i like here

    and http://www.heyjokes.com

    have a nice day with you

  45. great blog, keep it comming.

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