03 May 06Apple Switching To Windows.

The Macintosh community was devastated to learn today via a report on osViews that Apple will be switching to Windows.

According to an article by “Sharp”, Apple will migrate from the Mach kernel to Windows Vista, fulfilling the vision of at least some, “Sharp” said.

One camp believes Apple MUST adopt Windows in order to survive.

While it is undeniably true that Apple MUST adopt Windows in order to survive, research by Crazy Apple Rumors Site staff indicates that other things this group believes are:

  • If you’re ever lost in the forest and you don’t have any food, you can survive for 8 weeks by eating your own liver.
  • That kid Mikey from the Life cereal commercials died by drinking Coke and eating Pop Rocks at the same time.
  • If you want something bad enough and you wish really, really hard and you write a crappy web editorial as if it were going to happen, it just might!

Still, they are right that it is undeniably true Apple MUST adopt Windows to survive.

Sadly, the Mac community is still in denial over Apple’s decision to migrate to Windows.

“Hmm, I’m not so sure,” said Daring Fireball‘s John Gruber. “Normally I believe everything I read on the Internet, but the whole thing just sounds so completely, intensely, and painfully stupid to me. I actually have a headache after reading ‘Sharp”s posts.

“But he does have a cool 3-D diagram of the different technologies all fitting together like a puzzle, so… maybe it is true.”

After reading the following passage, however, Gruber quickly moved from “denial” into the “anger” phase.

Now in 2006, the Intel compatible version [of OS X] is out and bundled with the new machines. But just like it led a secret life for 5 years, the Runtime Layer version (like OPENSTEP on Sun, or Rhapsody on WinNT) is at their disposal. So, evidently, they’re looking to Vista to be the underpinnings of the continued “Mac look & feel” and allow their userbase to run ALL Mac OS X app’s as well as ALL Windows app’s natively.

“That’s so unreadable that I really have no idea what exactly he means,” Gruber said. “There are some wild leaps of logic there but…

“OH, MY GOD, APPLE’S CONVERTING TO WINDOWS!”

“Sharp” did not mention that the future Mac OS as he describes it would, by definition, be just as susceptible to existing Windows malware, nor did he explain how switching to an underlying architecture that it has no control over would somehow make Apple more viable.

But, the ability to run Windows apps with an Apple interface would just be so unbelievably boss-a-rific that no explanation was needed.

Because all Mac users love Windows apps. And, really, what Apple MUST have to survive is that vertical market point-of-sale system for the wholesale dental supply industry.

But it is an anonymous comment on “Sharp”‘s original article at osViews that fleshes the story out and makes it clear how undeniably true – and boss – it is.

According to the comment, the decision to switch to Windows came at an Apple board meeting where posts by “MacRumors alumni” were read out loud and “largely agreed with”, prompting Steve Jobs to pick up the phone and call Bill Gates who agreed to delay Windows Vista until January so the announcements could be made at the same time.

So, don’t blame Microsoft for Vista being so late.

Puh-leeze.

As if.

Don’t go there, girlfriend.

What the post doesn’t say and Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been able to confirm is that Jobs then picked up a magical phone and called the following individuals and received their approval on the deal:

  • Ray Ozzie
  • The ghost of Amelia Earhart
  • The Easter Bunny
  • Santa
  • Aslan
  • Waldo

While the migration plan is all but assured, Crazy Apple Rumors Sites sources have forwarded a diagram detailing another proposed Macintosh platform of the future that is said to be as equally likely as that described by “Sharp” and is being presented as a last-ditch alternative by certain anti-Microsoft elements within Apple.

Apple would not comment officially for this story, other than to confirm that it is switching to Windows.

No Responses to “Apple Switching To Windows.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    Ace

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Deuce

  3. John Moltz says:

    Sheesh, someone had their Wheaties today.

    You might want to refresh as I just uploaded the image.

  4. John Moltz says:

    Hey, you got first post in the SAME MINUTE as the post! I’m not sure that’s been done before!

  5. Nxxx says:

    I’ve got double-glazing already. Does that mean I’m committed to Windows already?

  6. hp says:

    i knew a man called sixt once.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Stephen Colbert’s “Marshmallow Center” made me laugh harder than the one in this OS architecture graphic. That’s the difference between truth and rumor–one is funny while the other only smells funny.

    And Mr. Moltz, please use your spell-check tool: “boss-a-rific” should have only one “f.”

  8. Modrak says:

    n-th 🙁

  9. I WIN HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

    WINDOWS SUCKS BUT I DONT CARE, IT IS ON ALL COMPUTERS NOW!!!

    MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

  10. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    WINDOWS IS BETTER BECAUSE THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE IN THE WORLD USE IT…

    ALWAYS TRUST WHAT THE MAJORITY OF THE WORLD THINKS … THE WORLD IS FLAT!

  11. Dreil says:

    12th

    WERE DOOMED

    WINDOWS IS COMING

    WINDOWS IS COMING!!!!!

    FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES

  12. Werner Waimarana says:

    Molten hot magma! Where’s the molten hot magma in this diagram? SO unrealistic.

  13. El Capitano Corelli says:

    AHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, etc.

    My credulity sensor has just imploded.

    I like this bit:

    “It could work, but it feels like Genesis after Peter Gabriel. Still a band making songs, just not the tunes that originally made you a fan.

    “This is the ‘Phil Colins era’ of the Macintosh. Su-su-sudio!”

    Is that meant to be a recommendation?

  14. Tom says:

    Moltz. You did it again. Made us angry.

    Mac OS W. If you say that really quickly over and over again it doesn’t sound like sex.

    So why would you do it?

    You can tell that dude was a Windows dude. His idea of improving an OS appears to be spending years and billions of dollars (yeah okay not pounds…) attempting the incredibly difficult task of porting to a new core, which then undoubtedly turns out to be worse, less secure less stable etc., than the final iteration of your previous system AND as it looks the same as it did before leaves the user wondering what they just paid for.

    MILLIONS more apps for PC. Well maybe, but who wants them? Seriously. If I want software to do something I google for it, and I have not yet not found something I need. Cocoa has made a huge difference in that regard. It is mainly just stick in the mud big corporation stuff that doesn’t work on the Mac now, often there are alternatives, and if there aren’t? In such cases Windows compatibility might be worth it, but at the expense of leaving the core market with no reason not to migrate to Windows anyway? I don’t think so.

    Oh dear, is this too serious?

    Baaa

    Lame

  15. Slowpoke says:

    that diagram looks lovelly, but i’d personally prefer a carmel centre*. That would avoid some known issues with X11 and Marshmellow Processes.

    *I’m british, but even so, the british spelling still looks odd.

  16. Pan says:

    How did Steve find Waldo? It’s been 19 years and I’m still on page 4.

  17. NWJR says:

    “So, evidently, they’re looking to Vista to be the underpinnings of the continued “Mac look & feel” and allow their userbase to run ALL Mac OS X app’s as well as ALL Windows app’s natively.”

    All your userbase are Apple.

    Or something.

  18. Tom says:

    I like the use of the word ‘evidently’ a word with similar rhetorical power is ‘clearly’.

  19. […] Crazy Apple Rumors Site has confirmed: Apple is indeed switching to Windows: But, the ability to run Windows apps with an Apple interface would just be so unbelievably boss-a-riffic that no explanation was needed. Because all Mac users love Windows apps. And, really, what Apple MUST have to survive is that verticle market point-of-sale system for the wholesale dental supply industry. […]

  20. A priest, a rabbi, and a car salesman says:

    My cousin’s roomate’s friend told me about the marshmellow center months ago.

    WE DIDN’T LISTEN!
    WE DIDN’T LISTEN!

  21. ISO says:

    Monsieur Moltz,

    We designate your modele ISO Standarde 900015-3b Meecrosof OS W.

    I commend you to solving ze problem zat has confounded scientiste at Meecrosof…ow to stop ze evil goat eating ze mershmellow centerr.

    Bravo!

  22. Spell Greek says:

    “boss-a-riffic”

    “verticle”

    “Aqual”

    Surely, you are mistaken!

  23. Buthidae says:

    I KNEW that Evil Goat would end up controlling my life!

    Moltz, you have burned my soul with those two links.

  24. Huh? says:

    My Pants™ felt that the CARS reports lately have had a different ‘Look and Feel’ to them. So I decided to find out just what exactly is going on,
    so I did some research, and intel gathering at the CARS H.Q.

    Turns out that Moltz’s creamy marshmellow center has been replaced with jam.
    RASPBERRY JAM!!!
    OH THE HORROR!!!!!

    It’s a conspiricy I tell YOU!!!

    moo

  25. Anonymous says:

    Vertical?

  26. John Moltz says:

    One time I thought my creamy center had been replaced by raspberry jam.

    Turned out I had a prostate infection.

    True story.

    And as one who’s been there, gents, let me tell you…

    YOU DON’T WANT A PROSTATE INFECTION.

  27. blank says:

    The presence of “Evil Goat” in the chart is why I’m convinced of this rumour’s accuracy. We’re doomed as doomed can be, you know.

  28. CTHULHU says:

    THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR OF THIS RUMOR IS WHAT MAKES IT SO TASTY! IT’S ALMOST ENOUGH TO MAKE ME FEEL MY WORK HERE IS DONE!! ALMOST, BUT NOT QUITE!!!

  29. Saikou Yuden says:

    I see java and cocoa, where’s the tea? Could there be another Apple lawsuit brewing?

  30. Bandar the Invinsible says:

    …30 – Love…
    …40 – love…
    _that’s good love baby! *drags off of the cig*

  31. Michael Dell says:

    will dell switch to mac os then?
    \

  32. dee cee says:

    Maybe funnier that Moltz’ post is the people who take the original post seriously.

    Talk about ROFLMAO.

  33. dee cee says:

    Oh… 34 and 35.
    Somebody has to.

  34. John C. Randolph says:

    Holy Crap! Who told you about Marshmallow Center? I was at Apple for 3 1/2 years, and nobody even breathed a word of that to me!

    Damn, Moltz.. Who do you know over there?

    -jcr

  35. Ahnyer Keester says:

    One of the best CARS in quite a while!

    Ah, isn’t fun to make fun of people? Obviously “Sharp” had it coming. He’s the victem of Bill Gates’ rip off of Steve’s Reality Distortion Field. While Bill was warping reality around “Sharp” he got a Blue Screen of Death and not poo “Sharp” is left hanging somewhere between reality and the marshmallow center! Poor “Sharp”

    I just want to know how it is possible that the old Commodore 64 EPROM didn’t get a layer in there? :-/

  36. Michael Dell, the answer is no.

    We’re porting a virtual Mac OS X and virtual Classic support to Windows Vista Beta, but of course without any support for the file systems. We’re just not really good at that part yet. 2008-2009 we’ll get that new Vista file system out there. I think. Keep your fingers crossed. Perhaps your toes too. Until then it’s all about the NTFS, baby! We’re even writing a super-kewl migration tool for people who’ve migrated from Windows to Mac OS and now back to Windows on Apple h/w. It will automatically rename your files to ALL CAPS and 8 characters only with a ALL CAP three character file type, but none of those wacky, okay for the Mac Extended FS characters like ? or ” or (|) or any other subversive, commie characters or character sets.

    Oh, stop complaining, we’ve all got 100% market-share on the desktop now. Don’t worry, be happy.

  37. FEMBOTS!!!!! rlrrlrrlrrlrowwwww baby!

  38. yoyo says:

    This is great HOT SIDE DOWN! HOT SIDE DOWN! news, Everyone only HOT SIDE DOWN! uses Macs for the pretty HOT SIDE DOWN! boxen. Only HOT SIDE DOWN! idiots think Mac OS X is HOT SIDE DOWN! better than windows HOT SIDE DOWN! HOT SIDE DOWN!!!!

  39. The Damned Ghost Of Tookie says:

    The Earth’s Crust at the bottom makes me confident.

    An OS should always have a good foundation.

    (rimshot)

    Thank you.

    Where’s the lesbian core, though???

  40. Andrew says:

    This chart is missing the cornerstones of a quality macintosh operating system:
    Open Doc
    Quickdraw GX to replace PDF!
    Quickdraw 3D to replace OpenGL

  41. Hash Brown says:

    God damn write something sensible…. do you comment the posts or saying shit what kind of bullshit is that…

  42. […] …switch to Windows (Link – 2006 Crazy Apple Rumors story with a link to the original that was apparently so bad it was taken down). […]

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