The Apple community was outraged to learn today that Apple has been caught in what government regulators are calling a viral obsolescence scheme.
According to sources within the Justice Department, Apple executives conspired with trend setters, posers and members of the media and the online community to create a sense of urgency around upgrading their iPods or risk being uncool.
As the iPod market has become saturated, Apple used the only means available to it to generate new sales to those who already owned one: peer pressure.
In one Justice Department document forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Apple executives are accused of paying college students to roll their eyes and scoff whenever one of their peers was seen using an iPod that was more than one generation behind the current release.
Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller vehemently denied the charge.
“That is categorically false,” a visibly angry Schiller said. “We never paid anyone to do that.
“We were going to, but then we realized we didn’t have to. They were already doing it for free.”
Despite the seriousness of the charges, the Justice Department is declining to take any action against Apple.
“It’s actually not illegal,” Special Prosecutor David Rivera said.
“I mean, it kind of pisses me off because… well… that iPod mini I had was just fine. Just because [Attorney General] Alberto Gonzales said hot pink was a sissy color is no reason for me to have gone out and bought a 60 GB video iPod. Particularly when my whole music collection is only 10 GB.”
Sighing heavily, Rivera speculated “I dunno. Maybe I’ll get into ‘Scrubs’.”