04 May 06Apple Engaged In Viral Obsolescence Scheme.

The Apple community was outraged to learn today that Apple has been caught in what government regulators are calling a viral obsolescence scheme.

According to sources within the Justice Department, Apple executives conspired with trend setters, posers and members of the media and the online community to create a sense of urgency around upgrading their iPods or risk being uncool.

As the iPod market has become saturated, Apple used the only means available to it to generate new sales to those who already owned one: peer pressure.

In one Justice Department document forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site, Apple executives are accused of paying college students to roll their eyes and scoff whenever one of their peers was seen using an iPod that was more than one generation behind the current release.

Senior Vice President of Worldwide Marketing Phil Schiller vehemently denied the charge.

“That is categorically false,” a visibly angry Schiller said. “We never paid anyone to do that.

“We were going to, but then we realized we didn’t have to. They were already doing it for free.”

Despite the seriousness of the charges, the Justice Department is declining to take any action against Apple.

“It’s actually not illegal,” Special Prosecutor David Rivera said.

“I mean, it kind of pisses me off because… well… that iPod mini I had was just fine. Just because [Attorney General] Alberto Gonzales said hot pink was a sissy color is no reason for me to have gone out and bought a 60 GB video iPod. Particularly when my whole music collection is only 10 GB.”

Sighing heavily, Rivera speculated “I dunno. Maybe I’ll get into ‘Scrubs’.”

No Responses to “Apple Engaged In Viral Obsolescence Scheme.”

  1. who says:

    first EVER

  2. Nxxx says:

    What is an iPod?

  3. Zeb says:

    FORE!!!!! TH!!!!!

  4. Dreil says:

    5th!!!!!!!

    Darn college students, always being the trend setters.

    I mean, whats wrong w/ my 1st G iPod w/ 5g of memory?

  5. Holger says:

    fuck, again sixt! –> that drives me crazy đŸ˜‰

  6. Hello my name is Bill Gates, I think you know me.

  7. I HATE USING CAPS LOCK BUT I CAN’T TURN IT OFF BECAUASE I HAVE A VIRUS THAT WONT LET ME DO THAT.

  8. I KNOW THAT THE MAC IS SUPERIOR, BUT I DON’T THINK THAT I CAN USE IT BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ENOUGH MONEY FOR ONE.

  9. I AM BORED, I HAVE GIVEN UP ON VISTA, THEY WONT LET ME PUT A PHOTO OF ME IN THE MY PICTURES FOLDER ON EVERY COPY OF VISTA SOLD.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    I’m waiting for the iPod to mature before I buy in. Let them work the kinks out first, then we’ll see.

    Plus, the Beatle catalogue has to be available on iTunes; otherwise I can’t have a well-rounded digital music collection, can I?

    Finally, I want to have every piece ever recorded by Yo Yo Ma, and that won’t be possible until his career is over. He’ll have to die or get severe arthritis at some point.

    Dozenth!

  11. MonkeyShine says:

    Oooooh lucky 13.

    I had to cover my 2nd gen 10GB iPod’s sensitive little eyes while I read this story! Can you imagine what would happen if it realized it wasn’t “cool” to other iPods anymore?!

  12. Papa? Papa, you said… You said…

    Wwahahahahahaha!!!

    *Slams door to its room, sobbing*

  13. Jon says:

    The future iPod OS will be based on Vista.

  14. Exploding Cellos 'R' Us says:

    Ace,
    Make it worth our while and………….

    Send for our FREE illustrated brochure.

  15. Ahnyer Keester says:

    You’re just finding out about this? Duh! Apple had this “coolness rigging” thing worked out from the day big Steve said “I’ve got one in my pocket”.

    Actually, I’m afraid it is nothing more than an emotional scar. Michael Dell used to pick on little Stevey Jobs in 7th grade. He once rubbed Stevey’s face in some grass that big Mikey Wilkington farted on only a few days before. Ever since Steve’s been trying to get Dell back and by excluding him from the iPod/iTunes thing, I think Steve is finally showing Dell who the tough guy really is.

    Tragic really.

  16. Ergo says:

    Hey monkeyshine.
    I don’t care if he is overemotional about his kistch, slamming his door is disrepectfull! Remove his tiny little door from its microscopic hinges and tell him privacy is a privilege, not a right!

  17. Ergo says:

    iPods today! They think they got all these digital rights!

  18. NWJR says:

    But what does this say about my MiniDisc Walkman?

  19. Huh? says:

    My iPod used to be such a nice audio player…
    Then it was corrupted by the older pods. All it does is hang out at the mall, smoking with the other iPods. Robbing purses…
    Such a shame…

    *************************
    After reviewing the above section of my post, I realize it is not as funny as I hoped.
    For those of you who did not find it funny either, please accept this gratitious Pantsâ„¢ comment, and a gracious…

    moo

  20. Buthidae says:

    My new 4GB engraved Nano arrived on thursday – I can’t wait for the new generation to be released on Tuesday, to be followed by a second new generation on Wednesday!

  21. Arana says:

    Error checking error at CARS!!!

    Special Prosecutor David Rivera couldn’t have been storing his “10 GB” music collection on an iPod mini! The maximim capacity of any version of the mini is 6 GB!!! I have a feeling that everything in this story might not be completely factual… But perhaps special versions of the iPod are made available to those associated with the Supreme Court?

  22. Tom says:

    There has been an increase, recently, in anal retention in the region of the CARS message board.

    Stand back, I think it’s going to blow.

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    Laws of retro say that 1st gen iPod owners will one day be hip and happening again.

    Where can I get a replacement stylus for my Messagepad?

    I so want one of these:

    http://star-trek-communicator.summitone.co.uk/communicator/

  24. UhhhDude says:

    I scoff at the nano. My iPod mini holds more songs and is cheaper. Where’s the value? Pff.

    So what if my library just exceeded 6GB? Some of that stuff is kinda crappy anyway. You know, the filler songs off the CD that no one listens to. I only listen to the best on my iPod mini!

    Let me know when nanos hit $100 and then I’ll care. (I’ll also be selling a gently used iPod mini at that time, so stay tuned!)

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be back to work trying to open the case to my eMate 300…

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