15 May 06Heinen Fired For Failure To Have Testicles.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen was released from the firm after failing to produce a pair of testicles.

According to sources within Apple’s Human Resources department, Heinen was asked by CEO Steve Jobs to provide validation that she did, in fact, have the pair of testicles that were explicitely listed as a requirement for employment in her contract with the firm.

“Apple has a strict policy that its senior executives be male,” a source said.

Heinen reportedly snuck in by cleverly exploiting a legal loophole by claiming that she owned a pair of testicles, even though they were not attached to her body.

“We also prefer our executive to be white,” the source added.

Indeed, perusing Apple’s recently updated executive profiles page indicates that, while all the current executives appear to have testicles, only Sina Tamaddon appears to be non-white. Unfortunately – and this may be a bad indicator for Tamaddon – while all the other executives’ links go to a brief biography and a high-resolution photo, only Tamaddon’s goes to just the photo.

As it is difficult then to determine his ethnicity, this has lead many Apple followers to conclude that Tamaddon is either a space alien or a robot.

Or both.

Heinen’s image, of course, was hastily removed from the page recently after a suspicious CEO Steve Jobs finally confronted her about the testicles.

“We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.

“She didn’t tell me where she got them and I didn’t ask.”

When push came to shove, however, Heinen was either unwilling or unable to produce a pair of testicles. Late in April, Heinen reportedly stalled for time by saying that she had “loaned out the testicles to a friend who had forgotten to return them and then went on vacation and [she] couldn’t get a hold of them.”

“Them” apparently meaning either the friend or the testicles. Apple’s male board members were apparently not impressed as they are usually quickly able to get a hold of their testicles.

The company has begun an executives search for a replacement for Heinen. The job posting reportedly reads “must have own – attached – testicles.

“Prefer that they be white.”

No Responses to “Heinen Fired For Failure To Have Testicles.”

  1. Holger says:


  2. semmel says:


  3. Streetrabbit says:

    Is it stipulated that the executives actually be able to see their testicles?

    If so then Oppenheimer could be in trouble.

  4. Streetrabbit says:

    …and Jonathan Ive’s not white…and he spells his name all wrong.

    Then there’s the whole Jobs Middle Eastern connection. “Did not know that.”

  5. Louise says:


    Sweet, update! The end of my agony and the intense clicking of the refresh button!

    I errm. Had the day off. Needed something to do with my time.

  6. iBode says:

    Sounds suspiciously like an affair to me.

    Steve took her into his office to see if she had testicles. And he definitely found out the answer.

    Steve, nothing escapes your will, does it?

  7. Dreil says:

    yay CARs is back

    and 9th

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Finally, an executive position for which I qualify!

  9. Anonymous says:

    I’m nothing but testicles

  10. Nxxx says:

    We wait a whole week for this? Bill Gates could and does do better.

    BTW: Thanks for the Britney autograph and hope the morning sickness isn’t too bad.

  11. Ficko says:

    Does this mean that Goebbels could not have aspired to the Apple boardroom?
    Setting up for unlucky……….

  12. Huh? says:

    Shoot! I knew I forgot to get those back to her…

    I mean, my Pants™ enjoyed having them around, but I didn’t think Jobs would call her on it quite so soon….

    Sorry Nancy…


  13. NWJR says:

    “We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.”

    Probably her husband’s.

  14. A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Hooker says:

    There’s a funny comment to be made about testicles, but it eludes me. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I’m sure it has something to do with the Black Eyed Peas and Stacy Ferguson.

  15. UhhhDude says:

    Does that mean you’re unqualified to serve if you own more than two?

  16. Nicholas Chapman says:

    I remember something my grandfather once told me. If you look at the board of directors for almost any corporation, it will be composed of older white men, except for one black man and one woman. Sad how often that is true.

  17. A priest, a rabbi, and a car salesman says:

    I might be mistaken, but didn’t you just describe the Supreme Court?

  18. Tom says:

    The forthcoming Intel-based iBook (NOT “MacBook,” although that separate midrange product line will also be introduced soon with the MacBook Thin and later, MacBook Gamer) didn’t premiere earlier this week as much of the grapevine had prematurely speculated….but the update to an Intel-built hardware platform is indeed imminent. Pricing will not drop as much as had been hoped for, but performance will make a huge leap forward. More details will follow….

    MOSR strikes again!

  19. Nxxx says:

    Anyone noticed Steve has suddenly developed more hair, or it it an old photograph used for vanity?

  20. Steve Jobs says:

    I’m Lebanese for crying out loud. (Though my crying is done in a crying closet!)

    We are one of the most enlightened companies when it comes to hiring women and minorities. We only discriminate on the basis of religion. It’s Apple, Zoroastrianism or the road buddy! Well, Ba’hai qualifies since they think all religions are valid. But only just barely!

    Okay, well we don’t hire cavemen, or aliens with bad attituds either. Dog photographers are out, and people name Moltz. But the rest are just fine!

    Sexbot are explicitly allowed.

  21. […] My fascination with all things Apple has me occasionally reading the (likewise, occasionally) funny Crazy Apple Rumors Site. Yesterday’s post was mildly funny, with a bit of corporate social commentary thrown in for good measure. What I found most interesting, though, was a very nice example of them being deliberately ambiguous between singular and plural. (Emphasis added.) […]

  22. Del says:

    Nancy I’d like to offer my services to help you keep your position at Apple. I’ve got a nail gun, stapler, super glue and a set of testicles that I can sell you cheap. Let me know when you are ready to get your job back.

  23. 2000guitars says:

    Hmmmmmm let me check….

    Yup I qualify.

    Apparently, this job is BYOB…

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Nxxx, damn you! John/Britney Moltz/Spears always liked you better. I didn’t get any autographed picture and I’m the one who gave him/her Zofran® for the morning sickness.

    No, wait. So could John/Britney get a job on the board of Apple? I know Job’s stated above that no one name Moltz was eligable but s/he could go by Britney to get around that one and John to meet the hardware requirements.

    Just thinking out loud here.

  25. Ken says:

    Recognized with numerous design awards, Apple products have become celebrated design icons featured in the permanent collections of museums worldwide including MOMA in New York and the Pompidou in Paris.

  26. eddgtsee says: