Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that former Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen was released from the firm after failing to produce a pair of testicles.
According to sources within Apple’s Human Resources department, Heinen was asked by CEO Steve Jobs to provide validation that she did, in fact, have the pair of testicles that were explicitely listed as a requirement for employment in her contract with the firm.
“Apple has a strict policy that its senior executives be male,” a source said.
Heinen reportedly snuck in by cleverly exploiting a legal loophole by claiming that she owned a pair of testicles, even though they were not attached to her body.
“We also prefer our executive to be white,” the source added.
Indeed, perusing Apple’s recently updated executive profiles page indicates that, while all the current executives appear to have testicles, only Sina Tamaddon appears to be non-white. Unfortunately – and this may be a bad indicator for Tamaddon – while all the other executives’ links go to a brief biography and a high-resolution photo, only Tamaddon’s goes to just the photo.
As it is difficult then to determine his ethnicity, this has lead many Apple followers to conclude that Tamaddon is either a space alien or a robot.
Heinen’s image, of course, was hastily removed from the page recently after a suspicious CEO Steve Jobs finally confronted her about the testicles.
“We knew, of course, that Nancy was a woman,” Jobs said. “But she long assured us that she had a pair of testicles that she kept in a safety deposit box somewhere.
“She didn’t tell me where she got them and I didn’t ask.”
When push came to shove, however, Heinen was either unwilling or unable to produce a pair of testicles. Late in April, Heinen reportedly stalled for time by saying that she had “loaned out the testicles to a friend who had forgotten to return them and then went on vacation and [she] couldn’t get a hold of them.”
“Them” apparently meaning either the friend or the testicles. Apple’s male board members were apparently not impressed as they are usually quickly able to get a hold of their testicles.
The company has begun an executives search for a replacement for Heinen. The job posting reportedly reads “must have own – attached – testicles.
“Prefer that they be white.”