17 May 06Apple's Retail Success Due To Ether.

[Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica.

Which, admittedly, I shouldn’t have done. But that’s no reason to go off on Gordy like that.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of certain chemicals on the human brain.

An environmental survey of various retail chains across the nation revealed that the air in Apple Stores contains unusally high concentrations of ether.

“We experimented with different music, different lighting,” said a remarkably frank Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson. “But ultimately we found that pumping the room full of ether increased sales the most.

“It also increased repeat traffic as people kept coming back into the store, even though they didn’t know why. Or, often, even remember they had been in there before.”

Indeed, according to one anecdote, a curious Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer wandered into the Bellevue Square Apple Store, bought four Mac minis, eight iPods and a Power Mac G5. The next day he woke up drooling and sweaty in a dumpster in Kirkland.

That, of course, was just part of Ballmer’s ordinary Friday night routine and unrelated to the inhalation of the ether.

Apple does credit the strategy with increasing its switcher sales.

Coming to outside the Chandler Fashion Center Apple Store, sudden Apple customer Bill Blanchette, his arms laden with white Apple shopping bags, groggily asked “Unnnhh… What happened? What did I buy?

Oddly, Apple’s stock was up on the news of its ether retail strategy.

[Don’t forget to scroll down to Moltz’s utterly, utterly false and wrong interpretation.]

No Responses to “Apple's Retail Success Due To Ether.”

  1. Zeb says:

    FOIST boo yah!

  2. acl says:

    I’m not really first, but I do like the spreadsheet theory best…

  3. Zeb says:

    Three number ONE posts in a row!
    Time to kick back and retire, ahhhhh….
    Back off ya jealous bastards!!!!


  4. Nxxx says:

    Fantastic post Young Johhny.
    Who the hell is MacGruder?

  5. Holger says:

    fifth! – overall I am winner these days!

  6. Rev says:

    Sith. Lord Rev, Sixth Master.
    MacGruder is Chet. Read your “Meet the Staff” link, Nixx!

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    The ether would explain why I have three Xserves when my G5 tower should be plenty for what I do.

  8. Werner Waimarana says:

    Actually, this is what I really wanted to say…

  9. Werner Waimarana says:

    Nein? Ja.

  10. Werner Waimarana says:

    Much better than the other. And a certain symmetry to boot, no? I mean, nein? Elevenses, anyone?

  11. Huh? says:

    My Pants™ like this one the best.


  12. Werner Waimarana says:

    Sir, your pants exhibit excellent taste. Either that, or it’s ether.

  13. Cochrane says:

    I like ether, the more chemistry, the better!

  14. Tom says:

    If that is the luminiferous ether things could be a bit different. As Fresnel would have said, if he were alive today and unaware that his theory had been discredited, a lot of ether would have made the Apple Stores much brighter. Light would travel faster, and it would travel in greater quantity (well perhaps, this might not actually be what he thought it did, but there). Also it might have made walking quite difficult.

  15. Tom says:

    Not sure if that was:
    a) Relevant
    b) Interesting
    c) Funny

    Oh well.

  16. blank says:

    While it’s really not good to dwell on such things, knowing that Ballmer always wakes up “drooling and sweaty in a dumpster” really gives this story the ring of truth.

  17. Del says:

    I have to think that Chet’s story is closer to being correct. Ether is totally plausible, and I have a hard time believing that Apple would make a deal with Satan when they do so much business with Cthulhu and GLAARKU. That is bound to cause some hang ups with the soon to be released MacBook Evil Exorcist CTHULHU Edition.

    Plus I thought Satan had an exclusive contract with Microsoft.

  18. Anonymous says:

    Why is everything on the site aligned center all of a sudden?

  19. John Moltz says:

    You must be using IE on Windows.

    For some reason it’s all centered in IE for Windows. Working on it.

  20. Buthidae says:

    John, don’t lead the poor guy on. We all know you did it on purpose – who wouldn’t! 🙂

  21. Buthidae says:

    lol, image smilies 😛

    Very tacky, Moltz.

    btw – 20th, and twenty-foist! I’m now going to go have nightmares about a sweaty Steve Ballmer…

  22. Ether bunny says:

    Who’s there?
    Ether who? Ether bunny.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Stella who?
    Stella nother ether bunny.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Justin who?
    Justin other Ether Bunny.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Samoa who?
    Samoa Ether Bunnies.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Beryl who?
    Beryl of ether bunnies.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Dewey who?
    Dewey have to listen to any more ether bunny jokes?

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s there?
    Consumption who?
    Consumption be done about all these ether bunnies?

    – The Ether Bunny


  23. Del says:

    Knock, Knock.
    Who’s there?
    Cargo who?
    Car Go beep beep no more Ether Bunny


    Stay on the sunny side,
    Always on the sunny side,
    Stay on the sunny side of life.
    You’ll feel no pain as we drive you insane,
    If you’ll stay on the sunny side of life.

    Knock, knock.
    Who’s There?
    Boo Who?
    Don’t Cry Easter Bunny be back next year.


    Stay on the sunny side,
    Always on the sunny side,
    Stay on the sunny side of life.
    You’ll feel no pain as we drive you insane,
    If you’ll stay on the sunny side of life.

  24. Ground Chuck says:

    So far, it looks like John’s article is getting more comments. Oops, I intended to post this on his. Bother.

  25. Nxxx says:

    The Carters, well Maybelle anyway, deserve greater respect.

  26. Guy Goma says:

    Actually If you can walk everywhere yoy are going to see a lot of people downloading the internet and the website and everything they want. But I think eh It is much better for development and eh to inform people what they want and to get the easy way and so faster if they are looking for.

  27. dkjfeoi says:

    it’s very good!

  28. lisa80 says:

    oh,i like here

    and http://www.heyjokes.com

    have a nice day with you

  29. xule says:


  30. sam says:

    Excellent! I was laughing so hard about the Balmer part that my whole office looked at me. Damn!