17 May 06Apple's Retail Success Due To Magical Spreadsheet.

[Because of a disagreement between staff reporter Chet MacGruder and myself over sourcing for today’s story on Apple’s retail success, the Entity decided we should run both stories. Personally, I couldn’t care less. If MacGruder wants to continue to embarrass himself by getting his rumors from Gordy down at the Gas-N-Sip, that’s fine with me.

People seem to keep reading them, so it’s no skin off my back. Anyway, my rumor is, like, double sourced from Schiller and, um… Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

OK, not really, but I’m totally sure it’s accurate. Totally.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of a magical spreadsheet.

According to Apple Senior Accountant Glenn Theisen, any numbers he inputs into the magical spreadsheet simply become the Apple retail sales figures for the month.

“I type the figures in here,” Theisen said, demonstrating, “And through the powers of the dark arts, our retail stores will generate exactly those figures in sales.

“ALL HAIL SATAN!” Theisen cried out, falling to his knees and raising his arms in supplication.

After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.”

Theisen first created the magical retail spreadsheet in 2001 when Apple launched its first retail stores and it has been in effect ever since.

Asked if were possible that his “magical” spreadsheet was actually simply mistakenly linked to by another spreadsheet that then fed the numbers directly into Apple’s SAP accounting system instead of the real numbers from Apple’s stores, Theisen coughed nervously.

“Actually, um, that occured to me. But I’ve kind of been afraid to check. I’m more comfortable with the magical spreadsheet theory.”

Theisen then returned to his cube where he kept his head as far below the wall as possible.

No Responses to “Apple's Retail Success Due To Magical Spreadsheet.”

  1. Zeb says:

    Foist again!!!

  2. starwxrwx says:

    you couldn’t care less, you mean. damn yanks.

  3. acl says:


  4. acl says:


    Still great article!

  5. […] [Moltz is, as usual, high on his own ego as well as prodigious servings of Vermont maple syrup candy. My sources are impeccable. Go ahead. Try to peck them. You can’t. Im-peccable. He’s just mad because I broke his talking Lost In Space original series B-9 robot 1/6 scale replica. […]

  6. acl says:

    Not first am I….

  7. Holger says:

    ..ok, seventh here, that makes sixth again….

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Actually, he could care less or more. I couldn’t care more, more or less.

  9. Werner Waimarana says:


  10. Huh? says:

    While my Pants™ enjoyed the other report, I found this one more enjoyable.

    I did have to wash the syrup off my hands afterwards, though…


  11. vxx says:

    11? and isn’t it I couldn’t care less?

  12. Tom says:

    The battle of who could care less.

  13. Slowpoke says:

    ‘I could care less’ implies that there is a level of ‘care’ing'(sp?) already present. ‘I could not care less’ implies that there is zero ‘care’ing’ and it would be impossible to have any less ‘care’.

    Ipso Facto, it is reasonable to assume, considering the overall tone of Moltzs comments, that he intended to say ‘I couldn’t care less’. But messed it up cos he’s a dumb ass yank. No offence John. But you are a yank, the dumb ass bit comes with the territory… embrace it… that’s the best I can offer you.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Ohhh! We’ve had this whole caring thing before.

    Move on people!

  15. Tom says:

    World Hunger? I could care less.

    Number of pubes inside Steve Balmer’s ‘pube safety deposit box’? I couldn’t care less.

    Although I may have those two the wrong way around. I could care more.

  16. NWJR says:

    “After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.””

    But we knew he would.

    (Only a Presby will “get” that comment.)

  17. Jon says:

    It was preordained, man.

  18. blank says:

    My guess is that Moltz meant what he said, but didn’t quite finish the sentence. He really could care less, but wasn’t willing to put out the effort. Who would, having to follow that nonsense about ether?

    After all, everyone knows the Apple Stores are really filled with “aether,” not that other stuff.

  19. Del says:

    Or is it filled with ᴁther?

  20. John Moltz says:

    Hmm. I think I’ll go with “couldn’t”.

  21. Tom says:

    Or are they filled with ?

  22. Ground Chuck says:

    So far, it looks like Chet’s article is getting more comments. Oops, I intended to post this on his. Bother.

  23. dkjfeoi says:

    it’s very good!

  24. lisa80 says:

    oh,i like here

    and http://www.heyjokes.com

    have a nice day with you