Apple's Retail Success Due To Magical Spreadsheet.

[Because of a disagreement between staff reporter Chet MacGruder and myself over sourcing for today’s story on Apple’s retail success, the Entity decided we should run both stories. Personally, I couldn’t care less. If MacGruder wants to continue to embarrass himself by getting his rumors from Gordy down at the Gas-N-Sip, that’s fine with me.

People seem to keep reading them, so it’s no skin off my back. Anyway, my rumor is, like, double sourced from Schiller and, um… Jennifer Fricking Connelly.

OK, not really, but I’m totally sure it’s accurate. Totally.]

While recent reports of Apple’s retail success have early detractors of the company’s decision to open its own stores eating crow, sources indicate it may have less to do with the strength of Apple’s product offering than the effect of a magical spreadsheet.

According to Apple Senior Accountant Glenn Theisen, any numbers he inputs into the magical spreadsheet simply become the Apple retail sales figures for the month.

“I type the figures in here,” Theisen said, demonstrating, “And through the powers of the dark arts, our retail stores will generate exactly those figures in sales.

“ALL HAIL SATAN!” Theisen cried out, falling to his knees and raising his arms in supplication.

After a moment, Theisen picked himself up, saying “Actually, I’m a Presbyterian. I really shouldn’t do that.”

Theisen first created the magical retail spreadsheet in 2001 when Apple launched its first retail stores and it has been in effect ever since.

Asked if were possible that his “magical” spreadsheet was actually simply mistakenly linked to by another spreadsheet that then fed the numbers directly into Apple’s SAP accounting system instead of the real numbers from Apple’s stores, Theisen coughed nervously.

“Actually, um, that occured to me. But I’ve kind of been afraid to check. I’m more comfortable with the magical spreadsheet theory.”

Theisen then returned to his cube where he kept his head as far below the wall as possible.