02 Jun 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, more bitching and moaning about Apple!

Q: Man, Apple is so lame! They don’t use open standards! I want my documents, photos and spreadsheets to be useable on any platform ten years form now. I mean, who knows how long Apple’s going to be around or how long I’m going to want to hitch myself to Steve Jobs’ whims?
A: Oh. So, you must use Linux and open-source applications.
Q: What? No. Have you seen that crap? It’s practically unusable. Fricking tabs and buttons all over the place.
A: Uh, well, please tell me you don’t use Windows.
Q: No, no, no. No, I use a moleskine for my word processing, I get my pictures printed at this hour photo place – they do good work – and I have a big… green… ledger.
A: Uhhh… huh.
Q: Oh, yeah, laugh now, but you’ll be laughing out the other side of your mouth when Apple says you’ve gotta bark like a dog to get your data!
A: …
Q: …
A: Woof! Woof! Woof-woof!
Q: Oh, shut up.

Q: I’ve really had it with Apple. I just bought a Power Mac and I’m terribly disappointed. I expected more from a company with a reputation for quality products.
A: Well, it’s all relative, I guess. Apple does have a higher customer satisfaction rating than any other computer company.
Q: That may be, but they’ve totally lost mine. I mean, this keyboard is horrible! You practically have to pound the keys and then they stick.
A: Oh. That doesn’t sound good.
Q: It’s not! And don’t even get me started on this hockey puck mouse!
A: Hockey puck mouse? What did you just buy?
Q: A G4 400. Sawtooth? Yikes? One of those. Got it off eBay.
A: … And you’re complaining about Apple’s quality control.
Q: Well… yeah. They did make it.
A: I see. You know, I hear those Mac Portables were pieces of crap, too.
Q: Really? Man, what is wrong with them?!

Q: Apple has just completely pissed me off.
A: Oh? Well, what is it this time? iPod battery not working anymore? MacBook Pro not cooking your grilled cheese sandwiches to perfection anymore? Phil Schiller not returning your personal phone calls?
Q: No. No. Nooooo.
A: OK, then what is it?
Q: Um… is it still a grilled cheese if it has tomato in it?
A: Yes.
Q: Oh. Then never mind.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Sam Kucera says:


  2. Sam Kucera says:

    Yay! I’m never first!

  3. Heinrich says:


  4. Darkman says:

    I am everywhere. I am nowhere. I am fourth-ish

  5. Huh? says:

    Open standards? Pfft!
    Try open Pants™.

    Oh yeah….

    As to the grilled cheese, try disconnecting the power to the cooling pump on your G5.
    Toss a couple sammiches in there… Voila! Perfect grilled cheese! It’ll also do burritos in a matter of minutes.


  6. bigtom says:

    wow, third, this makes me fell all warm and fuzzy inside (or is that the grilled cheese?)

  7. cdn, eh? says:

    Damn! Sooooo close to 7th!

    By the by, why ISN’T Apple running eBay?

  8. cdn, eh? says:

    Huh. Go figure…

  9. bigtom says:

    note to self: don’t read the posts first!

  10. Nxxx says:

    Young Gisele/Johnny,

    Another good one.

    Two in succession.

    I AM impressed.

    Take the weekend off.

  11. GingerSex says:

    11 yeah!

  12. I am very happy for you, GingerSex,

  13. GingerSex says:

    Thank you King Wangchuck, though my lack of grilled cheese is upsetting.

  14. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    Every time I grill cheese it melts and drips through the wire thingies.

  15. Hot fermented dairy products will not bring you inner peace and true happiness, GingerSex. Do not let their absence trouble you.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    I would say hate to be picky but I don’t.

    MoleskinE, damn fine notebooks.

    Well….I’ve got a lot of good friends who are moles and they’re trembling now thinking about people writing on them. How could you be so heartless?

  17. Colonel Panic says:

    Darn straight Apple sucks! My Apple //c will not run Microsoft Word!

  18. justcurious says:

    Hmm, whose been doing the writing lately? Distincly second tier.

  19. A priest, a rabbi, and the guy behind the liquor store says:

    accept the flying spaghetti monster into your hearts and be free of waffles.

  20. Buthidae says:

    20th! I like toasted ham cheese and tomato sandwiches.

  21. monkeys says:


  22. Clarus the Dogcow says:


  23. NWJR says:

    It’s not a grilled cheese if it has a Virgin Mary on it. In that case, it’s called “my meal ticket”.

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Speaking of faulty Apple products, my Commodore 64 C= will not run Mac OS X!!!

    Uh, can anyone say legacy support here? Didn’t think so.