05 Jun 06Reason For .Mac Issues Discovered

Various user reports from around the Macintosh community indicated that .Mac services have experienced serious problems of late – from slow access to outright outages.

Despite numerous protests, Apple released a statement today insisting that .Mac is “still providing the same high-speed 9600-baud access it has since its inception in 1994.”

This statement was met with significant bafflement by the vast bulk of the Macintosh community. It piqued the interest of Dr. Russell Springer at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories, however, who made a startling discovery.

Based on tests performed at the Apple campus, Springer has learned that a tear in the fabric of the space/time continuum has engulfed the .Mac team, altering their reality. Unaware of this change, the entire team believes that it is 1995 and the Apple online service they are working on is not .Mac, but eWorld.

“By 1995 standards,” Springer noted, “the current performance of .Mac is just fine. Accordingly, the team thinks things are going great.

“They’re not crazy about working for Michael Spindler, but…”

Confirming Springer’s findings, several .Mac users indicated seeing eWorld artifacts in their online .Mac experience.

“Man, I saw those little amorphous eWorld guys and I thought I was having another bad mescaline-induced flashback,” said Mac user Trent Davies.

Davies then freaked out looking at an online image of the black MacBook.

“Pismo, man! Pismo! Aaaaaaahhhhh!”

While .Mac users are currently feeling the pain, this unusual incident has a potential upside for long-suffering Newton users.

“The .Mac team has apparently decided to make a Newton conduit for .Mac,” Springer said.

“Although, I wouldn’t hold your breath on it getting finished. They can’t seem to find a Newton development kit.

“Or a Newton.”

Apple engineers outside the .Mac team have only just learned about the issue, but are reportedly already working on closing the tear and reversing its effects.

No Responses to “Reason For .Mac Issues Discovered”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    outage, schmoutage… I’m still here…


  2. Darkman says:


  3. Ace Raider says:

    Back and fourth.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Darn that space-time continuum!

    Either that, or sew it up.

  5. Dreil says:

    gogo 6th

    time travel…err space time continuum rip for the WIN

  6. Kallaloo says:

    Yes! First post for the HUNDRED AND FIFTIETH TIME IN A ROW, biyotches!

    Huh? A tear in the what now?

  7. Carl says:

    I’ve come from the future. I have to warn you about the first post… It’s, it’s… Oh hell, am I too late already? You fools! Do you know what this means! The time-line willlksnlaknsc kfsnms CZkj,bn jk,m ˙˜cijk≤mn ˆ˙ø˜¬˚π““ππππøˆ•§∞∞££¡™™£œå∂ƒ≈©ƒç˙∆∫˚¬µ¬µ

  8. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    Oh no my reading ability just stopped working
    oh and 9th

  9. Nxxx says:

    O.K. Grab it.

  10. Nxxx says:

    Thanks I will.


  11. Miphnik CCC says:

    {* poof *}

    :: Peers out from the rift in the eSpaceTime continuum ::

    “Hmm… should have taken a anti-spinward turn in Albuquerque.”

    :: Disappears back into the rift, and pulls it closed behind him ::

    {* poof *}

  12. The Doctor says:

    What’s this now? A computer company with a department stuck in a time ripple?


    ….now where did I put that sonic screwdriver….

  13. And another thing.... says:

    Does this go with the rips caused by the Mac-mini Delorean? http://www.deloreanmacmini.com/ “Cause if it does, the electricity bill over there in Cupertino is going to go waaaaaay up….

  14. Galen D. W. says:

    Wait. You mean to say it’s not 1995?!

    You’re crazy.


  15. NWJR says:


    (Well, I posted this in 1995! On a Mac Plus! I can’t be held responsible if it took this long to arrive.

  16. random says:

    It is 1995. What are you talking about?

  17. A priest, a rabbi, and a dog named Bingo says:

    I switched from a PC to Mescaline. Where’s my commercial?

  18. Trent Davies says:

    Anyone have any peyote?

    I’m out.

  19. Ahnyer Keester says:

    You know, I had a real witty comment to make but I got distracted by that bikini a few posts back. The post said something but…did you see the bikini? I’ve heard that if you stare at that picture long enough you can actually see words next to it!!

    But… did you see the bikini?

  20. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Doesn’t this tear in the fabric of the space/time continuum work both ways? As in we can go back to 1995? Folks, I say we grab an armful of iPods, some Macintels, and a case of Coke Blak and jump in. We’ll rule the universe! We’ll know when to invest in the dot com bubble and when to sell. We’ll be rich, RICH I tell you!!! Bwaaaahahahahahhhahaaaa.


    No, no that won’t work. The only thing on TV worth watching will be Star Trek: The Next Generation and we’ll know how every episode ends.

    1995 kinda sucked.

  21. UhhhDude says:

    I’ll bet The Entity is directly responsible for the space-time continuum thingie.

    It is a documented fact that he likes Baked Lays, right? If he eats them all the time, that can’t be good for his digestive system.

    Anyway, you figure out the rest….

  22. Funny.

    eWorld 1.1 Client Manager Mac/Windows/Newton

  23. Mpls Guy says:

    Um…CARS game? What a great headline. Just click the link!

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