15 Jun 06MacBooks Surpass Oil As Major Contributor to Global Warming.

Apple was dealt another blow today as scientists at NASA revealed that the heat generated by the MacBook line has now surpassed petroleum emissions as a contributing cause of global warming.

With the introduction of the Macbook non-Pro, sales of the MacBook line as a whole have reached a sufficient level that the collective heat generated by all units has surpassed that of other sources.

While Apple recently tried to deflect concern over the issue – blaming it on plastic strips left over the fan vents – the machines are still undeniably hot.

“The average MacBook puts out 9 billion BTU per minute of usage, said Dr. Leonard Staley of NASA’s Planetary Science division. “I know that sounds like an awful lot, but we actually checked the numbers a couple of times.

“And all that heat gets trapped in the atmosphere, causing temperatures to rise and ice caps to melt.

“Also, they can cause your lap to get all sweaty which leads to chafing.”

Some members of the Mac community rushed to point out a possible connundrum this creates for Apple board member and An Inconvenient Truth star Al Gore.

Sources said Gore, a noted PowerBook user, has as yet refrained from upgrading to the MacBook. Although he has driven back and forth to the Apple Store 15 times to look at them.

“In a hybrid,” the former Vice President noted, wagging his finger.

The tireless prognosticator of the doom global warming represents has yet to explain away his recreational ownership of a flame thrower, however.

“It helps me relax,” Gore said, shrugging.

“I have a hard time relaxing, in case you haven’t noticed.”

Apple is reportedly working on the MacBook heat problem by creating heat sinks the size of 15-lb frozen turkey.

Actually, some sources indicate that it is a 15-lb frozen turkey.

36 Responses to “MacBooks Surpass Oil As Major Contributor to Global Warming.”

  1. Nxxx says:

    British Thermal Units, that’s good enough for me.

  2. silta says:

    third… a very nice story…


  3. Ergo says:

    I slipped a notch tonight. I think my icecaps are melting.

  4. Huh? says:

    And I though my Pants™ were lying to me…
    Masturbation IS a cause of global warming.

    Who woulda thunk it?
    I guess I’m doing my part to melt the ice caps.

    Well, maybe more than my fair share…
    um… That was probably too much information.


  5. igor says:

    Ah, but that’s not the whole truth, because the single biggest contributor to global warming was broken down into three seperate bars (Deforestation, Salma Hayek and Masturbation). The biggest contributor to global warming is actually guys jerking of to pictures of a clean-shaven Salma Hayek.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Another great opportunity for a pie chart thrown away.

    “A pie chart is a smart chart.” Bar graphs are for felons.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Which reminds me: Edward Tufte is bringing his information design seminar to the Pacific Northwest again. CARS staff should attend one of the Seattle sessions.

  8. 2000guitars says:

    Hey, what about my G4 “windtunnel” mac? It’s sitting there, chugging away, doing it’s part to warm the globe. And does it get any recognition? Throw us a frickin bone, here.

  9. Ventzi says:


    PowerBook G3 Lombard!


  10. Ventzi says:

    and 11th


    Have an iBook G3

    G3 RULES!

  11. scared monster says:

    globally, I would disagree
    because I spare heat by
    frying eggs
    on the MacBook.

    Funny thing: not a Sunny Side Up
    but a Lettered Side Under.

    And I score the twelve.

  12. sgazzetti says:

    What in the hell is wrong with AMERICAN Thermal Units? Outrageous!

  13. oldgit says:

    Actually, B Th Us are British Thermal Units. BTUs are Board of Trade Units; the Board of Trade is also British (or was: I think it was abolished some time in the 1970s). If I wasn’t at least 14th in the list and a very old git I’d get out my zimmer frame and find out what on earth BTUs actually are (or were).

  14. We says:

    Apparently Lobster Hands leads to excessive typos.

    Run spell-check, Ugluk!

  15. The Invisible Evil Climatologists' Choir says:


  16. UhhhDude says:

    Moltz was smart in not making it a pie chart, because somewhere in the comments, someone would have said, “Salma Hayek! Boy, I’d like a slice of that pie.”

    Fortunately, that isn’t the case.

  17. Buthidae says:

    and we can all be thankful!

  18. A priest, a rabbi, and Bull from Night Court says:

    No comment today. Carry on

  19. MacBook amateur says:

    Shouldn’t that be “MacBook amateur”?

  20. Del says:

    Of course Gore has a flame-thrower. Apple has had their iFlame in Beta Testing for years. Apple Execs. always get to try out the new products. Hell they’ve been testing the sexbots for like 4 years now. Every time they are asked to turn their test models they refuse and extend the testing period. That is the real reason why the Sexbots, a completely finished and production ready product, isn’t currently being sold.

    The iFlame also is production ready. The hold up there is that Apple is having trouble creating an appropriate warning label for the product. Also there has been some debate about the recommended age. Apple marketing wants it to be labeled for ages 3 and up, while Apple Legal is pulling for age 5 and up.

  21. My Opinion Matters says:

    The story was pretty lame, but the chart is comic perfection.

  22. Contrarian says:

    The chart was pretty lame, but the story is comic perfection.

  23. Jansperus says:

    “The biggest contributor to global warming is actually guys jerking of to pictures of a clean-shaven Salma Hayek.”

    And what’s the best format to view these clean-shaven pictures of Salma Hayek? A MacBook!

  24. UhhhDude says:

    Bet the other rumor sites don’t have this.

    Alas, it’s not as we hoped.

  25. MPLS Guy says:

    Excessive masturbation must have been caused by Pants™ being on the DL. Easy access, I assume!

    Selma Hayek pie! YUMMY!

  26. A late arrival says:

    The story and the chart were pretty lame, but the comments were comic perfection.

  27. NWJR says:

    If one of the bars on the bar graph represented 3.14, it would be a Pi chart.

  28. Walking Contradiction says:

    I know someone already beat me to it – but masterbation should be higher on the list than Selma Hayek. I mean it’s obvious – there’s only one Selma and hundreds of millions of people wacking off to her. Do the math.

    Oops, maybe you shouldn’t do that. We have enough things contributing to global warming as it is. Just go back to beating off to Selma already.

    Ooh, here’s a way to stick it to the world. Wacking off to Selma Hayek pictures on your MacBook Amateur (YES, THAT’S MINE! PATENT PENDING! PATENT PENDING!!) while eating Indian Food. Having trouble keeping it up? AquaNet! Chaffing? Vasoline (petroleum product!)

    I leave the rest of the global warming items (deforestation, cotton candy machines and coal) as an exercise for the interested reader.

  29. Selma Hayek says:


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  31. Marina says:

    by masturbation does it mean masturbation that boys do and does that really affect global warming

  32. hi it seems i am the most biggest contributor to global warming~!

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