22 Jun 06Inside Apple.

Sources within Apple indicate a disturbing trend in recent months. CEO Steve Jobs has become veritably incomprehensible.

Sources were unable to state exactly why that might be, but indicated that Jobs – after several recent trips to India to discuss the opening of a new facility that was subsequently closed – had been studying with a new yogi who has been teaching him the mystic arts of non-sequitur enlightenment.

Let’s look at the results in this edition of… Inside Apple.


HEAD OF MAC HARDWARE ENGINEERING PETER MEHRING: Steve, we’ve got a tough decision ahead of us and only you can make it. It’s our belief that if we introduce both a $500 mini-laptop and a $500 tablet device, both will fail as they’ll cannibalize each other’s sales. So, what’s it gonna be, Steve? Mini-laptop or tablet?

STEVE JOBS: Well, you know, it is a tough decision. I know people at this company have worked hard on both projects, so some are going to be terribly disappointed. But eventually daddy’s got to make his own Jell-O, you know? He’s gotta make him some bacon-wrapped pudding. A little oven-roasted hamster. With tiny little white paper things on its feet. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway… that’s where I come down.

MEHRING: Uh… what? Was there a decision in there?

CFO PETER OPPENHEIMER: Exactly, Steve! That’s… that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking.

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER: Do you know what he’s saying?

OPPENHEIMER: Yeah! Well… no. I just… um… Never mind.

JOBS: Look, I don’t know how to be any clearer. The pigs aren’t going to enema themselves.

MEHRING: Uh… well, I’m not going to do it.

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: [GRABS A PAD OF PAPER AND A PENCIL AND WRITES] Bacon-wrapped pudding…

JOBS: Violent cats are roaming my pants!

SCHILLER: Oh, this is no good.

MEHRING: Should we just flip a coin?

SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF INDUSTRIAL DESIGN JONATHAN IVE: No, this problem is bigger than this one issue. We need to learn to interpret what Steve’s saying.

JOBS: Elephants make meat open a sprig of sunlight in a round vagina!

SCHILLER: …

MEHRING: …

IVE: …

OPPENHEIMER: Yes!

IVE: You still have that coin?

MEHRING: [FLIPPING] Call it.

27 Responses to “Inside Apple.”

  1. blargo says:

    First!

  2. blargo says:

    Dang….

  3. Huh? says:

    Pants™ with flared onions bring joyous flatulence on pudding laden corpuscles.

    No one I think is in my tree, I mean it must be high or low.
    Spurn the oven spoil the car, I always say…

    moo

  4. Psyko says:

    Hai, fif and sx!

    MARK

  5. Nxxx says:

    Poor reporting, Moltz.

    Which did the coin come down, heads or tails?

  6. arcsine says:

    Damn Zorgon impostor if you ask me.

    “I know people at this company…”

    See right there …

    Jobs wouldn’t say that.

    Next thing you know he’ll be drinking water from a glass…

    Or riding actual ponies…

    or wearing real turtle neck sweaters…

    You can identify a Zorgon because they’re attracted to heat sources… maybe this explains the whole macbook pro and extra thermal paste stuff…

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    They decided to rename it the MatchBook Pro.

    ———————-

    By the way, it sounds like Steve is channeling the Giga-Post.

    ———————-

    Numba nine . . . numba nine . . . numba nine . . . numba nine . . . numba nine . . .

  8. Hopping on Sunday phases the triangle. The theremin has a frothatrill and a twangulator but I’m still working on the cucumberphon. We used adjectives to describe our monsters. A biscuit, a biscuit, a biscuit, a biscuit. Practise your isophasic trochoids again, with aunties and willy-warmers. Snarl audio dirt to id’s arid urinal. Whet Merlin rod, melt wired horn. I roar until I did as I trod rail unsaid.

  9. Roboto says:

    spam for Eleventh

  10. J0n says:

    Eleven-plus-plus-th!

  11. Typo says:

    Yikes, I’d better buy a new Mac now before he gets his hands on the current product line.

  12. UhhhDude says:

    You know, it’s like all that gobbledygook text at the bottom of all that spam just ended up in the comments.

    Underhanded janitor flakes cellular waxen cherubim while yellow genesis leather crystals take silvery callypgian stock of—STOP IT!

    Oh, and thurteeneth.

  13. DNS says:

    This report was funnierest than the last funnierest report.

  14. Paul says:

    Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe: All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe…

  15. Buthidae says:

    I’m not giving you the satisfaction of waxing my potatoes, Moltz!

  16. blank says:

    “Splunge!”

  17. blank says:

    Oh, and while reading the article, when I got to “Violent cats are roaming my pants!” I almost laughed coffee out my nose. Could have been painful and messy, had I not been exercising due vigilance.

    Glad to see that Huh? had an appropriate response (being keeper of the Pants™ and all).

  18. Anonymous says:

    I think somebody has been playing with the refrigerator magnet poetry for too long.

  19. A priest, a rabbi, and your barely legal daughter says:

    Such an incredible ability for impromptu (improvisational?(spontaneous?)) mad-libbing.

    All except the “violent cats are roaming my pants!”; that happens all the time.

  20. Uh oh. Sounds like Steve’s got receptive aphasia. All the classic symptoms are there. Could be trauma to the posterior part of the superior temporal gyrus of the dominant (in his case left) hemisphere.

  21. Oh yeah…in your face, Frist. I didn’t even need a stinking video. How’s that for a remote diagnosis?

  22. Round vagina? Better than a square one I suppose. Unless you have a square peg.

  23. After lengthy deliberation, I have to say I prefer Amy Linker to Sarah Jessica Parker. But I’d be happy to have either one.

  24. Anonymous says:

    ???????

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