Sources within Apple indicate a disturbing trend in recent months. CEO Steve Jobs has become veritably incomprehensible.
Sources were unable to state exactly why that might be, but indicated that Jobs – after several recent trips to India to discuss the opening of a new facility that was subsequently closed – had been studying with a new yogi who has been teaching him the mystic arts of non-sequitur enlightenment.
Let’s look at the results in this edition of… Inside Apple.
HEAD OF MAC HARDWARE ENGINEERING PETER MEHRING: Steve, we’ve got a tough decision ahead of us and only you can make it. It’s our belief that if we introduce both a $500 mini-laptop and a $500 tablet device, both will fail as they’ll cannibalize each other’s sales. So, what’s it gonna be, Steve? Mini-laptop or tablet?
STEVE JOBS: Well, you know, it is a tough decision. I know people at this company have worked hard on both projects, so some are going to be terribly disappointed. But eventually daddy’s got to make his own Jell-O, you know? He’s gotta make him some bacon-wrapped pudding. A little oven-roasted hamster. With tiny little white paper things on its feet. You know what I’m talking about. Anyway… that’s where I come down.
MEHRING: Uh… what? Was there a decision in there?
CFO PETER OPPENHEIMER: Exactly, Steve! That’s… that’s exactly what I’ve been thinking.
SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF WORLDWIDE MARKETING PHIL SCHILLER: Do you know what he’s saying?
OPPENHEIMER: Yeah! Well… no. I just… um… Never mind.
JOBS: Look, I don’t know how to be any clearer. The pigs aren’t going to enema themselves.
MEHRING: Uh… well, I’m not going to do it.
CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: [GRABS A PAD OF PAPER AND A PENCIL AND WRITES] Bacon-wrapped pudding…
JOBS: Violent cats are roaming my pants!
SCHILLER: Oh, this is no good.
MEHRING: Should we just flip a coin?
SENIOR VICE PRESIDENT OF INDUSTRIAL DESIGN JONATHAN IVE: No, this problem is bigger than this one issue. We need to learn to interpret what Steve’s saying.
JOBS: Elephants make meat open a sprig of sunlight in a round vagina!
IVE: You still have that coin?
MEHRING: [FLIPPING] Call it.