According to sources within the Zorgon High Command, the Imperious Fleet’s attack against the Apple iPod has failed.
Despite being heralded in the Intergalactic Times as the latest in a series of “iPod killers”, the Zorgon fleet ultimately proved unable to destroy Apple’s irrepressible digital music device.
Late last week, the Zorgon High Command had issued a press release announcing its policy of “DEATH TO IPODS” and boldly claimed that it would succeed where Creative, Microsoft and other also-ran digital music makers “HAD FAILED LIKE THE MISERABLE WORMS THEY ARE.”
After travelling 1.9 million light years and launching a campaign intended to instill “Shock and Awe” into Apple and iPod owners everywhere, the Zorgons unfortunately found that their death rays were ineffective against the chrome and polymers that make up the iPod.
“OUR DEATH RAYS PROVED SADLY INEFFECTIVE AGAINST THE IPOD,” admitted Zorgon Imperial Commander Grrzzt. “ALSO, IT HAS BECOME CLEAR THAT WE JUST DON’T HAVE A GOOD MARKETING STRATEGY. ‘DEATH TO IPODS’ REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE IT OUT OF FOCUS GROUP.”
Unfortunately for the members of the Zorgon fleet, ineffective death rays and poor marketing aren’t their only problems.
“BECAUSE OF SOME POOR DECISIONS ON THE PART OF A CERTAIN FLEET OFFICER WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS…”
Grrzzt shot an icy glare at an officer with a name tag that read “LT. SZZZZZ”.
“…WE USED UP ALL OF OUR BATTERY RESERVES MAINTAINING OUR FIRE.”
Lt. Szzzzz hung its heads sheepishly.
“SO, WE COULD REALLY USE A TOW BACK TO THE ARGOLUS CLUSTER. IF, YOU KNOW, ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE GOING THAT WAY.”
Sadly for Grrzzt, no Earthling will be going that way for approximately 500 years.