21 Jun 06iPod Survives Attack From Zorgon Fleet.

According to sources within the Zorgon High Command, the Imperious Fleet’s attack against the Apple iPod has failed.

Despite being heralded in the Intergalactic Times as the latest in a series of “iPod killers”, the Zorgon fleet ultimately proved unable to destroy Apple’s irrepressible digital music device.

Late last week, the Zorgon High Command had issued a press release announcing its policy of “DEATH TO IPODS” and boldly claimed that it would succeed where Creative, Microsoft and other also-ran digital music makers “HAD FAILED LIKE THE MISERABLE WORMS THEY ARE.”

After travelling 1.9 million light years and launching a campaign intended to instill “Shock and Awe” into Apple and iPod owners everywhere, the Zorgons unfortunately found that their death rays were ineffective against the chrome and polymers that make up the iPod.

“OUR DEATH RAYS PROVED SADLY INEFFECTIVE AGAINST THE IPOD,” admitted Zorgon Imperial Commander Grrzzt. “ALSO, IT HAS BECOME CLEAR THAT WE JUST DON’T HAVE A GOOD MARKETING STRATEGY. ‘DEATH TO IPODS’ REALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE IT OUT OF FOCUS GROUP.”

Unfortunately for the members of the Zorgon fleet, ineffective death rays and poor marketing aren’t their only problems.

“BECAUSE OF SOME POOR DECISIONS ON THE PART OF A CERTAIN FLEET OFFICER WHO SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS…”

Grrzzt shot an icy glare at an officer with a name tag that read “LT. SZZZZZ”.

“…WE USED UP ALL OF OUR BATTERY RESERVES MAINTAINING OUR FIRE.”

Lt. Szzzzz hung its heads sheepishly.

“SO, WE COULD REALLY USE A TOW BACK TO THE ARGOLUS CLUSTER. IF, YOU KNOW, ANYONE HAPPENS TO BE GOING THAT WAY.”

Sadly for Grrzzt, no Earthling will be going that way for approximately 500 years.

35 Responses to “iPod Survives Attack From Zorgon Fleet.”

  1. Fat Tony says:

    1st Suckers!

  2. Fat Tony says:

    I defy you to out-first me!

  3. His Steveness says:

    Ponies, anyone?

  4. Nxxx says:

    Simple solution to defeat iPods. Drill a hole through them, put them on a piece of string and play conkers with them. Doesn’t work EVERY time.

  5. Fat Tony says:

    Now that I’ve stopped bragging about being first and gone back and read the actual post I’m quite disappointed. Worst. Post. Ever.
    Why couldn’t I have been first on the “Apple Announces Fantasy Date With Peter Oppenheimer” post? Or one of the other good ones like the “Heinen Fired for Failure to Have Testicles” (a classic) or the truly best post of all time from May 20, 2004 “Apple Executive Movements” that points out that one of the SVPs scratches his nuts in public. I get stuck with the freakin’ Zorgon Fleet post. Man, this sucks.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Hey, watch it Moltz, Szzzzz, is very close to Nxxx. Challenge you to a game of iPod conkers. Loser buys the drinks.

  7. Huh? says:

    See Tony, it’s a fine line between jumping at the firstness, and making SURE you actually WANT the firstness.
    That’s why I leave those kind of important descisions up to my Pants™. They always know.

    Now, about the post, I have heard rumors that the Roller Ponies(along with their iFlames) did have some hand in besting the Zorgons.
    No, really. My Pants™ told me.

    moo

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Excuse my skepticism, but the Zorgons seem made up, like the bad kind of science fiction that is called “sci-fi,” and unlike the good science fiction which the cognoscenti call “sf” for short.

    A truly advanced species would vanquish the iPod with something extremely insidious, like chocolate-covered pork rinds.

    On the other hand, CARS has never been proven wrong.

  9. Ventzi says:

    9thththththth

    And I don’t see why food should be a weapon against iPods… A friend of mine is keeping his in a bowl of chocolate pudding to impress the ladies!

    But I would anyway suggest that every single iPod be awarded Your Pants™ in order to protect them against further attacks.

    meowszzzzzzz

  10. GingerSex says:

    Setting up for a big fat Zorgon…

  11. yabbadabbadoo says:

    eleventy-first!

  12. Groin Theft says:

    eleventy-second!

    Today’s post reminds me of The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy books.

  13. Ventzi says:

    onety-third!!!

    No way man! You can’t be serious – I thought I was the only one…

    grrrsszzzzz

    …erm I meant meow

  14. Livealive says:

    hmmmmm

  15. UhhhDude says:

    So how come CTHULHU never tried to be an iPod Killer[TM]? I hear they give out T-shirts that look pretty cool.

  16. Del says:

    The Dual-iFlame mounted Roller Ponies have saved us again!!!

    The Zorgon’s are really screwed because only Steve and the Entity will be going back that way soon and neither one would give them a tow. They are more likely to put a sign on their ship reading, “Argolus or bust”, circle around the Zorgon’s jeering and throwing bottles at their stuck ship, and then fly off laughing with the music up loud and a sexbot on each arm.

  17. Selma Hayek says:

    17????? 🙁 Are the Zorgons part of Scientology? You better be careful or Tom Cruise will sneak into your site and blow it up with his MI stuff. I know Tom, you know? He’s real weird. And short. But cute. But just too weird.

  18. Selma Hayek says:

    Someone beat me! I ended up 18!!!!!!!! :-((((((( You should be sweeter to me. I am beautiful. What’s a Zorgon?

  19. John Moltz says:

    “Selma”? Are you Salma’s sister? Did I miss a thread?

    And Fat Tony, I don’t understand what you mean by “worst”. This is news. I guess you mean it’s bad news which can only mean you’re a Zorgon sympathizer.

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    John,

    Remember? Selma starred in that hit movie about the lady artist hobbit, Froda.

  21. Robert Mondavi says:

    “Lt. Szzzzz hung its heads sheepishly.” — Awesome line!

    (sorry to add a “real” comment to the mix 😛 )

  22. CTHULHU says:

    I HAVE MY UNSPEAKABLY HORRIFIC REASONS! TREMBLE IN TERROR PUNY MORTAL, LEST THEY BE REVEALED!!

    OKAY–TRUTH BE TOLD, I JUST ENJOY WATCHING THAT SIM GUY FROM CREATIVE SQUIRM!!!

  23. Groucho (formerly known as "Gary") says:

    24th! (Which, since “Groin Theft” mentioned HHGTTG earlier, is “42” if you look at it backwards or in a mirror!)

  24. Groucho (formerly known as says:

    I wonder if the Zorgon death rays were totally ineffective against iPod nanos. Or if they were at least able to scratch them???

    Might have had better results if they had used “Zorgon Scratching Keys” or something similar. That would have had the added benfit of not discharging their batteries…

  25. ScienTomogy says:

    I bet the death rays reflecting off the shiny iPod ass killed many of the iPod owners. So, free iPods to everyone who’s first to find a corpse! And is willing to rob it, but I’m assuming that’s not much of a threshold.

    As long as the Zorgons are stuck here, could I get in on some of that anal-probing action?

  26. ScienTomogy says:

    Sorry, I meant some of that SWEET anal-probing action.

  27. Garnack says:

    I’m heading to the Berrupth cluster this weekend. I can give the Zorgons a lift, but they have to chip in for gas or something.

    “Ass, Grass or Cash. No one rides for free!” And I don’t smoke pot so they can either come up with some cash or let me have a go at their cute little astronavigator.

    Grrzzt, let me know by tomorrow night or I leave without you.

  28. whom says:

    Ace Deuce, just had to say the Froda line was the only thing that made me laugh in this whole sordid affair. Nice one.

    And I’m the real Jon Mohltz

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  30. Azox says:

    You have so much spam in here.. (

  31. Ei says:

    Awesome, man

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  33. Tom says:

    I don’t like iPod…

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