07 Aug 06Live WWDC Coverage!

10:00 AM – Coverage begins NOW! Hot and saucy, just the way you likes it! This post will be in reverse order [Editor: since reversed to make it readable.] to keep you up-to-date on how many bottles of that Apple-branded water Jobs has consumed.

Forget the stock options. How much is Apple spending to keep Jobs in fancy water?

Please note that earlier plans to provide coverage entirely in pig latin have been CANCELED.

Canceled.

Anceled-cay.

Not gonna do it.

10:03 AM – BREAKING!

CARS is confirming MacNN‘s breaking news that

Attendees are being asked to shift to the center of the seating rows.

That is CONFIRMED.

Attendees are also being asked to arrange themselves so the tall ones are in the back and the short ones are in front.

10:15 AM – Jobs is talking about the conference stats. 1000 Apple engineers are here. One for every 4 attendess.

More startling, however, is the 1 to 1 booth babe ratio.

And, without further ado… SCHILLERMANIA!!!

10:20 AM – Schiller’s introducing the Mac Pro. It’s an all dual-core unit that will give you a woodie.

What did he say?

Oh. “Woodcrest.”

Yeah, I don’t know what that is.

Holds up to 4 internal drives FOR ALL THE PORN IN THE WORLD!

OK, not really, but a lot of porn.

Case design is relatively the same, but the inside is all-new.

Strangely, he adds “The outside is also all-new.” Then he pauses, looks at the audience and raises his eyebrows several times.

But… it’s kinda not.

No one’s sure what he’s getting at there.

10:25 AM – Ooooh, 3.0 GHz.

FINALLY.

Sheesh.

Uh… “Yay”?

Whatever, Apple.

Says the Intel transition took 210 days to complete, “faster than anybody else.”

What?

Who else was there? Are we talking alternate universe Apples here?

10:30 AM – New Xserves. 5x faster than previous models. 1 billion times faster than “doing it by hand.”

Oookay. Well, I hope they don’t do a bake-off of that. I’ve got a flight back home in a couple of days.

OK, Steve’s back to talk about software.

Oh, Bertrand Serlet is puttin’ the BEAT DOWN on Vista! Oh, Steve Ballmer, I do believe that French bitch just used your toothbrush!

BOO-YAH!

10:35 AM – Leopard

64-bit app support for apps.
128-bit support for widgets.

Huh. That’s weird.

Time Machine – integrated backup facility. Jobs says “So you little sissies don’t have to go whining to your mommas when you loose your pwecious data-ums.”

Man, that guy really has an attitude, doesn’t he?

The bad thing is, Time Machine only backs up to floppies, so you need to go out and buy a whole shitload of floppies, like, right now.

10:45 AM – And, of course, Time Machine features a whole bunch of cycle-sucking eye candy that you KNOW you gots to get yourself some of! You know you want it, baby! You want it bad!

You’re just an eye-candy whore! Admit it! You’d do anything for the eye candy!

You’re addicted! Like some cheap prostitute on crack who keeps crawling back to your sugar daddy, Steve Jobs!

You disgust me.

Speaking of eye candy, Steve’s now talking about Spaces, a new virtual desktop environment that will put all the other virtual desktop environments out of business.

Kinda surprised Arlo Rose wasn’t working on one.

Eh, for all I know, maybe he was.

10:55 AM – Spotlight can search other machines now. VP of platform experience Scott Forstall says “We want it to be a great app launcher.”

He says he also wanted it to be a magical pony that would come when he called it and would always be his bestest friend forever and ever, but Apple engineers told him that wasn’t possible.

He says they told him that ponies grow up to be horses and then they get old and sick and they have to be shot between the eyes by a sweaty ranch hand out back behind the barn when the kids are at the fair.

Now he’s crying.

Boy, this is really uncomfortable.

Schiller’s trying to console him.

Jeez… I…

Wait…

Ponies don’t grow up to be horses.

Colts grow up to be horses. Ponies are just ponies.

What the fuck?

11:05 AM – OK, Steve’s back. He’s talking about Core Animation.

He says “Your graphics card just went obsolete.”

Oh, great.

Leopard does braille support and closed captions for QuickTime.

And there’s nothing funny to be said about that.

OK?

So just shut up, Rudy.

Mail to feature big enhancements.

“For all you ass clowns who switched to fucking Ubuntu because we made you have to use an export utility to move your mailbox to another application – like your mail is sooooooo important, Cory Doctorow – well, you douche bags can just kiss my…”

Well…

He’s just kind of going on like that.

11:15 AM – Apple’s delivering Dashcode – an IDE for developing widgets.

Oh, for chrissake, who needs an IDE to develop a widget? That is so lame.

I made one with construction paper, some blunt scissors and Elmer’s glue.

And some glitter.

It’s… really cool.

It um… counts down the days until “Snakes On A Plane” is released.

OK, I have to change the numbers by hand, but…

11:25 AM – iChat demo.

Hey, wait a minute… Steve’s chatting with Schiller.

Schiller was just on stage…

Now he’s in Times Square. They say it’s just an effect, but…

OH, MY GOD! PHIL SCHILLER IS THE MASTER OF SPACE, TIME AND DIMENSION!

But you already knew that.

There’s a rollercoaster background and Steve says “Life at Apple is a rollercoaster”!

Ha-ha!

Yes, one day your little music device is bringing you boatloads of cash and the next they’re investigating your stock options!

WHOOOOOO!!!

WHEEEEEE!!!

AHHHHHHH!!!

Just give us the Leopard wrap-up, rollercoaster boy.

11:30 AM – That’s it!

Leopard to be released in the spring, when the flowers are blooming and love is on a young man’s mind.

And in his pants.

No Responses to “Live WWDC Coverage!”

  1. DNS says:

    This post made me giggle 5.1x faster than the previous 68040-based version.

  2. YOU says:

    52nd, how overwhelmingly underwhelming!

  3. Psyko says:

    I hear the new Mac Pro is so fast that it even falls 3.2x faster than the G5 Quad. Why anybody would want to drop one is beyond me, but I think it is cool nonetheless.

    Now would somebody come bust me out of school so I can enjoy my day of Macintosh goodness?

    MARK

  4. Colonel Panic says:

    But are they bringing back eWorld???

  5. Del says:

    I just configured my Pony. I can’t wait for it to show up. I even addeed the wireless keyboard and mouse option Shipping estimate 2-3 months WTF!? It will be winter by the time it shows up. What good is a pony in the winter in Michigan? They always suffocate under the snow.

    Ohh… and if you missed it before:
    Mr. Moltzy

    We’d like to be able to read the Mega Post again. It seems we left some stuff there when we got unceremoniously evicted. We need to get back there so we can get the plans and and beta versions of the sexbot and return them to Apple. They were Apple’s only copies and they can’t put them into production until we return them. Plus one of the early model sexbot bitches took my toothbrush and I would like to have it returned.

    Thanks,

    Del

  6. Del says:

    Sorry Mr. Moltz about the Mega-Post request. I hadn’t seen the comment in the Giga-Post because I am at home on dial-up and the page was still loading… and still loading.. and still loading.

    It brings back tears to my eyes… it’s just like the Mega-Post.

  7. vitamin fortified says:

    Drat. I knew if I should have done CARS first. Got trapped in the MaCNN/MacCentral slapfest. Steve said the rest of Leopard was top secret. Could he have held back on Leopard being optimized able to run in half a bagel? Leaving the rest for Philly Schillly branded cream cheese. The brand favored by all ponies

  8. Walking Contradiction says:

    You’re just an eye-candy whore! Admit it! You’d do anything for the eye candy! You’re addicted! Like some cheap prostitute on crack who keeps crawling back to your sugar daddy, Steve Jobs!

    Damn, you got my number there! More eye candy!! Please!!! You can do whatever you want with me, anything at all – just dole out more eye candy!!

    Like the whore of Babylon, I spread my legs on the filthy cobblestones, awaiting the penetrating love of the one who brings the most eye candy. Beat me, penetrate me, whore me out to the world – but first give me more eye candy!! Please!!??

  9. OMGHAX says:

    Aw man! I got here too late! At least I can camp here till v6 comes out.

  10. 2000guitars says:

    tmi, tmi, tmi. Much more than my Package™ wanted to know, there.

    Cobblestones? What is this, the year 1400?

    lol

  11. OMGHAX says:

    Wait… Did I post?

  12. A Priest, a Rabbi, and 86% of abstract statisticians says:

    mmmmmm, needs more cowbell.

    Guess what… I got a fever and the only prescription… is more cowbell

  13. That Apple-branded water there is Glaceau SmartWater! Or, SmartWater bottles filled with Vodka. In Steve’s case it’s probably vodka. Either way you can’t tell. Always seems to work for me. My health food store used to sell SmartWater. And now they stopped. What the hell am I gunna use for vodka now?!……..or water? Stupid Snapple, for buying them out…..

  14. Mr. Dirk says:

    I can’t believe you missed an opportunity to comment on Steve’s “Complete Package™”

  15. DNS says:

    Can upgrade my Quadra 950 with quad-core 68040’s to Woodcrests?…I need a faster Package™

  16. copi coperson says:

    What?!!?!?! still no apple photocopier?
    What the f*** apple !!??!?!?!?
    Do you want to go out of business?

  17. Steve Jobs says:

    We update software about the same rate Microsoft engineers update their underwear!

    Bozos

    S,

  18. doggo says:

    Wait, what happened?! I was in the bathroom.

    Oh maaaan, I always miss the keynote…

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