Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Power Mac G5 and I upgraded the OS to Tiger five months ago. My problem is, for some reason I still don’t have smart folders. All I have are these stupid folders. Like this one. “System.” What’s that? Stupid. “Applications.” Stupid. Where are the smart folders? The folders that totally rule? ‘Cause all I see are these dumbass folders.
A: Uh… well, smart folders are folders that you configure to contain files that match certain parameters that you set.
Q: What?
A: You, um, you go to the Finder and go to the file menu and choose New Smart Folder. Then you set the paramaters for the kind of file…
Q: No, no, no! I don’t want folder that will put a bunch of files together! I want folders that will help me crush my enemies!
A: Oh. Uh… I think you’re going to have to go with a third party solution for that.
Q: Hmph. Well, is there something you can recommend?
A: Uh, I hear Folders Of Vengeance is good.
Q: Oooh…

Q: I have a Mac mini and I installed Boot Camp on it as soon as it came out. I’ve been running Windows and I really like it. So much so that I’m really thinking of switching from the Mac to Windows.
A: Oh. That’s too bad. What is it you like about Windows so much?
Q: Well, it’s free! I mean, I just downloaded it from and installed it!
A: Uh… that’s not Windows. That’s Ubuntu.
Q: Oh. Ubuntu?
A: Yeah. I’ts a Linux distribution. Supposed to be good for you.
Q: Huh.
A: Yeah. Totally different operating system.
Q: Wow. I guess that explains all the free apps and all the compiling and stuff.
A: Yeah.
Q: Well, if I’m going to be a Linux user, does this mean I have to stop showering?
A: Not completely, but no more than once a week. Also, you have to go on long, boring rants about DRM.
Q: Hmm. I guess I can do that.
A: You also have to get really big, out-of-style glasses. And women are out of the question.
Q: Ugh. See, I’m just not sure I’m ready for… you know… the Linux lifestyle.
A: I know what you mean. Personally, if I’m not going to have sex with women, I’d rather just go gay than Linux.
Q: Oh. That… gay… sounds nice. Kind of happy. What OS do I install to do that?
A: There’s no OS. There is some butt sex.
Q: What?
A: I was… just kind of kidding.
Q: Oh.

Q: I have a black MacBook that I recently maxed out on RAM. I do a lot of Keynote presentations and the RAM really seems to help. But my question isn’t about that. My question is, who’s the bigger hack: Paul Thurrott or Rob Enderle?
A: Oh. Wow. Uh… boy…
Q: It’s tough to pick just one, isn’t it?
A: Yes, it is! Ooh, wow.
Q: I’m going to need an answer, though.
A: OK. OK. I’ve gotta go with Enderle. I mean, Thurrott’s got his biases, but Enderle is just wrong all the time. He disproves the broken clock theory.
Q: Enderle is correct! OK, let’s move on to question 2. Who’s a bigger prima donna, Jason O’Grady or Dan Knight?
A: Another tough call. But I’m going to go with O’Grady, as LowEndMac actually has valuable content.
Q: The answer is… O’Grady!
A: Yes!
Q: OK. Just one more, for all the money, the car and the lifetime supply of Vagisil.
A: I’m ready.
Q: John Dvorak or Steve Ballmer – who eats more ass?
A: Ohh!
Q: Yes? You’re smiling!
A: I know this one! It’s Dvorak!
Q: THAT IS CORRECT! John C. Dvorak does eat more ass than Steve Ballmer! Congratulations! You’ve won the money, the car, and the lifetime supply of Vagisil!
A: I already know where I’m going to use that, Ted!
Q: That’s all the time we have. I want to thank all our other contestants and we’ll see you next time on Mac Community Quiz!