18 Aug 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Power Mac G5 and I upgraded the OS to Tiger five months ago. My problem is, for some reason I still don’t have smart folders. All I have are these stupid folders. Like this one. “System.” What’s that? Stupid. “Applications.” Stupid. Where are the smart folders? The folders that totally rule? ‘Cause all I see are these dumbass folders.
A: Uh… well, smart folders are folders that you configure to contain files that match certain parameters that you set.
Q: What?
A: You, um, you go to the Finder and go to the file menu and choose New Smart Folder. Then you set the paramaters for the kind of file…
Q: No, no, no! I don’t want folder that will put a bunch of files together! I want folders that will help me crush my enemies!
A: Oh. Uh… I think you’re going to have to go with a third party solution for that.
Q: Hmph. Well, is there something you can recommend?
A: Uh, I hear Folders Of Vengeance is good.
Q: Oooh…

Q: I have a Mac mini and I installed Boot Camp on it as soon as it came out. I’ve been running Windows and I really like it. So much so that I’m really thinking of switching from the Mac to Windows.
A: Oh. That’s too bad. What is it you like about Windows so much?
Q: Well, it’s free! I mean, I just downloaded it from www.ubuntu.com and installed it!
A: Uh… that’s not Windows. That’s Ubuntu.
Q: Oh. Ubuntu?
A: Yeah. I’ts a Linux distribution. Supposed to be good for you.
Q: Huh.
A: Yeah. Totally different operating system.
Q: Wow. I guess that explains all the free apps and all the compiling and stuff.
A: Yeah.
Q: Well, if I’m going to be a Linux user, does this mean I have to stop showering?
A: Not completely, but no more than once a week. Also, you have to go on long, boring rants about DRM.
Q: Hmm. I guess I can do that.
A: You also have to get really big, out-of-style glasses. And women are out of the question.
Q: Ugh. See, I’m just not sure I’m ready for… you know… the Linux lifestyle.
A: I know what you mean. Personally, if I’m not going to have sex with women, I’d rather just go gay than Linux.
Q: Oh. That… gay… sounds nice. Kind of happy. What OS do I install to do that?
A: There’s no OS. There is some butt sex.
Q: What?
A: I was… just kind of kidding.
Q: Oh.

Q: I have a black MacBook that I recently maxed out on RAM. I do a lot of Keynote presentations and the RAM really seems to help. But my question isn’t about that. My question is, who’s the bigger hack: Paul Thurrott or Rob Enderle?
A: Oh. Wow. Uh… boy…
Q: It’s tough to pick just one, isn’t it?
A: Yes, it is! Ooh, wow.
Q: I’m going to need an answer, though.
A: OK. OK. I’ve gotta go with Enderle. I mean, Thurrott’s got his biases, but Enderle is just wrong all the time. He disproves the broken clock theory.
Q: Enderle is correct! OK, let’s move on to question 2. Who’s a bigger prima donna, Jason O’Grady or Dan Knight?
A: Another tough call. But I’m going to go with O’Grady, as LowEndMac actually has valuable content.
Q: The answer is… O’Grady!
A: Yes!
Q: OK. Just one more, for all the money, the car and the lifetime supply of Vagisil.
A: I’m ready.
Q: John Dvorak or Steve Ballmer – who eats more ass?
A: Ohh!
Q: Yes? You’re smiling!
A: I know this one! It’s Dvorak!
Q: THAT IS CORRECT! John C. Dvorak does eat more ass than Steve Ballmer! Congratulations! You’ve won the money, the car, and the lifetime supply of Vagisil!
A: I already know where I’m going to use that, Ted!
Q: That’s all the time we have. I want to thank all our other contestants and we’ll see you next time on Mac Community Quiz!

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Eric says:

    I’m Number One!!!

  2. GingerSex says:

    Second, I want the car and the money and the other stuff, is it pudding?

  3. Candy Apple says:

    Second post.

    Although I’m curious how John Dvorak could eat more ass than Steve Ballmer. If that’s true, where does all the, well, you know, Microsoft um, stinky-poo come from?

  4. Candy Apple says:

    D’oh! Stupid snakes.

  5. Phoenix says:

    Trick Question: Steve Ballmer is an ass.

  6. Squished Squirrel says:

    I’ll give you a nickel for 5.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    Once a Week??? You’ve got to be kidding me. I shower once a month, whether I need it or not.

    Oh, and fifth.

    the whole Package™

  8. Carl says:


  9. Ace Deuce says:

    The problem with smart folders is once they achieve sentience, they unionize and want insurance and paid time off.

    My folders need to be ready to work overtime whenever I need them to.

  10. Huh? says:

    Um, I beta tested Folders of Vengance… It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.

    More like Folders with a Grumpy Attitude.
    My Pants™® were not impressed.


  11. Nxxx says:

    Should I file the information pertaining to the kittens and ponies in Smart Kittens and Ponies Folders or Smart Vengeance Folders?

    I don’t really care.

  12. Buthidae says:

    I have a dozen reasons to be happy!

    My Smart Pants® say that they feel a little pretentious, but they still know they are better than the rest.

  13. His Steveness says:

    Smart® Ponies™ wearing hot pants®? Oh yeah…

  14. Brent says:

    Not to be serious or anything, but I have a soft spot for John C. Dvorak. He posts all sorts of wild theories and grumpy predictions, but that’s his job. I think he does it in the spirit of humurously needling the more fanatical members of certain tech groups. I usually chuckle at his columns.

  15. No, he wants Folgers of Vengence. It causes searing pain in the groin area!

    That O’Grady question was too easy. There is no bigger primadonna.

  16. 2000guitars says:

    Can’t believe that no one has commented on “vengance” yet. I mean, like, where is Spell Czech when we need him/her/it? He/she/it is a ghostly fellow/gal/apparition, showing up to pick at nits, but missing the greatest of errors.

    my Package™® noticed that one right away…

  17. OMGHAX says:

    Rampage: The Revengeance!

  18. Psyko says:

    Awww, if I’m reading a Help Desk thing, it must be saturday. That is truely depressing.


  19. Ace Raider says:

    Hey, I have to take exception.

    Dvorak can be a real jerk sometimes, but comparing him to Ballmer, even in jest, is downright low.

  20. MacBook amateur says:

    slow comment day. most people must read cars at work.

  21. Spell Czech says:

    Well, if you must know, I’m usually visiting a parallel universe when John posts. It takes all my effort to return to this plane of existence in a timely manner.

    Fortunately, there are others (like 2000guitars, thank you very much) who step into the breach and keep Moltz on his toes.

    That, and John found the Spell Check on his machine.

  22. Squished Squirrel says:

    You gotta understand that being an ass and eating ass are totally different. Dvorak clearly eats ass (and regurgitates a fair bit of it in print.)

    Balmer… well…



    See the difference?

  23. Jeffrey says:

    I can answer one of those questions: Enderle’s the bigger hack, but Thurrott is the bigger prick.

    And not in a good way.

    If you know what I mean.

  24. black and decker pecker wrecker says:

    mac users are gay

  25. NWJR says:

    Thurrott rides Ballmer’s PONY, Enderle cleans up the crap.
    Ballmer wears the monkey suit, and Dvorak writes post #24.

  26. blank says:

    So I hear that O’Grady is posting a response over at Powerpage, but it’s only a link to his paying gig. He must need the hits or something. I think he learned that from Dvorak.

    Oh, and I almost forgot to add: Stupid Fucking Snakes on a Stupid Fucking Plane!!!?

    There, I feel much better now. Thanks.

  27. Psyko says:

    Yes! Mac users are HAPPY! WE ROCK!


  28. Ahnyer Keester says:





  29. Mono says:

    Straights do butt sex too.

  30. Mono Says:
    Straights do butt sex too.

    Not with each other.