Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Oh my god! Dude! Did you see this?!
A: Oh. Yeah. That’s really nice. Microsoft is trying to retrain Columbian militants so they can return to civilian life as IT specialists. I think that’s great.
Q: What?! Are you blind? And stupid?
A: Uh… well, I’m not blind…
Q: You’ve got to read between the lines, man! Microsoft’s not retraining them! They’re recruiting them! Don’t be so naive! It’s game on, man! It’s Microsoft’s Columbian militants against Apple’s lesbian ninja sexbots!
A: Oh, no, no, no. That’s way off base. This is just something nice Microsoft is doing.
Q: Oh, man! Wake up and smell the military buildup!
A: Dude, no. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that Microsoft’s army… is all flying monkeys.
Q: Uh… oh. Huh. Well, now I just feel stupid. I mean… duh. Of course it’s flying monkeys. Jeez. Stupid. Stupid.
A: Well, your heart was in the right place. You were assuming the worst about Microsoft.
Q: Thanks. You didn’t have to say that.
Q: Hey, how did that poll you put up the other day turn out?
A: Well, not surprisingly, readers picked Gisele Bundchen to replace Steve Jobs.
Q: Oh, yeah! Excellent! When does she start?!
A: We were a little disappointed by the results as we thought frying bacon would have done better. Fourth? What is that? It’s bacon for crying out loud!
Q: Can we get back to Gisele and her possible start date?
A: Well, I probably shouldn’t get too wound up over the results. I mean, the whole thing’s run on some code we got from Diebold, so it was probably hacked by pro-Bundchen elements within about five minutes.
Q: Oh! Oh! Pro-Bundchen elements?! I want to be a pro-Bundchen element! Where do I sign up for that?!
A: I guess it really wasn’t fair to frying bacon. Boba Fett and Gigantor… that’s some stiff competition. Verdeschi never had a chance, of course.
Q: Oh, my god, could she do the Macworld keynote?! Could she?! Could she?! Could she?! Oh, my fucking god, could she?!
A: Uh… what? No. No. This was just a straw poll. It’s not binding or anything.
Q: … I… I hate you.
Q: I have an Apple portable that I’ve been having trouble with. I think it’s got that random shutdown problem I’ve been reading about.
A: Wait, wait, wait, wait. This isn’t one of those questions where your “Apple portable” is actually a Newton and the reason it’s shutting down randomly is because it’s ten years old, is it?
Q: No, this is one of those questions where it’s a product from the future and the reason it’s shutting down has something to do with aliens.
A: Ah. OK.
A: So… we’re done here.
Q: Well, I’ve got nothing else, so unless you want to talk about something…
A: Well… nah. Forget it.
Q: No. What?
A: It’s just… I mean… OK, it was a nasty pitch, but Beltran should have at least swung at it! I mean, two outs in the bottom of the ninth?! C’mon!
Q: Just let it go, man.