20 Oct 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: Oh my god! Dude! Did you see this?!
A: Oh. Yeah. That’s really nice. Microsoft is trying to retrain Columbian militants so they can return to civilian life as IT specialists. I think that’s great.
Q: What?! Are you blind? And stupid?
A: Uh… well, I’m not blind
Q: You’ve got to read between the lines, man! Microsoft’s not retraining them! They’re recruiting them! Don’t be so naive! It’s game on, man! It’s Microsoft’s Columbian militants against Apple’s lesbian ninja sexbots!
A: Oh, no, no, no. That’s way off base. This is just something nice Microsoft is doing.
Q: Oh, man! Wake up and smell the military buildup!
A: Dude, no. Everyone, and I mean everyone, knows that Microsoft’s army… is all flying monkeys.
Q: Uh… oh. Huh. Well, now I just feel stupid. I mean… duh. Of course it’s flying monkeys. Jeez. Stupid. Stupid.
A: Well, your heart was in the right place. You were assuming the worst about Microsoft.
Q: Thanks. You didn’t have to say that.

Q: Hey, how did that poll you put up the other day turn out?
A: Well, not surprisingly, readers picked Gisele Bundchen to replace Steve Jobs.
Q: Oh, yeah! Excellent! When does she start?!
A: We were a little disappointed by the results as we thought frying bacon would have done better. Fourth? What is that? It’s bacon for crying out loud!
Q: Can we get back to Gisele and her possible start date?
A: Well, I probably shouldn’t get too wound up over the results. I mean, the whole thing’s run on some code we got from Diebold, so it was probably hacked by pro-Bundchen elements within about five minutes.
Q: Oh! Oh! Pro-Bundchen elements?! I want to be a pro-Bundchen element! Where do I sign up for that?!
A: I guess it really wasn’t fair to frying bacon. Boba Fett and Gigantor… that’s some stiff competition. Verdeschi never had a chance, of course.
Q: Oh, my god, could she do the Macworld keynote?! Could she?! Could she?! Could she?! Oh, my fucking god, could she?!
A: Uh… what? No. No. This was just a straw poll. It’s not binding or anything.
Q: … I… I hate you.

Q: I have an Apple portable that I’ve been having trouble with. I think it’s got that random shutdown problem I’ve been reading about.
A: Wait, wait, wait, wait. This isn’t one of those questions where your “Apple portable” is actually a Newton and the reason it’s shutting down randomly is because it’s ten years old, is it?
Q: No, this is one of those questions where it’s a product from the future and the reason it’s shutting down has something to do with aliens.
A: Ah. OK.
Q: Uh…
A: So… we’re done here.
Q: Well, I’ve got nothing else, so unless you want to talk about something…
A: Well… nah. Forget it.
Q: No. What?
A: It’s just… I mean… OK, it was a nasty pitch, but Beltran should have at least swung at it! I mean, two outs in the bottom of the ninth?! C’mon!
Q: Just let it go, man.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. His Steveness says:

    2nd little pony

  2. comacnut says:

    Three strips of crispy bacon.

  3. Tacoma Barkeep says:

    Where’s my friggin tip Moltz!!!!

  4. Nxxx says:

    Those bloody aliens have been crashing my iAbacus.

  5. Albert Pujols says:

    Beltran, ees, well, uh, poo poo pants, si?
    He, ummm, choke on it real hard eh?

    Hey! Whuh effa happen to cricket guy who post here? He suck realla bad too!

  6. Huh? says:

    la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la….. oooo… Shiny!

    Oh, I’m sorry. You were saying?

    moo (ADHD Pants™®)

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    I voted for frying bacon twice, so don’t come crying to me.

  8. disgruntled cynic says:

    Set up. Who’s up?

  9. OMGHAX says:

    A cubic zirconium Newton from the future!


  10. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    I’m sick of these people aksing questions from the future

  11. NWJR says:

    I asked a question from the future once, but by the time I got the answer, I already knew what it was.

    Very confusing.

  12. Vegetarian Coward says:

    I voted for Bacon. Bacon was doomed from the start. Boba Fett would have just eaten the Bacon and then been able to complete his coup d’ Cupertino very quickly.

    Does the Cubic Zirconium Newton fry bacon. I’d assume the battery would be super hot!

  13. blank says:

    Until bacon is restored to its rightful place at the top of the heap, I’m disgusted (but hold no military rank, retired or otherwise).

  14. Rip Ragged says:

    Columbian militants. It’s all clear to me, now. Apple has deals with Pepsi. Microsoft is going to make deals with coke.

    If you say Ubuntu ten times really fast, it still isn’t a word.

  15. Buthidae says:

    I hope this hasn’t been the work of those anti-bacon sticklers again.

  16. vitamin fortified says:

    Columbian militants eh? Now is Microsoft umm “retraining” them to help smuggle in the coke that allows the flying monkeys to be more effective?

    Or is it to protect the coke that is already there?

    It has been rumored once, that one reason for the Vista delay is low grade stuff used by the flying monkeys got mixed in the the programmers stash which is higher grade. Wasn’t a pretty sight with the fighting that broke out, the fur, the pocket protectors. Oh the humanity!

  17. Rip Ragged says:

    Until just now, I didn’t believe in flying monkeys. Now it’s obvious. Columbian militants, Steve Ballmer, bacon, ubuntu, and now the Tigers and Cardinals in the World’s Serious.

    All of this couldn’t coincide in a world without flying monkeys.

  18. ergo says:

    Letme gat this straight. Tigers are ngagedin some physical contest with cardinals? is that the red birds or the catholic guys, ’cause either way it seems a little one sided. I personally am hoping for the catholics, but I can see why it expected to get poor ratings.
    On TV, when the red robed cardinals get mauled by the tigers, the blood just doesn’t jump out as well. Unless somehow you could get the cardials to have green blood. Vulcan cardinals! Yeah, that would get the Neilsons up!

  19. scared monster says:

    I’m really puzzled by Frying Bacon’s defeat. I think I’m going to bring up some Frying Bacon League, or something like that, a kind of lobby to give The Big Great Frying B. its real place.

    Otherwise, if you’re sick with those questions from the future, I got a solution : have no future.

  20. Alex says:


  21. OMGHAX says:


  22. OMGHAX says:

    Actually, on second thought, caps lock makes you look like a moron.

    ergo: Watch tigers eat christians!

    scared monster: No future but for what we make. John Connor!

  23. Alex says:

    ok…no more caps lock… but the Cards really do need to win…

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    The Tigers have flying monkeys and coke. The Catholics (or are they migratory birds) only have little pieces of bread and some cheap wine.

    Go Seahawks. And take the Mariners with you.

  25. monkeys says:

    It’s ColOmbia, not ColUmbia, for christ’s sake…

    And yeah, we monkeys got fired a couple of months ago, so I’d guess MS is really looking for a new army.

  26. Joe says:

    Tigers have sharp claws and teeth.

    Cardinals have those funny hats, staffs, and alter boys…

    I’m not sure what they do with the alter boys, but it seems that at the very least they can distract the tigers with a meal and hit em over the head with their staffs.

  27. Anomynous says: