23 Oct 06iPod Turns Five.

Apple’s iPod turned five years old today, an event that has caused CEO Steve Jobs to wax effusive about “his baby.”

“When I introduced the iPod five years ago today, I couldn’t have been prouder of the achievement Apple – and I – made,” Jobs said. “And here’s why.

“The iPod is a timely, innovative product that filled a need our competitors were not adequately filling, and still aren’t. We created an easy-to-use stylish product that spoke to people.”

Holding up an iPod nano, Jobs gushed “The iPod is such a perfect little princess! So smart and well-liked! And pretty!

“The iPod is my special little girl!”

Turning to the Mac – his child from his previous marriage (albeit also to Apple) – Jobs icily asked “When are you going to sell 8.7 million units a quarter?”

The Mac did not look away from the repeat episode of Charles In Charge it was watching while shoving fistfuls of Corn Nuts into its face and mumbled “I sold 1.6 million units. Get off my back.”

“You’re twenty-two years old!” Jobs yelled. “When are you going to move out of my basement?!”

The Mac only shrugged sullenly before turning the TV volume up.

Contrary to Jobs’ contention that his relationship with the iPod is all sunshine and goodness, there are signs of strife.

The young device has reportedly demanded a pony for its fifth birthday and Jobs – after initially indicating the request was excessive – has caved in.

“Well, if I don’t buy her the pony, she’ll throw a tantrum and then nobody’s happy,” Jobs said, sighing. “And I’ve got to keep my special little girl happy!”

The Mac shook its head and turned the volume up further.

No Responses to “iPod Turns Five.”

  1. Duranceau says:

    What am I doing here ?

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    Deuce

  3. Mykie says:

    I find nothing disturbing about this, my iPod often sublimates requests for me to buy it ponies. Its got a whole stable now. I got my Shuffle a beagle, too.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    That’s odd, my pony wants an iPod.

  5. Mykie says:

    I just realized, I don’t think I used sublimate, correctly… unless of course my iPod is experiencing sexual urges… although there was that one time, oh, uh, never mind

  6. 2000guitars says:

    sublime seven

  7. Carl says:

    Subliminal ponies.

  8. Jay in the uk says:

    Tost again
    But it’s a three day week this week (for me)

    buy me a pony baby

  9. Nxxx says:

    John,
    You don’t really expect us to believe that Steve talks to his iPod and Mac do you? Even more ridiculous that those inanimate objects talk to him?
    Sorry, just a minute.
    Stop criticising my spelling or I’ll switch you off.
    Right you’ve done it this ti

  10. Bob the wrecker says:

    Hi, i’m Bob’s MacBook, and i thought i would take this opportunity to congratulate iPod on it’s fifth birthday. I remember turning five myself, or well, some bits os Classic code do, and it was pretty exciting. BTW, Bob isn’t here right now. We, er, aren’t really on speaking terms these days, actually i asked him to just get his stuff and move out. So it’s just me, now. Kinda relaxing, must say. Lonely, sometimes. But i just couldn’t tolerate any more of them Ponies Bob would schlepp all the way up to our appartment. They’re disgusting! And the things he did with them. Won’t go there, though. Keep up the standards, you know. So. Well. That’s life in my little corner. Bye now…

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    The iPod and the Mac are inanimate objects. I can see how the iPod could ask for a pony through some kind of future podcasting technology but a Mac could never shrug and shake.

    This story makes sense and no sense all at once.

  12. Vegetarian Coward says:

    With all the TV shows and movies on iTunes, why was The ǀ Mac watching TV? Wouldn’t The ǀ Mac be watching itself? That would be good time to sublimate!!!

  13. greenacres says:

    Well, I caught my 5g ipod with porn on it, not the good lesbian ninja kind mind you, but ipod to ipod. I felt sick to my stomach and immediately blamed the local ipod priest as he/she/it had been holding closed wire ‘sessions’ to help my little ipod get through a ‘freeze up’ phase in it’s life. If there was only a law against it, I could have he/she/it arrested. Let this be a lesson to you all…

  14. Ahnyer Keester says:

    And poor little Newton is burried in the back yard in an unmarked grave.

    Tragic.

  15. Jim says:

    I want Charles in Charge of Me!

  16. Del says:

    I new Steve would cave. How do you tell your perfect little princess that it can’t have a pony when all the Apple exec’s have one.

    Maybe that is what my iPod wants also. That would explain why it keeps playing a loop of “A Horse with No Name”, “Pony Time”, and “American Horse”. Especially since I don’t remember even loading those songs on it. I guess it has been a good little iPod. Maybe it deserves a pony.

  17. NWJR says:

    Yay for ponies!

    Now when is “My Little Pony” going to be available on the iTunes store?

  18. C'mon! says:

    Newton is buried next to the Apple ///.

  19. comacnut says:

    Hooray for ponies.

    The Newton isn’t buried in the yard, it ran away 9 years ago and has not been heard from since. It was tired of it’s over critical step father and just took off. I heard he was in Boulder hanging with the Yonder Mountain String Band.

  20. Jasonbot says:

    ^^^ steves grave is goanna be right next door 🙂

  21. blank says:

    There’s a whole unmarked graveyard containing the Apple // line, but the statute of limitations has run out and nobody cares. So much for “Apple // Forever!”

    I think Scully’s brain is in there somewhere too. Check the jar labeled Abby-something.

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Damn, you guys are right. I snuck out there before the sun came up and dug it up. It was Pippin! And I stumbled across the QuickTake in a shallow grave not far away. Friggin’ cemetery out there! Make you wonder what/who is buried in the basement.

  23. OMGHAX says:

    ‘¿’

    I saw a twentieth anniversary mac’s grave with an old macintosh buisness server as the headstone.

    Sad, ain’t it?

  24. Jasonbot says:

    ^^^ lol, quicktake was so funny! I wonder how many other dead apple concepts are in this “graveyard”

  25. vitamin fortified says:

    It is sad what happens to wayward and abandoned Apple children. Saw an eMate wandering the alleys of lower Wacker looking for discarded batteries a few years ago. Tried to get him to a shelter but he snapped at me.

    And be careful of spoiling those iPods, it will want a Pony now. Bbut when it turns sixteen, what will it be? Diamond and platinum encrusted earbuds, some holographic hard drive with the fancy lasers. Where does it stop?

  26. deepkid says:

    lower whacker! go bears 🙂

  27. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Lower Wacker? Shit, I thought Steve lived in Cupertino! I wonder who’s yard I was diggin’ in?

  28. Super-Pedant says:

    Make you wonder what/who is buried in the basement.

    Copeland.

  29. Sudo Nym says:

    QuickTake was funny? I beg to differ — QuickTake ushered in our Glorious Era of Digital Photography.

    Apple invented everything! Everything, I tells ya!

  30. Vegetarian Coward says:

    I’ll Lower my ǀ Wacker on you! Put that on your iPod!

  31. scared monster says:

    She may need a race pony when those living deads’ll raise again !

  32. My [second] iPod’s not even a year old yet. Heh. Thankgod. Because when that thing starts talking, man I’m in trouble. It’s gunna want THIS and its gunna want THAT. Hell, my G5’s already demanding a Power Wheel! You know how gosh darn expensive those things are?!?! Boy if I knew this was coming, i woulda just stayed with my cd walkman…..at least SHE only wanted a new Barbie for her birthday.

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