Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was having a lot of trouble with my iPod Shuffle so I downloaded Apple’s Shuffle Updater and installed it, but it’s still not working.
A: Were you having the power problem?
Q: No. I’ve got this Dell, see, and the USB ports on the front are recessed so I can’t get the damn thing to connect. And this update didn’t fix that at all!
A: Oh. Well, you probably haven’t installed it correctly.
Q: OK. How should I install it?
A: Well, don’t run the installer. Just take the installer file and drag it onto the Shuffle’s drive. Then put the Shuffle into the Dell’s USB port and just start kicking it until you get it to mount.
Q: You mean… kick it into the Dell…
A: Right. Kick the crap out of it.
Q: OK. OK. See, that’s exactly what Apple Care told me but I just didn’t believe them.
A: A brick will work, too.

Q: I ordered an iPod nano from the Apple Store and the box came today, but it wasn’t an iPod nano inside.
A: Oh! Was it a bar of soap?!
Q: What? No. What the hell are you talking about? It was this cool flat-panel cell phone thing that downloaded my music wirelessly and ran what appeared to be a “lite” version of OS X. It said “Prototype” on it.
A: Oh… oh, my god! Where is it?! Can I see it?!
Q: No. I sent it back.
A: You sent it back?! Why?!
Q: Well… it was brown.
A: Oh. Uh… yeah, OK, I could see that.

Q: My video iPod is on the fritz. It will only show my movies and TV shows on this tiny little 2.5-inch screen.
A: Uh, well, that’s pretty much the screen size of the video iPod.
Q: What? What kind of crap is that?! Crappy little 2.5-inch screen. That’s crap. How am I gonna get my freak on with a crappy little screen like that?
A: Your freak on? What show are you watching?
Q: I mean, there’s just no way for me to grind it like a monkey and still get home in time for dinner with a little screen like that, is there?
A: Well, I guess…
Q: I’ve gotta spank it with a paddle and make my salad spin like a Chester’s grandma at a ho-down!
A: Are we… talking about porn, or…
A: Uh… you know, I don’t really want to know anymore.