27 Oct 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I was having a lot of trouble with my iPod Shuffle so I downloaded Apple’s Shuffle Updater and installed it, but it’s still not working.
A: Were you having the power problem?
Q: No. I’ve got this Dell, see, and the USB ports on the front are recessed so I can’t get the damn thing to connect. And this update didn’t fix that at all!
A: Oh. Well, you probably haven’t installed it correctly.
Q: OK. How should I install it?
A: Well, don’t run the installer. Just take the installer file and drag it onto the Shuffle’s drive. Then put the Shuffle into the Dell’s USB port and just start kicking it until you get it to mount.
Q: You mean… kick it into the Dell…
A: Right. Kick the crap out of it.
Q: OK. OK. See, that’s exactly what Apple Care told me but I just didn’t believe them.
A: A brick will work, too.


Q: I ordered an iPod nano from the Apple Store and the box came today, but it wasn’t an iPod nano inside.
A: Oh! Was it a bar of soap?!
Q: What? No. What the hell are you talking about? It was this cool flat-panel cell phone thing that downloaded my music wirelessly and ran what appeared to be a “lite” version of OS X. It said “Prototype” on it.
A: Oh… oh, my god! Where is it?! Can I see it?!
Q: No. I sent it back.
A: You sent it back?! Why?!
Q: Well… it was brown.
A: Oh. Uh… yeah, OK, I could see that.


Q: My video iPod is on the fritz. It will only show my movies and TV shows on this tiny little 2.5-inch screen.
A: Uh, well, that’s pretty much the screen size of the video iPod.
Q: What? What kind of crap is that?! Crappy little 2.5-inch screen. That’s crap. How am I gonna get my freak on with a crappy little screen like that?
A: Your freak on? What show are you watching?
Q: I mean, there’s just no way for me to grind it like a monkey and still get home in time for dinner with a little screen like that, is there?
A: Well, I guess…
Q: I’ve gotta spank it with a paddle and make my salad spin like a Chester’s grandma at a ho-down!
A: Are we… talking about porn, or…
Q: DADDY NEEDS TO RUB CHEESE FONDU… ALL! OVER! HIS! BODY!
A: Uh… you know, I don’t really want to know anymore.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Jasonbot says:

    2, almost

  2. Kallaloo says:

    3rd’s the charm. I prefer chocolate fondue myself though…

  3. Huh? says:

    Mmmmm… Cheese.
    Almost as good as Cheeze Whiz™.

    But not quite.

    moo

  4. Jasonbot says:

    @ kalloloo, I rate the brown iPhoen nano tastes chocolatey!

  5. Picker of Nits says:

    Lucky number six.

  6. Carl says:

    Fondu. Yetch. Gross.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    I think brown is the new puke green.

    Congratulations to Nxxx.

    And, Huh?, where the hell are your Pants™®?

  8. greenacres says:

    What if you could have your music and eat it, too? Dark chocolate outside, creamy music on the inside, all mixed…up…BLEAGH!!!! Ok, that was not a good idea to mix the music up inside the chocolate. I feel like a rapper, I am full of samples now…nothing original, of course.

  9. Mason says:

    Chocolate Cheese?

  10. Sudo Nym says:

    Now I feel all self-conscious about what I do with my video iPod.

    Don’t judge me!

  11. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    Ace Deuce don’t be so tactless, didn’t you think you might be prying into a sensitive area there?

  12. Huh? says:

    My Pants™®… Well, I let my mind wander,
    so I sent my Pants™® off to look for it.

    They’ve been gone quite some time now.
    Perhaps I should have taken my wallet and keys out first…

    moo (MIA Pants™®)

  13. elfle says:

    The 1stGen iPod Shuffle and those Dell recessed ports: borrowed one of those Jaws of Life things and it opened the USB port in nothing flat. A power grinder from an auto body shop works too.

  14. Buthidae says:

    I, as a rule, never wear Pants™®, but my iPod Socks are starting to tingle©…

    Would you believe Apple just took delivery of over 15 (yes! 15th! But moving on…) pallets of cans of brown paint? I fear this can only end poorly.

    Or… Apple’s Christmas party is, once again, going to be reeeeally freaky this year.

  15. Jasonbot says:

    Why not just use a USB extension or the iPod Shuffle dock to dock into a recessed DELL port?

  16. Concerned Citizens says:

    I think I speak for all one of us when we(I) say that we are all starting to get concerned about you Mr. Moltz.

  17. blank says:

    Can you trust a person who doesn’t like cheese? Or chocolate?

    Not together though.

  18. […] From Crazy Apple Rumors: Q: I was having a lot of trouble with my iPod Shuffle so I downloaded Apple’s Shuffle Updater and installed it, but it’s still not working. A: Were you having the power problem? Q: No. I’ve got this Dell, see, and the USB ports on the front are recessed so I can’t get the damn thing to connect. And this update didn’t fix that at all! A: Oh. Well, you probably haven’t installed it correctly. Q: OK. How should I install it? A: Well, don’t run the installer. Just take the installer file and drag it onto the Shuffle’s drive. Then put the Shuffle into the Dell’s USB port and just start kicking it until you get it to mount. Q: You mean… kick it into the Dell… A: Right. Kick the crap out of it. Q: OK. OK. See, that’s exactly what Apple Care told me but I just didn’t believe them. A: A brick will work, too. […]

  19. Philippe says:

    23

    2 more

  20. Philippe says:

    24

    1 more

  21. Philippe says:

    26

    arg

    had to

  22. Philippe says:

    27

    no self control

  23. Philippe says:

    28

    I didn’t know you could only post every 15 secs.

  24. Philippe says:

    29

    Slow down Cowboy

  25. Philippe says:

    30

    DONE

  26. OMGHAX says:

    Hey Philippe you poser.

    That’s the Eastern Orthodaushund Anastasio’s job.

  27. Joe #2 says:

    See, I would have used the brick on the Dell…

  28. foo master says:

    Use the brick on the caller for BUYING a Dell.

    BTW I have an excellent recipe for cheese fondue Mr. Dean.

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    Beat the Dell with the brick until you are forced to replace it. Repeat until you run out of bricks.

    Ubuntu fondue?

  30. Del says:

    Just ensure that you don’t beat the Del with the brick because the Del will hit back.

  31. Jasonbot says:

    Dell+Bricks=Hell! Gah, sometimes I cant get to sleep at night thinking about dell computers invading my life! please leave me alone. I then proceed to sit in a dark corner until I calm down

  32. Philippe says:

    the Eastern Ortho-what?? ANananananananstassssssio-WHo?????

  33. […] (Quelle) Explore posts in the same categories: Der digitale Schuhkarton […]

  34. guapoodglx says:

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  35. Saeko says:

    Ok! Beautyful.
    It’s fine.
    Glad to see other.

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