Spooky Apple Rumors Site.

In honor of Halloween, Crazy Apple Rumors Site presents the following list of Apple terrors. This list is not for those under 17, pregnant women or elderly gentlemen with weak tickers.

  1. The iPod battery… THAT WOULDN’T DIE! (AAAAAIIIEEEEE!)
  2. The switcher… WHO JUST BITCHES AND BITCHES AND BITCHES ABOUT HOW MUCH BETTER IT WAS ON WINDOWS BUT WON’T SWITCH BACK! (NOOOOOOOOOO!)
  3. The MacBook Pro… THAT BURNS THE LOINS! (ARRRRRRRRGGGG!)
  4. The Microsoft-friendly blogger… WHO KNOWS WHAT APPLE MUST DO TO SURVIVE! (OH, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!)
  5. Dinner with… GEORGE OU! (BLEAAAAARRRRRRGGG!)
  6. Three hours on a Sunday afternoon watching… A PRESENTATION AT YOUR LOCAL MUG ENTITLED “GETTING THE MOST OUT OF OS 9”! (WHY DON’T YOU FUCKING UPGRADE?!)
  7. Steve Jobs… QUITS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS FAMILY! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!)

[shudder]

I don’t know about you, but I’m not sleeping tonight.

69 thoughts on “Spooky Apple Rumors Site.”

  1. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    oh…
    um…

    nevermind.

    moo (HORRIFIC PANTS™® OF DOOM!!!!)

  2. The Apple rumor site… THAT PREDICTS THE ITABLET, TRUE-VIDEO-IPOD™ AND IPHONE AT NEXT MWFS! (MY EYES, MY POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOR LITTLE EYES!)

    20 new… GET A MAC ADVERTS! (IT BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURNS! OH, IT BUUUUUUUURNS!)

    Forget the PowerMac. The return of… THE APPLE PIPPIN! (WHY, GOD, WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYY?!)

    Another… PANTS JOKE! (RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!)

  3. The Apple rumor site staffer… THAT WOULDN’T DIE! OR EVEN GO TO SLEEP! EVEN THOUGH HIS COMPUTER WOULD!

    (OOOOoooooOOOOooooh!)

    The Apple rumor site staffer that… COULDN’T WAKE FROM SLEEP, EVEN THOUGH HIS COMPUTER COULD!

    Hmmm, maybe that’s why he’s really afraid to… GO TO SLEEP!

    (OOOOoooooOOOOooooh!)

    Not to mention the Apple rumor site commenter that… WOULDN’T SHUT UP!

  4. #15 Woot Woot!

    Steve’s leaving???? Noooooooooooooo

    What about the return of the PowerPC chip?
    Or Apple decides to port Microsoft Bob?
    Or OS 11 will be OS 9, but a Universal Build?
    Dell starts to install OS 10 on their PCs?
    Microsoft re-brands OS 10.5 as Windows Vista to get consumers confused?
    OR CISCO eats Apple’s cheese sandwich?!

  5. Ughh … koff … choke … suffering … fatal … heart … attack …

    Couldn’t … koff … couldn’t … handle … the horror …

    Must contact … lawyer … file big … lawsuit … choke … before … auughh … before it’s … too late!

    Disclaimer … not strong enough. Yes, I’m … elderly. Yes, — auuggh, it hurts! — I’m a … gentleman. But my ticker … always … sound … until I read … ugh … the Apple terrors.

    Must … get suit filed … before … before … gasp! … choke! … uuuuunnhhhh.

  6. This is by far the scariest thing ever:

    CARS as we know it closes down forever! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *death*

  7. BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

    DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

    BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

    DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

    BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

    DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

    BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

    DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

    BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

    DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

    BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

    DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS! DEVELOPERS!

    BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER! BALLMER!

  8. GIVE IT UP…. FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    WOOOOOOOOOooooOOOOOO!!!!!!!

    **WHO SAID “SIT DOWN” ??!!!?!!?

  9. AAAAAAAUUUGH! YAAAAARRRRR!

    HUAUAHGHG!

    All this screaming is making my throat sore.

    |\/|483 \/\/3 5|-|0|_|1|> 741|34|

  10. Hi, I’m in the knitting blog right next to this site on this InterWeb. You kids sure sound like your are having fun, but can you keep it down a bit, I can’t hear Sadie tell me a story about her grandkids with all this racket and shouting.

    Thanks boys, oh and you too young lady, I almost didn’t see you there.

  11. Last night I turned off all the lights, fired up an old tangerine iBook running OS 9, and after muttering some cryptic phrases I think CTHULHU posted here some time back, went through my collection of Halloween Kaleidoscope schemes looking for the scariest ones. It was as though OS 9 had risen from the dead to walk zombie-like among the living

    I went with the scheme “Halloween!.” Spooky!

  12. ^Ouch that would hurt! But I guess the heat of the C2D would just melt it all off and you’de actually be better off than before!

  13. No terror here… I’m not scared at all. (face under covers) Think about that all new laptops and desk tops turned into 128K MACS with only a floppy. THINK ABOUT IT!

    ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!

  14. What about —

    NIGHT OF THE SHIPPING VISTA

    THE REDMOND iPOD MASSACRE (Okay — this is a comedy, but it’s messy)

    DELLBOY

    This is making my ubuntu hurt. Good night Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.

  15. This just in —

    VISTA is an acronym:

    Vaporware Interface Shamelessly Taken from Apple

    or, possibly:

    Vexation, Irritation, Suffering, Torment and Anguish

  16. OK some of these are lame, I mean they should be at least somewhat believable as are those in the article.
    I’m looking at you Anastasios Booby Chalcedon.

  17. C’mon Woz. We’re shooting for plausibility here. Obviously only a novice CARS reader would fail to say something in the first post to alert the world of his or her keen ability to intuit the blatantly obvious. (“One!” “First.” “Numero Uno!”)

    Thirty six.

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