16 Nov 06Apple Hires Stock Photo.

Just days after announcing the hiring of Donald J. Rosenberg as General Counsel, Apple today announced that it is making another executive move.

The company is creating a new position – Senior Vice President of Enterprise – which will be charged with developing and implementing Apple’s corporate sales strategy. To fill this position, Apple has hired a stock photo of a smiling executive in a suit.

“I’m thrilled to announce that Stock Photo Guy has joined our executive team,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs, standing next to a picture of his newest recruit.

“Stock Photo Guy has vast experience in the enterprise,” Jobs said. “Whether it’s pointing seriously at something on a screen with an African-American, or pointing at a pie chart with an Asian person or pointing at something off-camera with someone in a wheelchair, Stock Photo Guy has done it all.”

Apple reportedly paid Getty Images $657 to acquire the non-exclusive rights to Stock Photo Guy. Despite the company’s usual policy of exclusive employment, Stock Photo Guy is still available for work in glossy brochures, magazines and catalogs.

Analysts hailed the move and said it fit perfectly with Apple’s enterprise strategy.

“Who better to continue to do nothing than a stock photo?” asked InfoWorld’s Tom Yager.

Stock Photo Guy’s hiring did not please everyone, however.

“They gave him a better parking space than mine,” said a dumbfounded Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson.

“He’s a picture! He doesn’t have a car!”

Apple’s stock was up 1.56 on the announcement.

36 Responses to “Apple Hires Stock Photo.”

  1. alan says:

    ugh… 2nd and 3rd

  2. Israel says:

    Wow, I was- That’s unique!

  3. thevoidboy says:

    Sixth!

    that’s me in the picture…

  4. 2000guitars says:

    I’m completely “dumfounded” that stock word processor spell checker guy missed a “b”. Totally out of character with his character, as seen in the picture….

    tsk tsk

  5. Arnold Kim says:

    iStockGuy gets the good news that the retro-cool iPhone will look just like his Nokia 6210

  6. scottyb says:

    LOL!!! Very funny…

  7. Step says:

    I want to be a stock photo guy too!

  8. vitamin fortified says:

    Eleventh

    And stock photo guy looks a lot more happy than the Zune Asian photo girls to be working right now

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Any photo of me would be happy to do the job at half the salary.

  10. OMGHAX says:

    $657 seems a little low for the rights to an image of someone as prestigious as Stock Photo Guy. I would assume the royalties would be in the tens of hundreds of dollars.

  11. A stock holder says:

    When Apple’s stock goes up, does Apple’s stock photo go up?

  12. Rip Ragged says:

    In that particular pose, it looks like he may be reacting positively to good news, or that someone is pushing a Zune up his ass — possibly two.

    Either way, I’m guessing he’ll need a new pair of wool-blend trousers.

    “….her warm, moist vista engulfed my turgid Zune. ‘Ubuntu, ubuntu,’ she repeated as she climbed from a husky whisper to a shrieking, wildly bucking crescendo, ‘UBUNTU, UBUNTU.’

    I collapsed in her arms and murmured into her ear, “Welcome to the social.”

  13. Don of Doom says:

    Rip Ragged…..BRILLIANT! Sorry John, but that was even funnier than the main story! ROTFL

    P.S. And a question Mr Moltz, when are CNBC going to interview YOU!

    http://www.macrumors.com/pages/2006/11/20061116213623.shtml

  14. Nxxx says:

    John,
    This is recycled. Spike Milligan wrote about cardboard cut outs and photographs of people and money when he scripted and performed in the BBC’s “Goon Show” back in the 50s. Know that fashion repeats, but jokes?

  15. hp says:

    Ok. So he has done the pointing, but has he got experience in handshakes and jumping hurdles with a briefcase in a business suit, too? These are basic stock photo skills after all.

  16. nameless norman says:

    nameless norman says my Uncle Zooooooopl is always claiming he abducted Stock Photo Guy. “I had that Stock Photo Guy in the back of my spaceship.” he says. Everyone here on Waldlplooon III thinks he’s a loony, but now I’ve seen the stock photo perhaps he wasn’t just making it up.

  17. bob the wrecker says:

    my little stock Pony?

  18. bob the wrecker says:

    bob has to make a confession, btw. For Undisclosed Reasons, Bob is currently operating a… Oh no, I can’t. It’s too humiliating. But hey, i’ve got to. OK deep breath. Bob is operating a windoAAAAAARRRRRGGH. One more try. A PC. That’s right A PC, with Windows and the works. It’s not pretty, i’m not proud. but hey, now it’s out. Bob feels a better person.

  19. Vegetarian Coward says:

    Bob is not a coward. Thanks for sharing, you worthless pile of ….I mean, that’s great, a PC and your still posting. Kudos!

  20. UhhhDude says:

    I heard that Stock Photo Guy was married to Stock Photo Wife and Kids in the Kitchen, but I’ve also heard hes’s been spotted down at the motel on the interstate with Stock Photo Prostitute.

    Which would explain that whole “Ubuntu, Ubuntu” thing, as well as that broad smile on his face.

  21. Del says:

    Hey does Stock Photo Guy have a Stock Photo iPhone in his hand? I can’t tell from the angle.

  22. scared monster says:

    Can the accessory telephone be changed, by er…let’s say…something else ?

  23. A Priest, a rabbi, Zim says:

    When does the Crazy Apple Rumors Podcast come out Mr. Moltz? This reading stuff is so yesterday…

  24. Apathetíque says:

    Pish.

    Who cares?

  25. Sudo Nym says:

    They couldn’t have hired the cute telephone-headset girl, could they? No, it has to be Obnoxious Yuppie Dork #4.

    Woz never would have hired Obnoxious Yuppie Dork #4, I’ll tell you that.

    You’ve changed, Apple. You’ve changed…

  26. John Moltz says:

    Rip Ragged, that was truly orgasmic. That’s up there with my other favorite dirty sex talk line: “Fuck me like we’re in Tacoma.”

    And Nxxx, I can’t be responsible for the fact that you’re so old you’ve seen it all.

  27. Picker of Nits says:

    Later to the party but still checking spelling.

    …and implimenting

    should be

    …and implementing

    And, Luky No. 30!

  28. Dave says:

    Long time reader, first time poster. CARS is always a little funny, sometimes real funny, and occasionally as funny as this post is on so many levels. Thanks, John, this made my day.

    On the other hand, maybe it says more about my day….

  29. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    Hey! You leave Nxxx alone. That Goon Show was highly esteemed you know.

  30. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, custard, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb.

  31. Rip Ragged says:

    Implimenting implementing.

    It seems like I’ve seen that in a startup window on a PC before.

    I could be wrong.

    Do these Zunes make my ballmer look fat?

  32. I personally love retro anything including retro fashion. Thanks for the post.

  33. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Apple Hires Stock Photo., but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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