Fuckers At Universal Fucking With The Wrong Motherfuckers

Reuters reported today that the fuckers at Universal Music may try to cut a royalty deal with Apple on sales of the iPod, similar to what they managed to extract from the fuckers at Microsoft.

According to the report, Universal Music’s Chief Motherfucker, Doug Motherfucking Morris, has stated his fucked-up belief that when Apple renegotiates its contract with them next year, they will extort a tithe for doing fuck-all.

But sources at Apple indicate that these particular fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.

“It is highly motherfucking unlikely that these fuckers will get away with this,” said a highly placed source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, only because his mother doesn’t like to hear him talk like this.

“Apple’s position as the fucking market leader means that it has some motherfucking leverage here. It would be a real motherfucking shame if these fuckers were to fucking wake up next year and find themselves fucking locked out of sales to the users of the most ubiquituous fucking digital music player.

“A real motherfucking shame.”

When asked why Apple would be able to work a contract that Microsoft could or would not, the source scoffed.

“They’ve sold about five fucking Zunes. We’ve sold 70 million motherfucking iPods.

“I’m just saying, these fuckers are fucking with the wrong motherfuckers.”

All of these fuckers declined to comment officially for this story.

66 thoughts on “Fuckers At Universal Fucking With The Wrong Motherfuckers”

  5. You’re thinking about Ferrets Day, not Terrets Day. On ferrets day, all ferrets fucking rule! On Terrets Day, people use Wikipedia to find out about Tourette’s Syndrome.

  7. That reminds me, Fleishman, I owe you a lunch.

    FUCKER!

    Sorry, that wasn’t Tourette’s. I’m just drunk.

  9. I think this page might be filtered by my machine at work today. Glad I’m reading it first thing in the morning at home then. 😛

  11. Motherfucking filtering! Those god damn IT managers should be lined up and, well, dealt with firmly!

    Ok, just a tad violent I know, but if you’ve had to deal with IT managers before, you must surely share my feelings – especally if you are a Mac user!

    And Moltz, did you just add the line about the 5 fucking Zunes, or was I skimming when I first read the article?

  13. The Battlestar Galactica version:
    Frakers At Universal fraking With The Wrong Motherfrakers
    Reuters reported today that the frakers at Universal Music may try to cut a royalty deal with Apple on sales of the iPod, similar to what they managed to extract from the frakers at Microsoft.
    According to the report, Universal Music’s Chief Motherfraker, Doug Motherfraking Morris, has stated his fraked-up belief that when Apple renegotiates its contract with them next year, they will extort a tithe for doing frak-all.
    But sources at Apple indicate that these particular frakers are fraking with the wrong motherfrakers.
    “It is highly motherfraking unlikely that these frakers will get away with this,” said a highly placed source who spoke on the condition of anonymity, only because his mother doesn’t like to hear him talk like this.
    “Apple’s position as the fraking market leader means that it has some motherfraking leverage here. It would be a real motherfraking shame if these frakers were to fraking wake up next year and find themselves fraking locked out of sales to the users of the most ubiquituous fraking digital music player.
    “A real motherfraking shame.”
    When asked why Apple would be able to work a contract that Microsoft could or would not, the source scoffed.
    “They’ve sold about five fraking Zunes. We’ve sold 70 million motherfraking iPods.
    “I’m just saying, these frakers are fraking with the wrong motherfrakers.”
    All of these frakers declined to comment officially for this story.

  15. My word, the language here today makes my ears burn!

    But I must agree that those media gentlemen are negotiating with the wrong company.

  16. Sorry Carl – it was just those motherfucking ferrets again – I’ll try to keep them under control

  17. Somehow I knew before I clicked on Comments(16) that these were the kind of surly comments this article would attract, psychic?, I don’t think so.

    Years ago, before the F word was accepted on television, one of the commercial channels here screened Blue Velvet. I thought the only way they could pull it off was to completely cut Frank Booth from the film. It was very funny to hear Denis Hopper’s lines come out as “Freak you, you freaking freak!” or “You receive a love letter from me, and you’re freaked forever! You understand, freak? I’ll send you straight to hell, freaker!”

  19. As quite likely the only CARS reader that has been to Bible college I should point out that, technically speaking, the word “tithe” actually means ten percent. Thus it is inaccurately used here.

    I just thought you should fucking know.

  22. If only this article could have made into one of those Geico commercials, with Samuel L. Jackson doing the celebrity interpretation…Heee!

  23. I like the new sytle! It’s edgy. Sure to attract the lucrative youth demographic.

  24. Fuckers At Universal Fucking With The Wrong Motherfuckers

    and now the translation in Dutch;

    Klootzakken bij Universal lopen te klootzakken met de verkeerde moederneukers!!

    Cheers!

  25. Today’s show brought to you by the letter “FUCK”

    This article makes me crave a tequila protein shake for breakfast.

  30. As someone who tithes regularly, I must say I prefer the battlestar galactic version. 😉

    And no, I would not pay a tithe to any of the above-mentioned companies. If Universal actually wangled some deal like this with Apple, I would refuse to buy any iPods until the deal was recanted. What a STUPID deal. I may stop buying Universal music because of their ridiculous, insular, arrogant, blind greed!

    Great, now you got me all worked up, Moltz. Thanks a bunch. 😛

  31. Fucking fuckers are going to ask for a tithe on sebots too cause we all know you need to play some fuck music to get it on.

    What’s next? Bunch of goat fuckers.

    You know the only reason MS made the Zune was to make that deal in an effort to hit Apple with this. “MS made this deal!” Fucking goat fuckers.

  32. Subject, predicate, adjective, adverb, noun, verb, expletive, conjunction. Hmmm. Almost.

    You have failed to use “fuck” as a preposition. Other than that, I think you have everything covered.

    P.S. Fuck Universal.

  36. Fuck those fucking fucks!

    Hmmm, can’t seem to construct an entire sentence where each word involves the root “fuck.”

    How about?

    Fucking fucks, fuck ’em.

    Nope, still one word (or fragment thereof) is not pulling its weight with regard to fucktitude. I’m going to keep working on this. The future of profanity depends on it.

  37. You people act like this is something new. This kind of thing has been going on for years. Why, back in the ’60s, Decca records sued Shure for a cut of their profits because Shure styluses were digging the music out of the grooves of those old vinyl records.

    Back then, every day it seemed we heard of some new lawsuit — another record company suing somebody who made turntables or amplifiers or speakers for a cut of the deal, because those stereos and record-players wouldn’t sell without the music, now, would they? The courts were clogged.

    Don’t believe me? You can look it up! But, uh… if you, like, spend a lot of time looking it up, and, uh… you find out it’s not really true… hey, we’re still pals, right?

  43. Right fucking on! Fuck those motherfuckers! I tried to complain to Universal and I got put on their motherfucking e-mail marketing list, so FUCK them!

  44. blank Says:
    Hmmm, can’t seem to construct an entire sentence where each word involves the root “fuck.”
    How about?
    Fucking fucks, fuck ‘em.
    —
    The future of profanity depends on it.
    —
    Punctuation, dear sir, is your friend, and like unix, the colon gets to the bottom of it all –

    Fucking fucks: fucked, fuckers.

  45. I am so motherfucking offended by this damned foul language. What the fuck is wrong with you Moltz, you cunt? Some of us don’t go in for this kind of shit. I am so fucking offended that I am going back to the motherfucking Giga-Post. I hope all you fuckers do the same.

  47. Any chance of suing the motherfuckers? I mean, they suggested iPods users are thieves. And that causes me a lot of distress and mental anguish. My friends and family will look at me with suspicions. Little old ladies will be scared in my presence. My standing in the community could be greatly damaged.

  48. Don’t even need to read the fuckin’ article. Love the fucked up fuckin’ headline! Motherfuckers.

  50. Mr Wothersgate, Esq.

    Sir:

    I stand in awe of your genius.

    (Really, I’m standing as I type this.)

    I wish I’d thought of that.

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