30 Nov 06Jobs Building Successor In Basement.

After mass speculation several weeks ago about who would succeed CEO Steve Jobs, sources at Apple indicate that, not content to leave the company that he founded in anyone else’s hands, Jobs is building his successor in his basement.

Sources say Jobs has been taking a six pack of Coors Lite, a bag of Pork-Free Rinds and his iPod down to his basement every Saturday morning for a year. His family has heard loud banging sounds and once or twice smelled sulfur.

At this point details about the replacement Jobs is constructing are sketchy. For instance, it is unknown if the successor is some type of robot – perhaps an offshoot of the long-stalled sexbot program – or a golem – which Jobs is known to have created in the past.

Jobs himself confirmed his pet project but would not provide technical details.

“Suffice it to say that my replacement will be constructed in my image and will exist as a fully functional agent to continue to enact my will upon the physical plane,” Jobs said when reached for comment.

“It may also shoot death rays from its eyes. Something I always wanted to be able to do. Just… thought I’d add that.”

In order to carry out this task, Jobs has enlisted the help of an old friend, Steve Wozniak. Sources indicate Woz shows up at the Jobs residence frequently on Saturday mornings carrying a six pack of Old Milwaukee, a bag of Funyuns and old VHS tapes of Banacek.

It should be noted that some sources insist the entire thing is a ruse for the two men to get away from their wives for several hours each weekend.

Meanwhile, sources at Microsoft say CEO Steve Ballmer is working on a Ballmer golem to take his place when he retires. The work is having an adverse affect on the holiday gift buying season as those familiar with the black arts say the main ingredient in a Ballmer golem is a prodigious amount of Hai-Karate.

32 Responses to “Jobs Building Successor In Basement.”

  1. unity says:

    And now we know the ONE who buys Old Milwaukee.

  2. TwoHeadedBoy says:

    Do you think that at the end of it, Jobs will pay Woz $500, pocket the rest of the $140 million Apple will pay him for his possibly-sex-bot-with-frickin-laser-beams-in-his-eyes successor, and then 10 years down the track Woz will get all pissed and pouty at Steve?

  3. unity says:

    And what exactly is a VHS?

  4. PoisedNoise says:

    Untiy cheated. Yeah he was first, but I bet he didn’t read it – I was going to grab first, then thought, naw, I’ll read the article so I can be insightful AS WELL AS first. Something like…. “Wow, a Jobs/Wozniak Sexbot – wonder if we’ll then see a ‘merger’ with the M$ ‘Developers developers’ golem… what a scary concept.” Something like that, see. Except it would have ben better of course. You’ve thrown my rhythm totally now.

  5. Carl says:

    There’s an old Polish proverb that says in order to build a golem, you need to first sell sexbots to the public.

    What? No?

    Oh. Well, it must be a new Polish proverb then…

  6. vitamin fortified says:

    7th heaven.

    My question is anyone weighing Woz after each visit? We know Steve-O has a penchant for organ harvesting. And he is just a bit too gleeful about this robot. Just don’t know how such an entity would run on Pork-free rinds and Funyons. Maybe the unique properties result in a cold fusion reaction, assuming it is liquid-cooled with a Colorado-Wisconsin blend.- Who Knew!!

  7. vitamin fortified says:

    Oh, and he I agree with the death rays.EVERYTHING is cooler with death rays

  8. Nxxx says:

    Please promise me you are not also working in your basement at the weekends, John.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Are you sure it’s not Brut that Mr. Ballmer is using for his likeness?

  10. vitamin fortified says:

    Please promising me you are not drinking Old Milwaukee period, John

  11. Mark says:

    You can’t fool me! The Ballmer golem has been in charge for years now!

  12. Sir Macallot says:

    I smell sulfer…!?

    And I’m faster than Bob the wrecker this time!!

  13. Too all-beef patty says:

    It won’t work without protein; nothing works without protein. Ask your doctor, or try to find episodes of Bewitched where they changed lead actors without explanation; you can’t build a succesor without protein. So, put the pork back into the rinds and go all the way.

  14. Eses says:

    Wow, the link was to a 2004 article…were people even Alive way back then? (At my company finding a file from 2004 is crazy talk unless you’re in tight with the archivers.)

  15. Bob the wrecker says:

    Bob is verrrrrry busy these days sir. Something to do with gnomes. No basement involved though. Not quite sure about the sexbot factor. Just let me check. Nope. The real thing.

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    Hmmm. That doesn’t fit neatly with my hypothesis that Steve Ballmer is the result of a failed attempt to clone Steve Jobs. Of course, I never included Woz, Zunes, Ubuntu, Vista, pork protein (how did I miss that?) or green m&ms in the calculations. That could be the problem.

  17. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

    It’s obviously an unholy amalgamation of Hell beast (hence the smell of sulphur) and robotics (hence the need for Woz’s help).

  18. iGIR says:

    Domo arigato misuta sekusuboto

  19. John Moltz says:

    I haven’t had Old Milwaukee in years, but I have recently been seen drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon.

  20. BD says:

    I want to know how Woz got the Segway past everyone. You know there is one in that basement. Cheap beer powered Segway with death-ray-eyes and pork-free rind/funyun dispenser, now where talkin’.

    Isn’t there a law in the North West that requires you to drink BPR one at least one occasion?

  21. OMGHAX says:

    And when it gets mad, it plays the mac boot sound.

  22. unity says:

    I did too read it. I was kinda surprised that no one posted! And seeing as I have NEVER EVER…EVER.. posted before, I grabbed it 😛 (hops on Segway and segways away)

  23. Squished Squirrel says:

    The segway was just an offshoot of sexbot technology. How else do you think the sexbots could stand without it?

    Nothing about this surprises me. Jobs has all the technolgy to build a likeness of himself…

    Body: Apple II case plastics. Extremely durable, flesh toned no less. I think the outermost dermis is the foam bags from current laptop packaging.
    Skeleton: Magnesium alloy from old G4 laptops.
    Balance: Segway CPU.
    Locomotion: AppleColor Monitor power tilt servos… some of them still work.
    Power: Recalled Sony LiPo batteries. If they explode… Ehh, so what, that’s Jobs.
    Sight: Binocular iSight cameras. (No, they will not be mounted “Johnny 5” style.)
    Voice: Macintalk. Although I’m not sure if he will use Bruce or Zarvox. I’ve heard the Trinoids voice makes the Balmer Gollum go nuts and start screaming “Developers” repeatedly.
    Touch: Trackpads…. thousands of them. Not sure why so many are concentrated on the feet though.
    Hair: MacTV plastics.
    Circulatory: G5 liquid cooling. The radiators are ass mounted BTW.

    Who is better positioned in the industry to do this?

  24. Anomynous says:

    Eses, linking to two year old articles is just part of the magic of this newfangled intarweb thing.

  25. Streetrabbit says:

    Woz and Jojo together again….that’s nice.

    The only true way we’ll know what Jobs is up to is through a Photoshop competition.

  26. […] Jobs Building Successor In Basement (Via MacUser) […]

  27. Patent Lawer says:

    Ass-mounted radiators are covered under US patent 345A-3345, 10/7/2003. Please cease and desist from your experiments in this area.

    Oh wait, do you mean “ass” as in “naughty place”? Our patent covers “ass” as in “donkey”.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    It occurs to me that in the discussion of who in the industry is best positioned, Steve Ballmer seems better suited to having a radiator mounted on his ass, or possibly Ron Hovsepian. Wait. No. Other way around. Thank goodness this isn’t a family blog. Splitting infinitives can be fun.

  29. NWJR says:

    It’s a pony, I till you. A MUTHAFUCKIN PONY!

  30. DocWolfram says:

    PBR is WAY better than Old Milwaukee!

    Oh, and 31.

  31. g0rdo says:

    32nd… fuck fuck nigger shit

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