After mass speculation several weeks ago about who would succeed CEO Steve Jobs, sources at Apple indicate that, not content to leave the company that he founded in anyone else’s hands, Jobs is building his successor in his basement.
Sources say Jobs has been taking a six pack of Coors Lite, a bag of Pork-Free Rinds and his iPod down to his basement every Saturday morning for a year. His family has heard loud banging sounds and once or twice smelled sulfur.
At this point details about the replacement Jobs is constructing are sketchy. For instance, it is unknown if the successor is some type of robot – perhaps an offshoot of the long-stalled sexbot program – or a golem – which Jobs is known to have created in the past.
Jobs himself confirmed his pet project but would not provide technical details.
“Suffice it to say that my replacement will be constructed in my image and will exist as a fully functional agent to continue to enact my will upon the physical plane,” Jobs said when reached for comment.
“It may also shoot death rays from its eyes. Something I always wanted to be able to do. Just… thought I’d add that.”
In order to carry out this task, Jobs has enlisted the help of an old friend, Steve Wozniak. Sources indicate Woz shows up at the Jobs residence frequently on Saturday mornings carrying a six pack of Old Milwaukee, a bag of Funyuns and old VHS tapes of Banacek.
It should be noted that some sources insist the entire thing is a ruse for the two men to get away from their wives for several hours each weekend.
Meanwhile, sources at Microsoft say CEO Steve Ballmer is working on a Ballmer golem to take his place when he retires. The work is having an adverse affect on the holiday gift buying season as those familiar with the black arts say the main ingredient in a Ballmer golem is a prodigious amount of Hai-Karate.