Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I have a Mac mini that I use as a media hub. It’s connected to my HDTV and I use it to watch movies, but I’ve been having a problem with skipping video. See, it’s fine when it’s a DVD, but when…
A: Hey, you know, I’d love to help you with this, but today’s not good for me.
Q: Oh. Uh, OK, how about Monday?
A: Mmm. No. Probably not. We’ve got the big 5th Anniversary party.
Q: Well, I’m open Tuesday.
A: Uh… Tuesday. Tuesday. Nnnnope. Got a doctor appointment and then a meeting with some Apple sources.
Q: Wednesday it is, then.
A: Nuh-uh. I’m taking my car in and then I have to stalk Schiller. I’d get Macgruder to do it but he took the last five shifts. It’s just not fair.
Q: Smooth sailing for me on Thursday.
A: Ooh. Thursday. Wow. No.
Q: Well, I’m open from now until… well… I’ve got nothing. Ever. Really. Pick a date.
A: Yeah, see, I think I just don’t want to help you.
Q: Wh-why not?
A: You just seem kind of needy. I just feel like if I helped you know, you’d just be calling me again and again.
Q: I don’t… well… I…
A: …
Q: Have you been talking to Chris Breen?
A: He… might have mentioned you. In passing.
Q: Oh, that’s just great.


Q: I hope you can help me. I’m having terrible problems with my Zune.
A: Uh… we don’t really support the Zune. We could help you with the iPod.
Q: But I don’t have an iPod. I have a Zune. C’mon, man.
A: Hmm, well, I can’t promise anything but I’ll give it a shot. I know there were a lot of problems installing the software. Is that your problem?
Q: Installing software? No. It’s not that.
A: OK. Is it getting content? Because PlaysForSure files don’t work on the Zune.
Q: Content. Well, it’s kind of content-related. I’m trying to get my content out of my Zune.
A: Oh. You’re having a problem with squirting?
Q: Yes! Yes! Exactly! Squirting! I’m having a problem with squirting! From my Zune!
A: …
Q: …
A: [sigh]
Q: You’re… supposed to ask me if I’m using “Zune” as a euphemism for a part of my body.
A: But it’s just so obvious.
Q: Yeah. And a Zune bit now? Shouldn’t you have done this like two weeks ago?
A: There was a… scheduling snafu…


Q: Hey, speaking of the Zune, did you hear that Microsoft put a bunch of pink Zunes in without telling people?
A: Oh, yeah, I think I did see that.
Q: I think Apple should do that!
A: But they sell a pink iPod. You can just buy one.
Q: No! I mean a pink Zune!
A: Instead of an iPod?
Q: Yeah!
A: Why would they do that?
Q: To mess with their customers! To say, “I’m the god! I control your universe! I giveth and I taketh away! Bow down before me!”
A: That would be a little weird.
Q: And then they should sneak up behind their customers and cold cock ’em! Ha-ha! Bam!
A: You have issues, Gordy.
Q: Scudda-bwam! Ha! Who’s your big daddy?!
A: Oh, man.

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. John, I’m so glad you actually did the Help Desk.
    I was having trouble coming up with ideas of my own to do a replacement.

    It was going to be Zune based, though…
    More poo/Zune humor. Can’t get enough.

    The humor, not the poo.

  2. Having read that Help Desk, I am inclined to believe that you hold, for once, the correct opinion regarding Friday postings.

  3. Oh F*** !
    I’m in the Top Ten !

    Daddy !!
    Come and look !!
    I made something out of my life !
    (I can read the desk now.)

  4. As I top ten poster, I would suggest that we ended this ‘squirt’ misunderstanding once and for all!
    For that reason I post a link to the definition of ‘squirt‘ in Urban Dictionary. I think that this will be especially helpful for the foreign readers of CARS, правда?

    meow

  5. Hey man, I know you sometimes post in the comments… so, uh… well, I just thought if you are going to comment you could take that time to, you know, answer my question… ab-about the skipping… of the video.

  6. If I’m 13th post on Saturday but it’s for Friday’s Help Desk, is it bad luck?
    But, it is a prime, so I’ll risk it.
    Thirteenth!!!

  7. Squirting Zunes! Ubuntu! Vista!

    I’ve found the best fix for most problems with a Zune: Mist it lightly with Apple Cider Vinegar and put it in the microwave oven on High for one minute. Then wipe it with a damp cloth and throw it away.

    I think Apple should introduce a pink palm pilot pre-programmed with Power Point. Possibly a Brown bluetooth Blackberry or a Ruby Red Razr running RealPlayer. Maybe a totally tricked out titanium Treo. As long as it’s alliterative, I’m a happy camper.

    Hey! Come back here with my dentures.

  8. I think you should be able to squirt Zunes into your sexbots.
    that way you could have your music while you work.

  9. Brown? Bah. Pink? Overdone. Now what should really be the special toy surprise inside:

    Flower Power and Blue Dalmation iPods!

    Yeah! That’d shake things up!

  10. Apple already does stuff to mess with us. Losing money while selling out of the flopped iPhone before it is even introduced. I mean, that makes my head hurt just trying to figure out what I’ve just written!

    Stop it Apple!!

    19th, which places me solidly in the top 20 posters on this thread. Chronologically.

  11. Dang it. That’s the third time this week I’ve read about the iPhone flopping. When the Zune is flopping (which is most of the time) I hardly mention it to anyone.

    I find that if you take a big Vista first thing every morning, you’ll have far less trouble with flopping iPhones.

    If you doubt the imminent arrival of the apocalypse consider that Ubuntu spelled backwards is “Utnubu,” and that Lindsey Lohan would probably misspell it, use it wrong, and have trouble installing it.

  12. I think that Apple should introduce their own, anti-zune, called the iZune. It would do everything that the Zune does, as well as a few new features. Of course, the main new feature would be that it worked, right “out of the box”. THEN you would see the Zune headlines fly. Color, schmolor. It has to actually work when you try to use it. (of course, I tried to get a stick of gum out of my iPod shuffle for 3 days before I realized it was a music player… here this whole time I thought it was a REALLY expensive pack of gum)

  13. Gordy! Didn’t he beat certain Dell models at Gaussian blurring in MacGruder’s speed investigation? And he totally tried to get an iPod Pro, but he’s not a pro! Silly Gordy. Think’s he’s a pro. Psh.

  14. Dad? Wow, good to see you here! Hey, look, work has been kind of slow and the kids are sick and my wife is pregnant and out of work. I was wondering, with Christmas coming up soon and all, I was wondering…Can I have a Wii for Christmas? I think it is the only way I’m going to be able to put up with the rest of the crap in my life.

    Tell Mom I said “hi” and I’m sorry about the freezer door. Rip promises to put gas in the car. This time. And we really are working on John about that “language issue” if you know what I mean.

    Lotsa love,
    Ahnyer

  15. In Soviet Russia, sexbots squirt your zune!

    I’m sorry for that outburst. So very sorry!

    Speaking of things I’m sorry for: The iPhone will out-sell the zune-phone, and I will buy neither!

    So in summary, I’m sorry.

  16. I think blank is just rubbing our ubuntu.

    How come Microsoft isn’t making Zune compatible with the industry standard? I mean, iPod/iTMS is the industry standard. Isn’t it? How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck e. cheese? If all of the college coeds were placed end to end, it would be April in Ft. Lauderdale.

    My sources reports that Zunes are incredibly sturdy and rugged. One source says that after soaking his Zune all night in the toilet, then hitting it “five or six times” with a ball peen hammer, it still failed to install the OS. And to this day, he is still not able to find any video worth playing on it.

  17. I am not sure that I can completely understand your comments. Would you be so kind as to expand on your reasoning a little more before I comment.

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