Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I have a Mac mini that I use as a media hub. It’s connected to my HDTV and I use it to watch movies, but I’ve been having a problem with skipping video. See, it’s fine when it’s a DVD, but when…
A: Hey, you know, I’d love to help you with this, but today’s not good for me.
Q: Oh. Uh, OK, how about Monday?
A: Mmm. No. Probably not. We’ve got the big 5th Anniversary party.
Q: Well, I’m open Tuesday.
A: Uh… Tuesday. Tuesday. Nnnnope. Got a doctor appointment and then a meeting with some Apple sources.
Q: Wednesday it is, then.
A: Nuh-uh. I’m taking my car in and then I have to stalk Schiller. I’d get Macgruder to do it but he took the last five shifts. It’s just not fair.
Q: Smooth sailing for me on Thursday.
A: Ooh. Thursday. Wow. No.
Q: Well, I’m open from now until… well… I’ve got nothing. Ever. Really. Pick a date.
A: Yeah, see, I think I just don’t want to help you.
Q: Wh-why not?
A: You just seem kind of needy. I just feel like if I helped you know, you’d just be calling me again and again.
Q: I don’t… well… I…
Q: Have you been talking to Chris Breen?
A: He… might have mentioned you. In passing.
Q: Oh, that’s just great.
Q: I hope you can help me. I’m having terrible problems with my Zune.
A: Uh… we don’t really support the Zune. We could help you with the iPod.
Q: But I don’t have an iPod. I have a Zune. C’mon, man.
A: Hmm, well, I can’t promise anything but I’ll give it a shot. I know there were a lot of problems installing the software. Is that your problem?
Q: Installing software? No. It’s not that.
A: OK. Is it getting content? Because PlaysForSure files don’t work on the Zune.
Q: Content. Well, it’s kind of content-related. I’m trying to get my content out of my Zune.
A: Oh. You’re having a problem with squirting?
Q: Yes! Yes! Exactly! Squirting! I’m having a problem with squirting! From my Zune!
Q: You’re… supposed to ask me if I’m using “Zune” as a euphemism for a part of my body.
A: But it’s just so obvious.
Q: Yeah. And a Zune bit now? Shouldn’t you have done this like two weeks ago?
A: There was a… scheduling snafu…
Q: Hey, speaking of the Zune, did you hear that Microsoft put a bunch of pink Zunes in without telling people?
A: Oh, yeah, I think I did see that.
Q: I think Apple should do that!
A: But they sell a pink iPod. You can just buy one.
Q: No! I mean a pink Zune!
A: Instead of an iPod?
A: Why would they do that?
Q: To mess with their customers! To say, “I’m the god! I control your universe! I giveth and I taketh away! Bow down before me!”
A: That would be a little weird.
Q: And then they should sneak up behind their customers and cold cock ’em! Ha-ha! Bam!
A: You have issues, Gordy.
Q: Scudda-bwam! Ha! Who’s your big daddy?!
A: Oh, man.