Apple Hastily Working on iPhone.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources today indicate that Apple, despite the numerous patent claims and weeks of rock-solid reports of multiple iPhone models, only started working on the iPhone yesterday.

According to those in the know, the company had not even considered getting into the cellular phone business until it became apparent that rumors of an iPhone were not going away and that the company would be considered a failure if it didn’t produce.

“Well, we didn’t want to do one,” said Apple hardware engineer Alan Kane, “but now we kind of have to. Sheesh.

“Everyone’s all ‘Ooh, the iPhone’s got a slide-out keyboard and video and songs and it’s GSM and CDMR, M-O-U-S-E.’ And you know how Steve hates to let people down. Oh, he hates it.”

Apple is rushing to get the iPhone designed and prototyped before Macworld San Francisco next month so that it can be announced during the keynote.

Kane said it should be no problem.

“We’ll just cram. Pull a couple of nighters. We made the first iPod in a week and a half. I mean, it’s just a hard drive. And we didn’t even write the OS.

“If worse comes to worse, we’ll just mock something up with foam core board and some glue. A couple of pipe cleaners. That’s what we did with the iTV.”

Other than Kane and several senior executives and PR officials who provided background information, Apple declined to comment for this story.

34 thoughts on “Apple Hastily Working on iPhone.”

  1. So that’s why they ordered 24 long scaffold poles from me yesterday, so they are going to be round, unless the polesare for Christmas decorations.
    But why four tons of brown dye?

  2. Necessity is the mother of invention; “keeping up appearances” is the father of smoldering resentment.

  3. Damn stuck – key, you sha– be the ruin of us a–.. I mean it. I can spe– ok, it’s just this stupid – key that a-ways ruins it for me.

  4. This whole article is inspired by my comment, a couple of days ago, about a Newton and a Nokia 5700 taped together.

    Once again Moltz…you owe me.

    Send the meat and I’ll say no more.

  5. Do not send meat John. Rabbits are vegetarian. You’ll get the blame if we are besieged by man-eating rabbits.

  6. While digging through the trash early this morning looking for breakfast at the Denny’s in Cupertino, I found a crumpled drawing of what can only be the soon-to-be-released iPhone Shuffle. In a flash of revolutionary thinking, the screen has been eliminated, numbers are dialed at random (or you can select a number if you remember where it is at in your list), and there is a clip on the back.

    I have enclosed a copy of the drawing; sorry about the grease stains. Note that there is no microphone, so evidently this is only for listening to phone calls, which is sometimes just about all you want.

  7. Not the killer rabbits!!

    “Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it. Amen.”

  8. Apple’s too late. They’re not considered a failure because they didn’t introduce the iPhone, Michael Kanellos at ZDNet already considers the iPhone a failure:

    Poor Apple. They are now stuck. If they don’t introduce the iPhone, they’re a failure. If they do, the iPhone has already failed and they’re a failure.

    Cue Rob Enderle’s “Apple’s imminent demise” bit….NOW!

  9. Now we’re going to start on the Grail quotes? Didn’t you people see Weird Al’s “White and Nerdy” video? “I memorized Holy Grail really well. I can recite it right now and have you ROTFLOL.”

    That, my friends, was a warning shot across our pocket protectors! Heed the warning from the King of the Nerds. Resist the urge.

  10. Resists the urge?

    You were lucky.

    Off you go with the full Yorkshiremen’s sketch……………………..

  11. Apple! Stop procrastinating! Wait, if Apple wasn’t designing an iPhone all this time, then what was it doing!?

  12. I know this is, in fact, a false rumor.

    We all know that they don’t need foam board for the demonstration.

    Steve can always

  13. “That rabbits got a nasty disposition!” – Tim

    It should be “that rabbits got a nasty disposition,” as the sentence contains a contraction for “rabbit has got.”

  14. haha, I mentioned the comment about creating the phone at the last minute… and Moltz created an awesome story! And my name was used! I’m famous!

  15. What’s the use of a phone, should it be designed by Mr Ives & Mr Jobs themselves, if you have no one to call with ?

    I prefer that lonely occupation with the iPod.

    Sing all together :
    « With My Pod
    I don’t need no one
    With my Pod
    I’m the only one
    Oh, yeah.»

  16. I would like to see the video where his Jobness stands on the stage in SF, wags his middle finger at the gathered masses, and says “Here’s your iPhone, frigtards. Kiss my ass.”

    Of course, I don’t want a brown one. I’m hoping for a Titanium.

  17. “His Jobsness” would have been more correct. The mighty Steve?

    You know who I mean, right?

    If you have a big blister on your foot, you should never pop it with a needle. Not on the first date, anyway. Especially not in the restaurant when she’s supposed to be paying for dinner. You might get stuff on your tuxedo.

  18. I just figured with all the analyst statements about 2nd iPhones and failing iPhones and sold-out iPhones (sorry, what? CARS isn’t an analyst? Eh?), Apple assumed it already HAD made the iPhone.

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