Crazy Apple Rumor Site 5th Anniversary Roast!



Why am I shouting?

Oh, it’s these damn klieg lights. The fans in them are really noisy.

Anyway, we’ve got a great show for you tonight. We’re pleased to have a number of luminaries of the Apple community here to roast us and at the end one lucky reader will walk away with some free crap!

Before we get into the roasting, I’d like to note that these are actual quotes from actual people.

I don’t know why I feel compelled to say that. It’s not like we’d make anything up.




Let’s get started!

Our first guest is the author of probably the most popular Mac blog. Please join me in welcoming Daring Fireball’s John Gruber.

I love CARS. It’s sort of like The Daily Show for Mac news, except
The Daily Show is actually funny.

Oh, so, it’s the trademark CARS accuracy he enjoys. Gotcha. We hear that a lot.

Moving on, our next roaster is the editor of the venerable Macworld magazine. A respected voice in Apple news, here’s Jason Snell.

Late in 2001, the world was introduced to a new thing unlike any that they had seen before. It was destined to change the lives of every who laid eyes upon it. With five years’ hindsight, it’s clear that we will, as a society of media consumers, never be the same. That item was, of course, the iPod. Wait, are you saying CARS started then too? Jeez. Congratulations, CARS, for squeezing two years’ worth of Web comedy into five!

You know, I don’t know why I ever agreed to write for your magazine.

Oh, yes I do. You paid me. That’s right.

Our next guest has been a great friend of the site, having been gracious enough to have me on his show twice, despite me getting into a slap fight with Sly. Please give it up for Your Mac Life host Shawn King.

Crazy Apple Rumors is one of the top three web sites of its kind. Granted, there are only three of its kind but… well… ummm…

John Moltz is the funniest guy on the Mac Web. And, if you knew what a
humorless bunch of wankers the Mac Web actually was, you’d know how little
being “the funniest guy” among them actually means.

When I grow up, I want to be just like him – fat, lazy and resting
on my laurels.

Well, in my defense, these laurels are huge. I mean, look at them. How can you not rest on these suckers? They’re just asking to rested upon.

Yes, ladies, what you’ve heard is true. I have gigantic laurels.

We couldn’t be more thrilled than having our next celebrity roaster speak. For the most authoritative word on technology, look no further than Wall Street Journal columnist Walt Mossberg.

Who’s crazy now? On many days, CARS items — even the ones about talking dogs and space aliens — seem more realistic than a lot of the stuff on allegedly “fact-based” Mac rumor sites. And they beat me to the punch in revealing the plans for the forthcoming “iPod nano y nano” device.

Ha-ha! Oh, Walt! We stole your notes, man! We stole your notes!

Seriously, we did. We stole your notes.

And you had a pack of Tic-Tacs on your desk. We took that, too.

Over the years we’ve been fortunate to have several Apple executives look at the numbers and decide that suing us just wasn’t worth the time and effort. One of those is senior director of iPod product marketing Stan Ng. Stan?

Wow, 5th anniversary. Congratulations. Through five years of reading CARS, I’ve laughed, I’ve cried, I’ve fallen asleep, and I’ve had people looking at my ass for the new shuffle ever since that one article. You know which article. The article that prompted me to get the new Ronco Elliptical Buttmaster 3000 with its patent-pending 7 minute work out. Oh, the horror of it all. But I’m over it. My therapist says that people are laughing near me, not at me, so I can’t blame you all for that, especially when you’re just reporting the facts. In any case, congratulations again on five great years. Keep up the great reporting, please don’t write about my posterior anymore, and looking forward to another five years.

No promises! We reserve the right to write about any part of an Apple executive’s anatomy!

But, Stan, if that whole iPod marketing thing doesn’t work out for you, give us a call. I think you’ve got what it takes to write for Crazy Apple Rumors Site.

And I don’t say that to everyone.

Now, Jack Miller first surmised that our next guest was the product of an experiment to splice the genes of Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak. But we’ve since learned that he’s actually the result of a transporter accident involving the two and some other guy named Greg. Please welcome vice president of worldwide iPod product marketing Greg Joswiak.

Five years? Its hard to believe that CARS has managed to stay in business for that long and so little is really known about John Moltz. Some say that John Moltz is a eccentric zillionaire from the wild dot com days who is funding the highly paid CARS staff and this very high production web site from his own pocket. Others say that there is no John Moltz and that CARS is actually driven by a Canadian syndicate whose primary goal is to promote the reputation of Phil Schiller so he can one day be a candidate for Prime Minister. All I know is that I have started each day for the last five years with laughter by reading the latest CARS posting. Its good to be able to laugh at yourself and CARS makes sure that not only can we laugh at ourselves but millions of readers can laugh at us as well. Hmmm, at least I think that’s good.

Congrats on five great years — well, there were at least three great years in there.

Hey, three years?! We’ll take it! And take that Jason Snell! “Two years.” As if! It’s at least two and a half.

And is it scaring anyone else that these Apple execs really seem to know a lot about the CARS’ content? I know it’s scaring me.

Finally, to close this memorable 5th Anniversary Roast, I’d like to introduce our star speaker.

A 2-time Grammy Award winner, he’s played on three Stanley Cup-winning teams and in 1998 he won the Iditarod, mushing the first all-Dachshund team in the race’s history to victory.

Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him and Apple and this site wouldn’t be where they are today without him. Let’s give a big round of applause to…

…senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller!

I remember it like it was only yesterday, Crazy Apple Rumors burst onto the web scene with it’s unique design and a risque perspective and I thought “what the @*%*? is this guy serious?” And then I laughed until my sides hurt. And the laughter has not stopped ever since. For the past five years CARS has covered Pulitzer-worthy journalism that others fear to touch – crazed replicons, sexbots, alternate universes, hillbillies, open source sandwiches, and more. The Internet needs CARS! So, I lift my frosty mug, toast CARS first five years of hilarious blogging, and hope for five more.

Without turning this into “a very special CARS”, I’d like to thank Phil in particular for being the patron saint of this site. I’d also like to thank the other roasters, each of whom has done his part to make this site what it is today:

Modestly popular.

But mostly I’d like to thank you, the CARS reader. When the Entity and I first met in the Waffle House in Lancaster, Penn., I never dreamed that the Apple rumors site we envisioned would one day turn out to be modestly popular.

Thank you for five wonderful years.


I swore I wasn’t going to cry!

Well, we’d love to give each and every one of you some crap, but we’re only giving it to one of you tonight.

And tonight’s lucky winner is…

[drum roll]

Name Redacted at the Winner’s Request!

Name Redacted has won her choice of one of the following fabulously crappy packages!

  1. The CARS t-shirt of her choice and some Apple logo post-it notes from the Missing Bite.
  2. The CARS t-shirt of her choice and a CARS sticker.
  3. A CARS mug and a CARS checklist mouse pad.

Congratulations to Name Redacted!

Thanks for tuning in tonight and every night. We’ve got four more nights of crappy giveaways so if your name’s not Name Redacted, don’t give up hope yet. If you’ve already sent your name in, you’re automatically entered for the rest of the week.

Good night and thanks again from all of us here at Crazy Apple Rumors Site.

60 thoughts on “Crazy Apple Rumor Site 5th Anniversary Roast!”

  1. Moltz, since it is your birthday, tonight I will save you from doing that whole thing where I amd I alone am every reply from #1 through #11 for the 6th time. (I try to average doing it once a year) Happy birthday, man!

  2. Congratulations to the whole CARS staff, who as a team could finish the Iditarod before Schiller and his Dachshunds could get out of bed. Not that he sleeps with those puppies.

  3. Either a round or a Baker’s dozen.
    Happy Birthday Cars and John and us.
    After careful research, I can reveal that the combined I.Q. of the CARS staff and posters combined is , wait for it, 143.

  4. It is kinda spooky that real people know all about this site. Does that mean that we’re all real people too? Or are only our Macs real, and we’re just flitering ghosts in front of them? Huh.

    Congrats John, and thanks! Burning my sage and crossing my mouse fingers in the hopes of free crap!

  5. It’s undeniable, John, everyone looks good in a tux. From where I was sitting your laurels weren’t noticable; I just assumed you had an iPod in each pocket.

    But, please, next time you’re speaking in public using a microphone and the P.A. system starts to whine because the ignorant operator is trying to raise your voice over the sound of the audience continuing to eat their dessert (and you thought they came to hear you speak), don’t put your hand over the face of the microphone, it only makes things worse.

    Thought you’d want to know…

  6. waitaminute. Do you realize that the first crap recipient is a woman? Do you know what that this means? That means that Dell is not the only woman who comes here!? Does that mean there be Tech Talkin’ Babes outside of the Joy of Tech fantasy world?

    And here I thought we were all a bunch of dweeby guys with no social skills. Good to know that we’re equal opportunity dweebs.

    BTW, I’m 18 which is twice nine and one way to look at that is that I’m in the top ten twice. Another way is that I’m in the top twenty. Another way is that I’m a dweeby guy who needs to get a life and worry about something more substantial than how many people commented before me.

  7. How things have changed over the last five years. Does anyone else remember Vinz Machete? It wasn’t until Howard the dog became photographer that we actually got to see staff photos. Also, remember how Masako used to be infatuated with Steve Jobs? Am I in some sort of Twilight Zone episode? Does no one else remember these things?

  8. Note to Jack Miller:

    When you use “it is” as a contraction, you need an apostrophe (like this: “it’s”).

    Note to Phil Schiller:

    A posessive its has no apostrophe.

    You’re welcome.

  9. Nicholas Chapman, I’m with ya. But have you noticed that since Thor showed up we haven’t heard much from the rest of the staff?

    I think Thor has then held prisoner in his basement.

  10. And with #23, I have to say: Mattingly.

    Congrats on five years!
    And was that the longest post you’ve ever done?

  11. *Del shreds her 38 page zune porn manuscript and lights it on fire using one of her patented iFlames. The iFlame, a perfect gift for Christmas for anyone. Now for the low price of $199.99US. If you order before Dec 15th all iFlames will ship with a free iFlame Jr. (a value of $99.99US).*

    Also remember boys and girls when ordering your Christmas presents from Amazon use the CARS link to help keep this site going. Cuz really, if CARS goes away imagine what I would do with my time.

  12. Congrats on being around for 5 years. Maybe for the 10th raost, we can havea Rockette Kickline with sexbots and a knife throwing act with ninja kittens. And more ponies. period

  13. Just the kind of Crapâ„¢ I’d hoped it would be: the same kind of which I already have too much. The confusing thing though, is that I don’t recall ever seeing a post from this Elinora Mantovani person.

    Must spend all her time in the Giga-post. Never been there myself, so I can’t say.

    John wouldn’t make something like that up would he? Not on an occasion like this. Would he?? I can’t take the suspense.

  14. Hey! So I used to have the funniest site until the Entity paid me a visit and threatened to have my Apples teleported into my spleen. Now I hide in the basement in fear of Molz….

  15. I didn’t know we had to post to enter the crappy… oops! crap contest. I don’t get to read this stuff till the next day, when all the humor opportunities have been exhausted, used up destroyed, ruined or otherwise rendered useless.

  16. Five years is the age when you begin to loose your teeth.
    To win some new.
    More…let’s say …bity ?

  17. I hear CARS is a commune of hippies high on LSD since the sixties. They all use ubuntu and have never seen, much less used, a Mac. The staff photos are swiped from cheap K-Mart frames. And Moltz means Mad Cow Decease in Hungarian.

    Gratulations, and thanks for all the fish, err, rumours.

  18. *Sniff* Our little CARS has grown up… Look how big and strong it is! And handsome! Oh, those Tech Talkin’ Babes are gonna steal my baby away. Those hussies! Go on CARS, make yer fam’ly proud! *breaks down in a quivering mass of tearful emotion*

  19. If this is where we stand after five years, just think of what this place is gonna look like after ten!

    I can’t wait!

    No, really. I can’t.

  20. I must admit to being a latecomer to the party here at CARS, but in my limited experience here with the sexbots, and ponies, and iPhones has – shuffleshuffleshuffleshuffleZUNE – hey! who moved my box of Kleenex.

    Great stuff, John. I think I’ll hang around for the next five.

  21. Uh John, those weren’t Tic-Tacs, they were pills for my… uh… condition. I just keep them in a Tic-Tac container because my condition is, well, a little embarrassing. You didn’t take any did you? If you did, don’t panic, but if your laurels have become swollen get to a hospital IMMEDIATELY!

    . . .

    Psych! It’s Just me the highly esteemed Yoyo. Congratulations on five great years (well some of them were great).

  22. With all the talk of “roasting” I was expecting an ox (or, at least, a small suckling pig) roasted on a spit over the fire. Sorta like one step up from a barbecue, you know? For those of us who are vegetarians, you could be doing one of those tofu oxen. So I’m somewhat confused here – what happened to the birthday catering?
    Anyway, leaving that aside for the moment – congratulations on the big five! 🙂

  23. P.S. Congrats from a noob!

    I’m gonna go back the very first article and catch up on what I’ve missed.

  24. Heh – I’m almost disappointed. For such a major occasion, I expected Moltz to dump us with some dumb question, and go get wasted with the Entity and gang. 😛 What do I know, instead we get a hilarious write-up, potentially even somewhat based in reality! Heh, Crazy CARS . . .

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