15 Dec 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

I wanted you all to know that the five years that I and the other staff members here have spent working on Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been really special. Your support has been overwhelming – your emails, your comments, your stopping by unannounced at 3:00 AM drunk on peppermint Schnapps – don’t think we haven’t noticed.

But as great as this has all been, it’s also been taxing. The long hours, the relentless pace of Apple rumor coverage, the all-night parties at Schiller’s house with playmates and members of the National Hockey League.

Five years is a long time.

That is why I regret to announce that I am leaving.

This is the end.

Goodbye!

Uh…

Good… bye!

Good…

BYE!

Dammit.

Goodbye!

What the f…

I’m sorry. I was supposed to disappear. This… damn… thing… isn’t… working.

Where the hell is that support phone number?


A: Hello, this is Mordor Support, my name is Snaga. Can I get your name, please?
Q: Uh, John Moltz.
A: And Mr. Moltz, what product can I help you with today?
Q: Well, I bought one of your Rings of Power and it was working for a while, but I was just trying to use it to make myself invisible…
A: Mmm-hmmmm. Invisibility is standard on that model.
Q: …and nothing happened.
A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
Q: What’s “MordorCare”?
A: MordorCare is our extended warranty service program. It extends your normal year-long warranty to an eternity.
Q: Oh. OK. What’s that going to set me back?
A: Well, I will need your eternal, undying fealty to Lord Sauron.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeaaah. Also, you’ll be forced to live in a permanent twilight world, caught somewhere between living and dead.
Q: Geez. That seems like kind of a lot.
A: Mmm.
Q: But… what am I gonna do, right? Ha-ha! I need my Ring of Power!
A: So, would you like to go ahead and purchase MordorCare?
Q: Sure.
A: Great. This will just take a second.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: So, how’s the weather in… Tacoma?
Q: Oh… you know. Gray. It’s winter in the Northwest. How’s the weather where you are?
A: Black.
Q: Oh. Uh… huh.
A: OK, I’ve gone ahead and set you up for MordorCare. Now, just give me a second…
Q: OK.
A: So, I’m going to have you try resetting the Ring.
Q: OK, I did that before…
A: Let’s just give it a try and then I’ve got some other things to try.
Q: OK. OK. So, just take it off…
A: That’s right. Take it off and put it back on.
Q: OK.
A: Is it back on yet?
Q: Yes. It’s back on. Nothing. Still visible.
A: OK. We’re going to try resetting your ERAM.
Q: ERAM?
A: Evil RAM.
Q: I should have gotten that.
A: Take the Ring off and look inside it and you’ll see some characters. Those are words in the Black Speech of Mordor. Read those aloud.
Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
A: OK, now put the Ring back on again.
Q: …
A: Anything?
Q: Just me. Sitting here being not invisible.
A: Hmm. I think we’re going to have to set up an RMA.
Q: Ugh.
A: We’ll ship you a box – it’ll arrive by Nazgul Express – and what you’re going to need to do is put the Ring into the box and call for a pickup. There could be some horrible shrieking so… if you have any horses or dogs…
Q: Well, how long is the repair going to take?
A: I don’t know that, sir. It’s going to depend on what’s wrong with your Ring and the availability of parts.
Q: [sigh] It’s just that… I have this need to disappear…
A: We’ll get it back to you as soon as possible.
Q: OK. OK.
A: I’ve arranged for a Nazgul to fly straight to your home to leave the box. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Q: Uh, no. You’ve been… very helpful.
A: Well, you have a wonderful weekend and I want to thank you for buying a product from Mordor.
Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.
A: Of course. You have a great weekend.
Q: Thanks.


Well, uh…

Looks like we’ll be back next week.

44 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. OverclockedLemon says:

    Putting us all through that completely obvious lie. How could you!

  2. Kallaloo says:

    Not fair! It steals first post from us, precious! We hates it! WE HATES IT FOREVER!

  3. Damn! Back next week. I guess that means I’ve to keep on visiting too! Crap!

  4. Ace Raider says:

    You just finished watching The Return of the King didn’t you?

    Me too.

    and 4th.

  5. Nxxx says:

    Now THAT is a Help Desk.

    Where can I buy a Power Ring?

  6. Huh? says:

    Whoa.

    That was scary.
    Almost more than when my Pants™® decided to go on a trip without telling me.

    Yeah. THAT scary.

  7. Ralph Ellison says:

    Believe me, invisible isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.

  8. ergo says:

    top ten! eight is enough. dick van patently obvious deptive trade practices medicine ball.

    Oh and the ring works best when schlepped onto a hairy footed midget who mopes a lot.

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Now, “incomprehensible” is the one to go for. It always worked for Norm Crosby.

  10. OMGHAX says:

    Ah, I knew the Fed-Ex were really Ringwraiths in disguise!

    Hey, do you guys down in Tacoma still have electricity? Ours was out for almost all of today.

  11. PoisedNoise says:

    Hehe and I just opened up the LoTR DVDs and watched the first half of the Fellowship last night. Better than I remember them being in the cinema tbh.

    Eleventh suckers.

  12. jasonbot says:

    twelfth!

    And is there a Power RIng Pro??? I’d much rather get increased invisibility and the ability to sneak past people without them noticing. And don’t forget the standalone graphics card which could help…somehow.

    Poor Moltz buying the standard version though, silly person!

  13. Disgusted Col Rtd says:

    Mr. Moltz,
    You chose to ignore my advice and as such, the extradition request for your person is being enacted at this very moment.
    Prepare yourself for a dawn appointment.
    Disgusted Col Retd

  14. Huh? says:

    Disgusted Col Rtd, if it would not impose upon you, would you kindly have a video record made of Mr. Moltz’s appointment?

  15. scared monster says:

    I am not interested in being invisible, except moments when I want to sneak into the girls’ dormitory.

    Although I doubt it still exists kind of rooms like ‘girls’ dormitory’ except in low cast movies…

    I am interested in a Ring that could make other people invisible.
    Or just their clothes.
    Yes, that’s it.
    Will that be a feature included in Ring OS X.5 Dragon ?

  16. NWJR says:

    “Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.”

    That’s not a very nice thing to say about your mother.

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    Really…I do love you.

  18. Rip Ragged says:

    I have Microsoft’s version (Magic Finger ’95). It reduces your opacity down to as much as 12%, but can fail occasionally when you’re in pitched battle. It has a startup sound reminiscent of the theme song from The Flying Nun. But I have to keep it because they’re going to give me a discounted update to Magic-Finger Ki-Ro.

    Magic Finger Ki-Ro (shipping early next year) will add features such as:

    The ability to fly
    The strength of a 1000 men
    Invulnerability
    Male enhancement
    A full head of hair
    A lifetime supply of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
    A free set of steak knives

    I can hardly wait.

  19. Sauron says:

    I didn’t get any crap.
    Should’ve given Ol’ Sauron some free crap. Might not have had those problems with the ring. Maybe the firmware updates you were getting for your little ring there wouldn’t have left you with any surprises if you’d just thrown that crap around a little more freely.

  20. Colonel Panic says:

    Hey you! On that flying dragon/pterodactyl thing! Yes, you with the glowing eyes and the hissy breath! Who’d you think I was talking to, that howling dog next door? Get it off my lawn! I’ve told you Nazgûl the last time you were here that I would call the police if you showed up again! You don’t scare me with that … urk … glumph … bkasre … @()(*@$!#

  21. scared monster says:

    Mister Ragged
    I don’t have any use of a head full of hair.
    Mine is already full of crap.

  22. Rip Ragged says:

    Mr. Monster —

    Mine too. Mostly I’m interested in the steak knives.

  23. His Steveness says:

    Will they deliver ponies instead of virgin olive oil?

  24. Louije says:

    So… Did Moltz abandon his soul to Sauron or not ? Because we wanna know, we feel concerned.

  25. Ventzi says:

    You mean Extra Virgin Pony Oil?

    meow

  26. Huh? says:

    Extra Virgin Pony Oil? Is that for the squeaky ponies that haven’t…. well, you know.

  27. Rip Ragged says:

    Actually, that’s for your spare squeaky pony.

    You don’t use extra oil on your main pony. That would just be wrong.

  28. Steve G. says:

    Re: #18

    Wouldn’t the startup sound on the ring defeat the whole purpose of being invisible?

    Though if it has the Wild Eep or Monkey sounds from System 7.x, that would be OK.

    Plus, the sound is useful for when my Sexbot steals the ring. That bitch! Hey, is she using my toothbrush???

    Damn, gotta go…

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    Well, with Magic Finger, you don’t really get invisible. You sort of become innocuous – not terribly noticeable. The startup sound is actually useful in battle. As with all Microsoft SU sounds, it lets people know that nothing is going to happen for a few minutes. Everyone who hears it yawns, stretches, and wanders off in search of coffee.

  30. is says:

    I’m just sort of wondering. What other products does Mordar have? What are they coming out with next? Is there a crazymordarrumors.com site? *checks* No, there is not. I know the week after I get my Ring of Power, they’re going to come out with the Ring Of More Power and I will feel invisibly depreciated.

  31. shawk says:

    Mordar Sexbot?Mordar lesbian ninja sexbot?
    Mordar lesbian ninja sexbot Ultimate Edition?
    I’d hit it.

  32. Ventzi says:

    That’s Mordor boys! Get some education, e.g. read CARS more often.

    meow

  33. Bwark says:

    I have the Mordor sexbot. When ordering, make sure that you specify its orientation. I accidentally got the gay sexbot, and it won’t have anything to do with me.

  34. Rip Ragged says:

    Figgers. I’d trip into a room full of Mordor fanboys. Mordor this and Mordor that. Magic Finger is the industry standard for a reason. It’s what everybody uses. Get with the program. Oh, and by the way… when are you going to open source the invisibility thing?

  35. Huh? says:

    Just remember, there’s only one return, okay, and it’s not ‘of the King’, it’s ‘of the Jedi!’

    Um… gotta run, Jar-Jar’s tryin to use my toothbrush.

  36. Knit Picker says:


    A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
    …..
    Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.

    Purchased or Strangled ?????

    Perhaps the cousin was Jon Moltz, hence the confusion.

  37. Joe #2 says:

    Hmmm, wonder if they’d extend the warranty on my Evil Goat™?

  38. John Moltz says:

    Knit,

    [sigh]

    If you knew your Tolkien, you would know that Gollum first said he had been given the Ring as a gift and it was only later revealed that he killed his cousin.

  39. Ahnyer Keester says:

    John, I think you’re mistaken. That ring is working fine. I have never been able to see you when you write these posts.

    It is working man! Now you’ve lost your soul to Sauron for nothing. Sorry dude. Tell the Urah Kai we said “Hi” and “We love your armor. Sorry about you getting hacked up by hobbits and all.”

  40. Leibnitz, N. says:

    Where’s Mirando Otto when you need her?

    Like now?

  41. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a fecal abrasion says:

    Last Post (so far) !

  42. Joe #2 says:

    There will be more.
    And more
    And more.

    (I should have made them seperate posts, but I was too lazy.

  43. g0rdo says:

    Hey!
    do u guys remember me?
    i used 2 come 2 this website
    then i stopped, who remembers how funny i wuz?

  44. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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