I wanted you all to know that the five years that I and the other staff members here have spent working on Crazy Apple Rumors Site has been really special. Your support has been overwhelming – your emails, your comments, your stopping by unannounced at 3:00 AM drunk on peppermint Schnapps – don’t think we haven’t noticed.
But as great as this has all been, it’s also been taxing. The long hours, the relentless pace of Apple rumor coverage, the all-night parties at Schiller’s house with playmates and members of the National Hockey League.
Five years is a long time.
That is why I regret to announce that I am leaving.
This is the end.
What the f…
I’m sorry. I was supposed to disappear. This… damn… thing… isn’t… working.
Where the hell is that support phone number?
A: Hello, this is Mordor Support, my name is Snaga. Can I get your name, please?
Q: Uh, John Moltz.
A: And Mr. Moltz, what product can I help you with today?
Q: Well, I bought one of your Rings of Power and it was working for a while, but I was just trying to use it to make myself invisible…
A: Mmm-hmmmm. Invisibility is standard on that model.
Q: …and nothing happened.
A: OK, give me just a second here. Well, I see that you purchased your Ring over a year ago so I’m afraid you’re not eligible for free support unless you wanted to purchase MordorCare.
Q: What’s “MordorCare”?
A: MordorCare is our extended warranty service program. It extends your normal year-long warranty to an eternity.
Q: Oh. OK. What’s that going to set me back?
A: Well, I will need your eternal, undying fealty to Lord Sauron.
A: Yeaaah. Also, you’ll be forced to live in a permanent twilight world, caught somewhere between living and dead.
Q: Geez. That seems like kind of a lot.
Q: But… what am I gonna do, right? Ha-ha! I need my Ring of Power!
A: So, would you like to go ahead and purchase MordorCare?
A: Great. This will just take a second.
A: So, how’s the weather in… Tacoma?
Q: Oh… you know. Gray. It’s winter in the Northwest. How’s the weather where you are?
Q: Oh. Uh… huh.
A: OK, I’ve gone ahead and set you up for MordorCare. Now, just give me a second…
A: So, I’m going to have you try resetting the Ring.
Q: OK, I did that before…
A: Let’s just give it a try and then I’ve got some other things to try.
Q: OK. OK. So, just take it off…
A: That’s right. Take it off and put it back on.
A: Is it back on yet?
Q: Yes. It’s back on. Nothing. Still visible.
A: OK. We’re going to try resetting your ERAM.
A: Evil RAM.
Q: I should have gotten that.
A: Take the Ring off and look inside it and you’ll see some characters. Those are words in the Black Speech of Mordor. Read those aloud.
Q: Ash nazg durbatuluk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatuluk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.
A: OK, now put the Ring back on again.
Q: Just me. Sitting here being not invisible.
A: Hmm. I think we’re going to have to set up an RMA.
A: We’ll ship you a box – it’ll arrive by Nazgul Express – and what you’re going to need to do is put the Ring into the box and call for a pickup. There could be some horrible shrieking so… if you have any horses or dogs…
Q: Well, how long is the repair going to take?
A: I don’t know that, sir. It’s going to depend on what’s wrong with your Ring and the availability of parts.
Q: [sigh] It’s just that… I have this need to disappear…
A: We’ll get it back to you as soon as possible.
Q: OK. OK.
A: I’ve arranged for a Nazgul to fly straight to your home to leave the box. Is there anything else I can do for you today?
Q: Uh, no. You’ve been… very helpful.
A: Well, you have a wonderful weekend and I want to thank you for buying a product from Mordor.
Q: Oh, I didn’t buy it. I strangled my cousin to get it.
A: Of course. You have a great weekend.
Looks like we’ll be back next week.