18 Dec 06Apple Rumor Sites Sue Linksys.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Crazy Apple Rumors Site and a consortium of other Apple rumor sites announce today that they are suing Linksys for restraint of trade over the company’s announcement of its new iPhone line of consumer handsets.

“Linksys, in delivering a product with the same name as a widely rumored Apple product, has severely damaged our ability to do business,” said Think Secret’s Nick dePlume.

“Apart from the difficulty in having to clarify that the iPhone we are talking about is not the Linksys iPhone but the widely rumored Apple iPhone, Linksys’ announcement severely damages our credibility by making it appear as if we could have gotten the entire thing wrong.

“Which we may have. I mean, I don’t speak Chinese, for chrissake. Have you tried working with Chinese sources? There’s the language and the time difference and the source building sessions where you have to eat things like chicken feet.

“It’s hard. It’s not like the old days when Apple sources would just walk up to you on the street and hand you a wad of confidential documents.

“Stupid Steve Jobs.”

The consortium is seeking an immediate injunction on the use of the iPhone name and $1.4 billion damages from Linksys.

“That probably sounds like a lot,” said Apple Insider’s Kasper Jade. “But remember that this comes as we’re entering the busy time of year for us – the time leading up to Macworld San Francisco – so the damage is particularly bad. Plus we have a lot of Christmas bills we need to pay off.

“And I’m getting sick of this stupid business and I’d really just like to cash out.”

Crazy Apple Rumors Site editor John Moltz said the consortium might be willing to settle out of court for a lesser amount if Linksys executives agreed to admit that they were “great big poopy heads who smell like the feet of indigent Finnish day laborers.”

“We don’t really get anything out of that,” Moltz said. “I just think it’d be funny.”

45 Responses to “Apple Rumor Sites Sue Linksys.”

  1. Aaron says:

    The amazing thing is that to know this Moltz has to actually read the various news sites.

    Oh, and First!!!1one . I think.

  2. OverclockedLemon says:

    Still haven’t gotten that ring back from tech support, huh, Moltzy? Serves you right for not giving me crap.

  3. John Moltz says:

    Oh, I’ll GIVE you crap!

    Just not t-shirts and stuff.

  4. 2tom says:

    What? No comments yet?

  5. 2tom says:

    Damn. Sorry people. Time difference here in Japan is a bummer.

  6. Too all-beef patty says:

    Top Ten, East Coast time zone. I got out of bed for this? My life is taking a dangerous turn towards meaninglessness.

  7. Rip Ragged says:

    Poopy heads. That sums it up perfectly. You would think they would have said something. It was unethical of them to take all that free publicity.

    I think I’m due a crisp, new, twenty. I mentioned “iPhone” several times in my blog. Somebody may even read it some day. It could happen. I’ll settle for a cold pale ale and a video of Victor Tsao wearing boxers and a beany (with propeller) singing “Who Let the Dogs Out.”

    five

  8. Huh? says:

    Mr. Patty, the fact that ANY of us post here, proves not only a turn towards meaninglessness,
    but shows more of permanant encampment there.

    I kind of like it here myself, what with the sexbots and roller ponies…

  9. OMGHAX says:

    How about we all just pretend the linksys thing didn’t exist? Wait, what didn’t exist?

  10. OMGHAX says:

    Wow, 10th twice in a row! Whaughua!

  11. Disgusted Col Rtd says:

    Mr. Moltz,
    You have not only incurred my wrath, but your uncalled for comment regarding Finnish, has resulted in a joint suit.
    The FBI are determined to extradite you as a wanted felon and are closing in. I shall insist on the precedence of the British court marshal, over Finnish courts.
    In the meantime, may I wish you a very Happy Christmas.
    Disgusted Col Rtd

  12. Ace Deuce says:

    Since Linus Torvalds is an indigent Finnish day laborer, we can expect some Unbuntu mojo and/or juju to be unleashed in response to the insult.

  13. Ventzi says:

    Damn you LinkSys!
    Now I have to find some other christmas presents!

    And yes, poopy heads would do them justice.

    meow

  14. Colonel Panic says:

    Hey! You damn kids get your Linksys iPhone off my lawn! It’s leaving a stain on the grass!

  15. Vegetarian Coward says:

    It’s about time you went after the Fins. Talk about Poppy Heads. Don’t even get me started. They’re nothing compared to the Dutch…what with their windmills and whatnot. Who do they think they are? Energy savers? I mean, come on!

  16. Finnish Day Laborers says:

    Vår føter ikke lukter dårlig.

  17. Ahnyer Keester says:

    What an amazingly bad turn for the now failed Apple company. First they generate a huge buzz by being rumored to be introducing a cell phone, then they sell out before the phone is introduced and then it turns out that the non-existent phone is a complete failure (or would be if it was introduced) and NOW the phone that has yet to be introduced got scooped by another company. Or. At least the name of that phone did. And on top of that the failed Apple company is now being sued by people who make a living by propagating half truths and innuendo.

    Oh, and David Pogue says that Vista is not a total rip off of OS X. And the Zune got its first firmware update making it now 1,000x better than the iPod, a 64% increase of its betterness.

    These facts, coupled with Apple’s recent (okay, now-somewhat-less-than-recent) move to the Intel architecture prove that Rob Enderle has been right all along and Apple is on the verge of collapse.

    Steve Jobs drove Apple into the ground.

  18. DimBulb says:

    I protest! The Finnish Day Laborers in #17 are writing in Norwegian!

    Hauska Joulua, y’all!

  19. Del says:

    My question is does the Linksys iPhone come in brown? I’ve been feeling the need lately to buy more brown tech. I think this has something to do with being denied crap in the crap give away.

    Do you know what this means? Moltz, you turned me into a Zune user.

    *sob*

    AAGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

    I can’t take it anymore.
    What a world what a world….

  20. Nxxx says:

    Never mind Del, the good Colonel will reign and the dastardly Moltz will be just a memory. An unpleasant one but you will be avenged.

    Now stop crying or I’ll give you a clout you’ll never forget.

    That’s practical psychiatry, that is.

  21. Too all-beef patty says:

    Finnish day-laborers are not available to the public, but are expected to be released next Tuesday.

    They will be available only in white.

    You heard it here first.

  22. Anomynous says:

    From what I hear, Finnish day-laborers can be found in front of any Home Depot in Sweden or Norway.

  23. Chris says:

    In Finland, is iSync called “iSynki”?

  24. Finnish Day Laborers says:

    Hey! You try finding an English-to-Finnish traslator! Er, um…

    “Bisky borg de borg borg…”

  25. John Moltz says:

    In Finland, day laborer work for six months at a time!

    Ha-ha! Is funny!

    The sun, she no go down!

  26. Whahappen? says:

    One time I accidentally set my system lanuguage to Finnish (seriously) and was completly convinced I had the first-ever Mac OS meltdown. Everything was spelled using at least 93.7% vowels and randomly assigned accent marks. Scared the crap out of me for 2 days before i figured it out by clicking on “Faaeosuiishooaateee” under the “Aaoogooifeyuuinaee” menu.

  27. Streetrabbit says:

    Can you believe Crazy Linksys Rumors Site slept through this one?

    Buncha loser rumor site losers.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    The most important things I noted after the announcement of the iPhone by Linksys instead of Apple is that the earth is now 93 milliion miles from the sun, and all naturally occurring free Hydrogen is diatomic at standard atmospheric pressure.

    If you stacked up all the Zunes sold in America on top of each other, you wouldn’t be able to reach the top without a step-ladder unless you’re over 6 feet tall; then you could probably do it if you stood on you tippy toes.

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    When I said “five,” I really meant “seven.” Five is my code for seven. Because I get up before “five” and I have to be to work at “seven.” Also, there were seven dwarves and five easy pieces. See the connection?

    Dammit. I ordered soup.

  30. Too all-beef patty says:

    Mr. Moltz,

    The Finnish day-laborer sounds more like Pablo Ernesto talking about the broken convertible top of his low-rider. Or his girlfriend.

    Does ‘day-laborer’ have a hyphen?

    And Mr. Ragged, Is ‘hydrogen’ supposed to be capitalized? If ‘step-ladder’ has a hyphen, why not ‘tippy-toes’?

    And who stole the ‘n’ from the ‘English-to-Finish’ translator?

  31. NWJR says:

    For ripping off CARS, LinkSys will now be referred to as “beleagured”.

    Or however it’s spelled.

    I’m too lazy to check.

    Kirk out…

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    I’ve Decided to randomly capitalize Words based on idle whim, Caprice (Classic) and fancy.

    Tippy-toes is probably more correct, although, to be strictly accurate, I don’t care. I thought Finnish Day Laborer was a Union with heavy membership in North Dakota and Minnesota. Is Union supposed to be Capitalized, or are they under-capitalized. Is under-capitalized supposed to be hyphenated or hydrogenated. Can I have a volunteer from the audience? Have we ever met before?

    Let me have three of those ones in the plaid boxes, please.

  33. Rip Ragged says:

    ??

    Somebody cut and paste these in above, please.

  34. Me is me says:

    Isn’t it cisco who made the phone and not linksys? Am I missing the joke?

  35. oliverTwist says:

    just a silly question How comes all these rumour sites did not know that the “iPhone” name was owned by someone else than Apple? I keep reading about names being registered by Apple and what it may mean in term of future product, and all these brilliant rumour-guys failed to notice taht Apple did not own the the “iPhone” name.
    Wait, it’s not a silly question, I’ve got the answer! They KNEW. It was a plot to make hype for LINA’s “iPhone” (LINA stands for L*** is not Apple). Some people must have been secretly working for that-other-company-whose-name-I-don’t-remember-and-don’t-want-to. Let them beware ! They will be found, duly prosecuted, lynched by Mac-fans and forced to go in a public place with a zune and to look for people to share music with through wi-fi (not necessarily in that order).

  36. skip says:

    how stupid are u to sue a company because it didn’t make your rumor true ?
    What if Apple never had the willing to create an “iphone” ? You would have sued them for not releasing a product you wanted them to release ?

  37. Stephane says:

    Skip : tss, tss, tss : you should offer a reward so someone would give it back to you… When did you loose your sense of humour ?

  38. Wesley says:

    Apparently, skip isn’t the only one who lost the sense of humour.
    http://www.hardmac.com/news/2006-12-20/#6247

    Oh, those crazy French folks… 🙂

  39. Anonymous says:

    u are simply ridiculous.

  40. A frenchie says:

    Wesley,

    unfortunately the bad translator @ HardMac completely screwed the original meaning of what Lionel wrote. In the original french @ MacBidouille, it is 100% clear to Lionel that all of this is just a joke. And I don’t know why Linathael (the translator) found it useful to add ‘thank god we’re not part of them’, as there’s absolutely no mention of that in the original.

  41. Rip Ragged says:

    Now I’m mad. Who do they think they are anyway? It just isn’t fair. Before you know it they’ll be keeping out ballerinas, tappers, and ballroom dancers in general. I’m going to write a letter to my senator. This is clearly a violation of my first or second amendment rights, or possibly the Smoot-Hawley Act. Wait. Bloggers? Oh. I thought we were talking about cloggers.

    I want the AARP discount.

    Thank you.

  42. Maxipeg says:

    Funny joke. Hehehe… anybody (except for the rumor website gurus) believes serioulsy that Apple would have used the name “iPhone” anyway? After all this buzz? Maybe all this just means that the new Apple phone HAS now a name and is perhaps in some stage of production…

  43. Rip Ragged says:

    Repost….from the last thread where I wrongly put it the first time. Because frankly, even though I almost never end a sentence with a preposition, I’m not all that swift.

    Now I’m mad. Who do they think they are anyway? It just isn’t fair. Before you know it they’ll be keeping out ballerinas, tappers, and ballroom dancers in general. I’m going to write a letter to my senator. This is clearly a violation of my first or second amendment rights, or possibly the Smoot-Hawley Act. Wait. Bloggers? Oh. I thought we were talking about cloggers.

    I want the AARP discount.

    Thank you.

  44. Rip Ragged says:

    I can’t believe I did that twice.

    Where are my Reading glasses. I have my Short Line, Pennsylvania, and B&O glasses. If I find the other ones I can charge $200 a pop.

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