09 Jan 07Post-Keynote Keynote Live Blog!

After a long, sweaty wait without any refreshments or lounge chairs (c’mon, Apple!), we’re in! I think I made John Gruber angry in the line. I pointed at him from across the way and he gave me a “What the hell are you looking at?” face.

Sooooo like a Yankee fan…

It’s 9:01 and the Apple Store is down!

Oh, wait, I just can’t get a connection. Sorry. My bad.

I bet I could get a connection if I had an Apple Phone. I hear those are going to be wicked boss.

Wait a second.

Nope. Just checked under my chair. No Apple phone. I thought maybe we’d all get free Apple Phones. Nope.

Just some crappy tablet device.

Huh.

Suppose that’s kind of cool. Pen-based input. I dunno.

I was expecting a phone.

Oh, no. It’s 9:11 and Steve hasn’t taken the stage yet!

Oh, my god, Steve Jobs has been fired!

AAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAH!

NOOOOOOOO!

Oh, no, wait, they’re just starting late.

The lights are dimming! James Brown is done!

Steve!

Jobs!

Jeans!

Turtleneck!

Technology!

Whiskey!

Sexy!

Steve’s touting the switch to Intel.

Oooh, Steve burns Jim Alchin as he rightly should be burned.

New Mac guy ad for Vista! With a butt joke!

And, uh, he’s done with the Mac for the day.

Wow.

I’m literally holding onto my seat. It’s really hard to type like this but I’m afraid I’m just going to go flying out of my chair because of the awesomeness.

iPod. Sexy. iTunes. Over 2 billion songs.

1.2 million in 2006, twice 2005. 5 million songs a day.

But, Steve…

iTunes sales are down. I read it somewhere.

Well, he can’t hear me.

iTunes has passed Amazon. 50 million TV shows sold. 1.3 million movies sold.

And all that without selling a lick of porn.

And who doesn’t like a nice lick of porn?

Paramount is joining iTunes! Exclamation mark! Steve said they have “all 6 Star Trek movies.”

All six?

Actually, you know what? That’s fine.

Steve burns the Zune. Literally.

New iPod ad. And a variant. I missed the first one trying to type with my nose so I’m not sure what the difference is.

Apple TV! Apple logo, small “tv”. There should be an exclamation mark. And an ampersand. Ampersands are awesome.

720p HD video. 40 GB hard drive. 802.11 b+g+n! AND L! That’s lesbian wifi.

You can autosync from one PC and stream from up to 5. He’s streaming the trailer for the Good Sheperd, but I gotta tell you, on a 40-foot screen…

…it looks a little pixellated.

So, if you have a 40-foot screen at home…

He’s showing music on the Apple tv and the first album that floats by is Sgt. Pepper.

WHA!

Oh, holy crap, I just noticed I’m sitting next to Ringo.

PHIL! Phil comes on to play the part of Steve’s neighbor coming over with his MacBook to stream some stuff to Steve’s Apple tv. I love the image of this fantasy neighborhood where Steve lives next to Phil. Tim Cook lives next to him. They wave at each other every morning when they get the paper…

Taking orders today! $299! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

DRAMATIC PAUSE.

3 new products!

Whaaaaa! [clunk]

Oh, crap, I fell out of my chair.

Widescreen iPod!

Mobile phone!

Internet communications device!

Technology!

Whiskey!

Sexy!

And they’re all the same device!

Ah, Steve has a little fun at our expense. He put up a picture of an original iPod with a rotary dial.

Ha-ha. Just leave the jokes to the professionals, Mr. Funny Pants.

iPhone will be smart and easy to use. Revolutionary user interface using a pointer we’re all born with! Apple is introducing butt-control!

Oh, he’s talking about the finger.

iPhone runs OS X.

Whaaaaa! [clunk]

Ah, crap, I fell out of my chair again.

iPhone syncs through iTunes. 160 ppi screen. And only one button! Hey, I was right! 2 megapixel camera. Proximity sensor. Killer laser beams. Nuclear attack mode! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

“You can touch your music.”

What if I want to grope my music? Can I do that?

Another Beatles reference.

Can I just make an aside that this is so fucking awesome I can’t even believe it?

“The killer app is making calls.”

Really? I thought it was playing crappy little games. Like Squix or whatever the fuck that’s called.

Quad-band GSM + EDGE.

Whatever those are.

Steve calls Jonathan Ive and then Schiller calls and gets conferenced in.

All in the magical, wonderful neighborhood of Apple executives.

Won’t you be my?

Would you be my?

Won’t you be…

…my Apple executive neighbor?

Random access voice mail.

Internet communication device. Rich HTML email. Safari. Google Maps. Widgets! Wi-Fi! EDGE! Technology! Whiskey! Sexy!

Some sushi restaurant just got a hang-up from Steve jobs. “Hello?! Hello?! STEVE?!”

These guys are awfully hung up on this dinner they’re having.

Now he’s doing Safari. Opened the NY Times page which looks really small…

C’mon.

Pinch it.

Pinch it.

Pinch it!

Oh, YEAH! THAT’S WHAT I’M TALKIN’ ‘BOUT, BABY!

He pinched it.

Google Maps. Oh, holy crap Steve just crank called the Starbucks next door.

Now he’s showing the Eiffel Tower and switching from the map to satellite mode.

You know, suddenly I get the feeling I’m in a James Bond movie and the evil genius is revealing his plan.

“And now I’ll show you where I placed the bombs, Mr Bond…”

Google CEO Dr. Eric Schmidt takes the stage.

In a jean shirt with a tie.

What the fuck is that?

“Could computers… XML… blah blah…”

Jerry Yang, co-founder and chief of Yahoo!

“Search… aggregated… blah blah…”

In short, it’s internet in your pants.

Accessories!

Headphones with a microphone. Teeny Bluetooth headset!

Technology!

Whiskey!

S…

Ah, you know the rest.

4GB – $499. 8GB – $599.

Shipping in June.

I wonder if there was a way for him to announce those two things before he announced the product.

Cingular to be the exclusive partner in the U.S.

Cingular CEO Stan Sigman.

“You exceeded my expectations.”

Dude, no offense, but just looking at you, it doesn’t look that hard.

Also, I use your service, so…

And he’s talking.

And talking.

Actually, he’s reading from cards.

Holy crap.

Someone get the tranquilizer gun. I don’t think this guy is going to stop.

Oh, thank god.

OK, Steve’s back. And, he’s having a clicker malfunction. He quickly fills in with a story about him and Woz. What a champ.

Steve’s thanking all people who worked on the iPhone and all the families. Hey, Steve’s really chocked up. That’s really sweet.

Dude…

You’re not leaving.

You can’t leave us.

Don’t ever leave us.

Not that we’re needy or anything…

Just…

Don’t leave.

We keep on waitin’…

Waitin’ on the world to change…

OK, he’s not leaving.

Cool.

No Responses to “Post-Keynote Keynote Live Blog!”

  1. too all-beef patty says:

    Having read all 380,000 comments and articles regarding the iPhone, let me explain the overall public feeling. I’m sorry, there’s not enough time to explain: I will sum up.

    1. The screen is too big, it hurts my eyes.
    2.
    3. It doesn’t roast vegetables, at least not in aluminum foil.
    4. I don’t need a cell phone. I need a back rub.

    (#2 is deliberately left blank.)

  2. Huh? says:

    Good, bad, or indifferent- I’m just happy for what the iPhone is doing to my Apple stock.
    It really… um just a sec

    WILL YOU TWO CUT THAT OUT!!! GET OFF OF HER RIGHT NOW!!! AND KEEP YOUR MULTITOUCH SCREEN TO YOURSELF!
    I DON”T CARE WHO STARTED IT!! I’M STOPPING IT

    Sorry. What was I saying….

  3. Squished Squirrel says:

    Steve is all chocked up? Yank out them chocks and let him fly! He’s not worth anything to us stuck on the runway.

  4. Rip Ragged says:

    I agree with TABP.

    Where was the chicken baster attachment? The off-road package? Can you get it complete with a 4-day tour of Napa Valley wineries? Can it squirt songs? Can you shuffle it like those disembodied hands do with the Blackjack? Does it even come with disembodied hands? Wait a minute…. I’m not sure I like the direction this is going. My new Mac|Life is here. I think I’ll go read the | thing.

    What is that blinking?

  5. Rip Ragged says:

    Chris. Nice to see you. The Valium is in the medicine cabinet. Help yourself.

    TABP, stop poking him with the stick for a while. See if that helps.

  6. Step says:

    Best.
    Live.
    Keynote.
    EVAR!!!

    (plus. most. overused. blog. expression.)

    ((There. I’m. Done. Now.))

  7. Step says:

    errr, I actually meant this is the best live post-keynote blog I’ve seen this year, and quite possibly any year! of course, John did have good starting material to work with, but still . . .

    And the fact that there is now an actual fact to be found on CARS is perhaps the most mind-boggling part. 😛

  8. Too all-beef patty says:

    Rip – Chris didn’t stop writing UNTIL I poked him with the stick.

    A good shot right between the asterisks and he signed off. *|*

    You’re welcome.

  9. Rip Ragged says:

    There’s something about a | between the * * that just takes the wind out of your sails.

    Big doings yesterday. Richard Nixon’s Birthday. National Apricot Day. Something about a phone in San Francisco. I made chili for dinner.

    Do something about that smell.

  10. […] Crazy Apple Rumor’s Post Keynote Live Blog. January 12, 2007, 7:29 am o’clock […]

  11. Please disregard the rumor that Apple is trying to acquire the Sarcastic Idiocy Forum. This property is much too valuable and cutting edge to ever survive in under the corporate thumb of Apple.

    http://www.thesif.net/SIF/index.php?

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