22 Jan 07Apple Community Hails Improvement in Quality of Technology Industry Discourse.

In an event that has been hailed throughout the Apple community, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer, technology columnist John Dvorak and Rob Enderle [EDITOR’S NOTE: Whatever he is. He can’t be a consultant, right? I mean who would pay for that? Fish? Is he a fish? What the hell is he? Beats the hell out of me. I know “mammal” isn’t right. Let’s just say he’s a fish.] have all somehow managed to get their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe in North Dakota.

Farmer Randall McKay witnessed the event and recounted it while standing a safe distance away from the scene, his breath fogging in the cold air.

“I seen Enderle there walk by first. He seemed headed straight across the field at first but then saw the spigot I use ta do the waterin’. Not sure why he decided ta lick it. No explanin’ a technology jerk.”

McKay said Ballmer stumbled by next and became likewise ensnared and was followed shortly thereafter by Dvorak.

“I meant ta take that pipe outta there,” said McKay, “after one o’ Jedd Clawson’s cows got stuck ta it last year. Ya never heard so much painful mooin’. Well, until now, a-course.”

Despite the bizarre sight of three big names in the technology world mooing woefully, their tongues stuck to a cold metal pipe, McKay took it in stride.

“Not a lot o’ people know this, but this is where technology jerks come from. And they always come back, usually to breed. Or, in the case o’ Enderle there, to spawn. They don’t come to do that until spring a-course when the trophy wives are in heat, but sometimes the vast open prairie beckons them with its siren’s song.

“Or, other times city folk’ll drive ’em out here and just shove ’em outta the car.”

Sheriff and animal control warden Dave Rohrbacker arrived to assess the situation.

“Clearly we’re not dealing with bright animals, here,” said Rohrbacker.

“We could just rip them off the pipe, but there’s nothing more dangerous than a wounded technology jerk.

“Except, of course, for a bear. Or a badger. Or a… poodle. Or… well, OK, there’s a lot of things more dangerous. But few more annoying.

“It’s a pity, but we might have to euthanize them.”

Rohrbacker headed back to his patrol car, which sported a sticker that read “NDMUG”, to get his shotgun.

38 Responses to “Apple Community Hails Improvement in Quality of Technology Industry Discourse.”

  1. Dreil says:

    Second….darn you newsfire!!

  2. Dreil says:

    I dont know if euthanizing them will fix it…these technology guys have a way of coming back from the dead.

    Maybe a silver bullet?

  3. Carbonfish says:

    THREE! Oh please don’t make me be FOUR!

  4. Dreil says:


    You use NewsFire too?

  5. Magnanimous Wang says:


  6. Magnanimous Wang says:

    that’s what I get for idling….


  7. John Moltz says:

    I AM?! Oh, my god, that means I’m also schizophrenic! I could have sworn I met him at Macworld!


  8. Carbonfish says:

    Nope. I do it the old fashioned way. Leave a tab open, keep a finger on the reload button, and stay ready to POUNCE

  9. Rip Ragged says:

    Dang. All them big words. I could have been fourth. Or maybe fifth.

    A fifth. Yeah.

    We’re out of croutons. Just crumble up some peanut brittle and pork rinds. Same thing.

  10. vitamin fortified says:

    Dozen or Bakers’ dozen if I am slow.

    Mighty nice of the sheriff to use a rifle. Was thinking those clubs used for baby seals maybe have been more appropriate. Of course not for baby seals, they are precious creatures of the Earth. But technology jerks- I don’t even PETA would raise an eyebrow.

    Does Wild Irish Rose go with salmon pate?

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    Let’s get out there and pants ’em!

  12. OMGHAX says:

    Dunno if a regular silver bullet would do it. Maybe a silver .50 BMG.

    Naw, that’s animal cruelty. Maybe play some tapes of their own keynotes, bore ’em to death. At least they would go quiet.

  13. Huh? says:

    My Pants™ suggest we should just let them go, and wait until spring for the thaw.
    Probably not a half bad idea.

    The cows are getting restless. We should take the electric guitars away from the badgers now.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    Rob Enderle: Creature from the Black Spittoon.

  15. Dimi-tree says:

    F*ck you guys are fast. Do you have no lives?? You just sit around here, and wait for a new post?

    (Let me be the first for once!)

  16. Nxxx says:

    Moltz, this posting is totally unsuitable for vegetarians, yet there was no warning.

    See you in court and I shall never post here again,

    well not until our European Wednesday.

  17. Jeffrey says:

    Thurrott put ’em up to it. Least that’s what I heard.

  18. J0n says:

    So, is the name of this site going to be changed to “Crazy Apple Non-Sequiturs” (CANS)?

    Did anyone notice if there was any galactic pie left?

  19. J0n says:

    By the way, I believe the proper term for Rob Enderle is “ass clown.”

  20. Vegetarian Coward says:

    I’m offended by the baby seal comment. There was no mention of spikes on the clubs.

    I ate the last piece of galactic pie. Tasted like fish.

  21. Joe #2 says:

    If the name was changed we could all join in saying “That’s a nice set of CANS you got there!”

    I say you pour boiling water on the pipe, it’ll solve the tongue being stuck problem.

  22. J0n says:

    Boiling oil would work, too.

    Since the galactic pie is all gone, what about cheesecake? Was there any left? (I’m in the mood for dessert.)

  23. vitamin fortified says:

    Out of cheesecake too. But I think there are two doughnuts left- one with sprinkles.

    I like mine sunny side sideways- hold the cabbage

  24. Steve G. says:

    I think it should stay CARS, only for the fact that if I’m reading this at home and laughing and the wife asks what I’m laughing at and say “CARS”, she won’t get curious. If I say “CANS”, she might think it’s porn.

    Club Baby Seals – where all the cool ones hang out.

    There’s some cherry cheesecake in the freezer. Let me know if you want a slice.

  25. Ahnyer Keester says:


    Yea, I joined the choir. So?

  26. Spam says:


    The technical term is multiple personality, schizophrenic type. Schizophrenia is not having more than one personality. Multiple personality is a sub group of schizophrenia. Only about one in a hundred thousand schizos has two personalities.

    Congratulations on being that one in a hundred thousand. We all knew you were uniqe.

  27. J0n says:

    Steve G., yes, I’d like a slice of the cherry cheesecake, thanks. Do we have whipped cream for topping?

    Maybe we could freeze Ballmer, Dvorak, and Enderle, then put them in cryogenic storage, and a few thousand years from now, people could throw them out with the leftovers from the party.

  28. Midnightbrewer says:

    Well,except for the prerequisite nausea and contempt when confronted by the likes of Ballmer and Enderle (Dvorak amuses me sufficiently on This Week in Tech to be more tolerable than he used to be), I have to say that they all have points (well, except for Enderle, who’s just an unmitigated ass.) The phone is really damned expensive, it doesn’t give me the wide-screen iPod upgrade I need, and its existence delays the release of the “real” new iPod. Also, since I’m in Japan, the phone is less than useless to me, not to mention that a two-year price tag of $3,000 just for bragging rights doesn’t do it for me. Give me the iPhone without the “phone” part, and I’d be all over it. Oh, and about 30GB more memory so that I can actually put movies on the thing.

    In the meantime, $3,000 can buy me a damn sweet MacBook Pro, and my DoCoMo cell phone already has all the features of the iPhone (minus the touch screen), supports international roaming, and is 3G compatible to boot. That, and using it is a heck of a lot cheaper, especially email. I want a phone for my phone, and an iPod for my iPod. I don’t want the approval of the likes of Cingular to be a requirement to upgrade my music player!

  29. Major Flatus says:

    Euthanize? Too good for ’em. I say MALthanize them!

  30. Rip Ragged says:

    Yeah. Oh, no. Wait. I already use Cingular or AT&T or whatever-the-hell it is. The iPhone will cost me whatever the price of the phone is. I already have an iPod that has all of my Ray Conniff, Christy Minstrels, and Buck Owens albums on it. So all I want is the bitchinest handset on the planet. Yup. I’m getting one.

    I like that old time rock and roll. Warm biscuits and filet of sole.

  31. Steve G. says:

    Re: #29

    It’s the last slice. You’ll have to pick it up; I can’t e-mail it. And I think the whipped cream has past its expiration date.

    There’s definitely not enough room in my freezer for three assclowns. Probably not enough room for one. Unless we cut him up real small…

  32. Steve G. says:

    Oops. Shoulda been “passed”. Somebody got an edit button?

  33. Rip Ragged says:

    Hey, we could freeze them down at Baskin-Robbins.

    A big vat of plain vanilla asscream.

    Try the Milk Duds casserole. It’s great with a little mayo.

  34. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    Steve-o should give the State of the Union address. I’m sure he has a solution to the war in iRaq.

  35. Maladroit says:

    Actually, he’s sueing iRaq for trademark infringement. Besides, if iRaq has to change its name, the war in iRaq would technically be over.

  36. monkeys says: