23 Jan 07Apple Announces iPhone Follow-Up Product.

The first follow-up product to the not-yet-shipping iPhone was announced in a surprise special Apple presentation today in Cupertino.

“The iDream will provide 1000 hours of full-motion, 7.1 Dolby surround dreams with the quality you expect from Apple, Pixar, and Disney,” CEO Steve Jobs said.

Furthering their success in making Mac OS X into an embedded operating system that can run a mobile phone, a wireless base station, and a media translation system, iDream ports the OS X into neurochemical structures in the human nervous system that mimic computer processors.

“With iDream, we have fulfilled our vision of bringing the best experience, with 7.1 Dolby surround sound, to the true center of our digital lives: the brain,” said Jobs.

Jobs detailed his long-held belief that the human brain provides a substandard user experience and that Apple was uniquely positioned to take a leadership position in this highly fractured market.

“Each person has his own unique human experience,” Jobs noted. “That’s incredibly inefficient.”

He then closed his eyes for 10 seconds, opened them, and said, “Boom. There. I was just in Maui with Jennifer fricking Connelly. It was awesome. And now everyone can have the same experience.”

The iDream uses the wetware capacity of the brain to store up to 75 petabytes of information using the holographic, standing-wave structure of neuronic activity. Additional storage may be obtained by using the new BUID disk format to repartition a brain to store fewer unnecessary or unwanted memories – like that time you asked Kim Karcher if she wanted to go to the 9th grade dance and she laughed so hard Crystal Pepsi came out her nose – and by using thorough compression.

Jobs mentioned the movie Johnny Mnemonic as an example of this methodology, but no one in the audience would admit to having seen it, although several shuffled uncomfortably in their seats.

Apple expects to deliver iDream as a rapid-fire series of frightening images, static, and JavaScript via any WebKit-based browser and possibly later in the form of a red pill.

34 Responses to “Apple Announces iPhone Follow-Up Product.”

  1. RiverRat says:

    Hey I get to be number 1.

  2. Carbonfish says:

    ONE is the loneliest number that you’ll ever do…

  3. Carbonfish says:

    Two can be as bad as one, so I’ll be THREE too!

  4. Redeyebase says:

    2nd !

  5. Redeyebase says:

    Bahumbug .4

  6. RiverRat says:

    I rather be 69ing but I will take number one for now.

  7. 7th heaven.

    Now will iDream be in color or will that be a Rev. B upgrade?

    Does this tutu look better with stilettos or sandals?

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    Can I make a late comment on the last article? Yes? Thanks.

    Look at Enderle’s Wikipedia page. It’s true. He did get his tongue stuck on a pipe.

  9. jurgen says:

    Shamelessly stolen from “Until the End of the World”.

  10. John Moltz says:

    Actually, I’ve never seen that. Maybe one of the other staff members has.

  11. Rip Ragged says:

    Wait. Don’t tell me. Let me guess. The music at the announcement was provided by R.E.M.

    Rinse that off.

  12. John Moltz says:

    And, besides, this is really more stolen from an Apple press release about the iDream than anything else.

    I mean, c’mon. It’s not even a rumor. I feel so cheap. It’s like we’re all MacNN all of a sudden instead of MacOSRumors.

  13. Huh? says:

    Just so long as MS doesn’t try to rip it off. Can you imagine the realistic nightmares?
    My Pants™ don’t like it. No, sir!

    Those sandals and that tutu look horrific together.

    Is that my ham sammich walking away?

  14. moksha says:

    You misspelled “thorough” in thorough compression.

  15. Rip Ragged says:

    Y’know, if Microsoft does steal it, the blue screen of death could get a lot uglier.

    You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time. That should be enough to get you into Congress.

  16. Thanks Huh?. The stilettos it is. Just want to be ready for the next iDream.

    Now does the sexbot option mean iWetDreams?

    Never buy a car from a squirrel with a lisp.

  17. OMGHAX says:

    Aiiee! It’s Max Headroom in my head!

    Drink Coca Cola!

  18. OMGHAX says:

    As american as  ∏! Hahahahaha! Get it?

  19. Streetrabbit says:

    That’s the quickest I’ve ever seen vandalism reverted.

    Fess up…who’s the Wikipedia moderator?

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Red pill? You mean for the charity version?

  21. Nxxx says:

    Isn’t Steve risking more legal action against Apple?
    There is the song “iDream of Jeanie with the light brown hair.”

  22. Streetrabbit says:

    I thought the risk might be from the brainless. Those queueing at midnight to pick up Vista for example.

  23. Chris says:

    The MS version of this would be produced by “those people who should not be mentioned”, and free will would now only be within the parameters that are set for you. Free speech is now limited to those speeches that are downloaded into your brain daily.

    And on the Apple version, can you imagine a kernel panic? And exactly how would you be “rebooted”? And I am sure that Steve will want to take that whole “form or function” thing to a new level. So if you have the iDream installed, and you are a man, you can no longer urinate in a fully upright position. You must now be seated, because that is a more elegant user interface.

    That being said, if I can have a dream of 2, pre skank, 18 year old Brittany Spears have hot lesbian sex with each other, it might just be worth the risk.

    Baby…hit me one more time!

    1 pill, 2 pill, Red Pill, Blue Pill.

    The Oakland Raiders new Coaching Hire will be from High School. Not a High School coach, but an actually guy from high school, the team manager guy who just carried all of the teams stuff around. Not that I am bitter or anything. I Just wish that Jobs would buy the team, and make them a more interesting team.

    Anyway, the word of caution today is, never attempt to repelled angry mobs of cod, with rotten eggs and talking pomegranates. Unless of course you have large stocks of cod liver oil capsuals for the repealling guns, then you might stand a chance.

    Time for bed now… so GOOD NIGHT NOW!

  24. Joe #2 says:

    Would we have messages delievered through this?
    I can’t imagine it would be good to have my dream of Jennifer freaking Connolly disturbed by an Evil Goat™.

  25. John Moltz says:

    Ah, so it’s Henry David Thoreau compression. Got it.

  26. NWJR says:

    I’m waiting for the iWetDream.

  27. UhhhDude says:

    With an iDream, I can finally dream of electric sheep!

    (That’s a book reference, you perverts.)

  28. Will there be a WiFi upgrade so we can have iDayDreams as we go past hotspots? But would that interfere with thoughts about Jennifer Freaking Connolly.

    And put that goat down, it doesn’t know where you have been.

  29. Walking Contradiction says:

    oh no …

    You’re doing it to me again …

    Jennifer …
    Freaking ….
    Connolly!!!

    Oh god, yes … aaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    Anyone got a smoke?

    I can’t control myself now, what am I supposed to do with an iWetDream? Lock myself in my bedroom for the rest of my life, or get arrested for indecent acts in public?

  30. Major Flatus says:

    System Preferences –> Network. Select the Neural tab.
    Scroll down, between cortex and pons. Select Amygdala.
    Just for fun, choose the Eros radio button, and note some of the choices in the resulting dialog box.
    Flip vertical sounds fun. Manual activation sounds boring. I’ll stick with the default port assignment for now.
    Has anyone clicked on the Advanced button yet?

  31. vitamin fortified says:

    I think the Advance button is reserved for those who have entered their Pilates or Yoga membership validation.

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