08 Feb 07Apple Buys Norway.

Frustrated in its attempts to defuse the legal struggle with Norway over opening its FairPlay digital rights management system, Apple purchased the entire country today from King Harald V for cash and stock.

Apple took immediate possession of the Scandinavian country and reversed its position on the legality of iTunes. CEO Steve Jobs then issued a statement to its citizens.

“To the Norwegian people I would say this. I know you are a proud people… headstrong… steadfast… and that you have a strong sense of your own nationality. Naturally, you will be somewhat skeptical of my rule.

“That’s why you’re all fired.

“That’s right,” Jobs continued, speaking through an interpreter, “Pack your things and get out of my country by noon tomorrow. There’s really only room for one proud and headstrong person in this relationship. And lord knows I’ve tried to change…

“Well, not really, but…”

Jobs indicated that in order to keep Norway a vibrant tourist destination, the country would be populated by animatronic characters made by the Disney Corporation.

“We’ve already got a bunch of those Scandinavian kids in ‘It’s A Small World’,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger. “And I think the adults just look like blonde pirates, right?

“Well, whatever. We’re using pirates. We’ve got a crapload of pirates lying around.”

Apple is reportedly also looking into purchasing the Netherlands, Sweden, Finland and France, if anyone knows how it can get a good deal on them.

42 Responses to “Apple Buys Norway.”

  1. Rip Ragged says:

    That’s what I get for reading the post.

    I’m such a gullible schlump sometimes.

    Pinguidity.

  2. jrc says:

    Norge, Norge, det är ett ruttet land.

    Norge, norge, ett jävla rövarband.

    Norrmän, norrmän, dom fiskar dålig torsk.

    Så om du ser en slisk

    och han stinker rutten fisk

    är han utan tvivel norsk…

  3. Huh? says:

    Cool!

    I need to see if they want any of my iPrairieDogs. They’d be great over there…

    What was that about fish?

    Oh, watch out for the greasy spot over there.

  4. odin says:

    I knew my degree in animitronic repair would pay off.

  5. Brent A says:

    First ever top 10!

  6. redeyebase says:

    GR8 !

  7. norwegian guy says:

    Sweet move!

    But King Harald V doesn’t own my house, so I’d like som stock too (before i go)!

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    Norge? Does that mean that Vista will now not run on a virtual washing machine?

    I should read this stuff more carefully.

    Some more Oreo pilaf?

  9. Another Norwegian Guy says:

    First: Even if you read Swedish, don’t listen to jrc. He’s just envious. 😉

    Second: Norwegian guy says it, really: Where is _my_ stock?

    Third: His Steveness had better cash up, too. The Norwegian Oil Fund is currently worth some 3-400 billion US$, I think. (So there, jrc! 😉 He ain’t getting that for free – no way, Norway.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Wait, Johnny Depp is an animatronic character?

    That explains his wooden performances in “Pirates of the Lofoten Islands,” and “Vikings of the Fjordlands.”

  11. Evan says:

    ugh. its bob iger, not michael eisner.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Sweet! Now we own Jon Lech Johansen we can get that commie suckers ass working for the man.

  13. Passopp says:

    Steve, if you love Lutefisk, you made a good deal!

  14. Nxxx says:

    You’ve picked on the wrong ones this time Jobs.

    Great resistance movement during WW2 despite Quisling. Before that, founder members of the Vikings.

    Rub them up the wrong way and they are really mean sons of bitches, unless you’re into rape and pillage.

  15. Mark says:

    those are steves middle names.

  16. nepse ertsev says:

    A Few Years Later:

    Cupertino, Oslo (AP): In a surprise move, Apple Inc. today launched

    its new version of the country formerly known as the Kingdom of

    Norway. The new version, called “iWay”, is available immediately. In

    a brave move, Apple has disposed of the fjords, and instead introduced

    a sleek, 1000 mile long sandy beachline. Analyst Jean Monster of Piper

    Jaffray says: “Due to global warming, Hawaii is now far to hot for

    most tourists, and there’s not much left of Tahiti anyway. iWay has

    just the right climate – it’s the Hawaii of the new century!”. Monster

    raised his rating from “Must-buy” to “Buy-or-die”.

    Apparently, iWay will bli inhabited by citizens from former polynesian

    nations. Activists from the People’s Front Against Terraforming claim

    that Apple has relocated the entire Norwegian people to work as slaves

    for Apple’s Antarctica mining business, but an Apple spokeswoman

    declined to comment on this.

    Meanwhile, Microland (formerly known as Microsoft) is rumoured to

    launch its own country, dubbed “myWay”, next week, but Monster says:

    “The former kingdom of Sweden will never be able to compete with iWay

    – it lacks the surf!”.

  17. Tom says:

    Let’s be Pirates…

    I know I’ve been quiet recently (not that you would’ve noticed) but my laughter has remained plenty loud and raucous.

    Keep it up John

  18. Tr says:

    So, then we also will have “Apple Oil”. And if someone mess with the one with the oil, the USofArmy will sure come and get’em for Apple….

  19. Enig og tro

    til Dovre faller.

    Or as we say in Norway: “Vi har vært ute en vinterdag før.” 😉

  20. scared monster (pretending being someone else) says:

    iKea.

    But that’s the land over there, SwedeShoes, or something.

    Half-disposable wooden furniture, as Mr Coupland said.

    Now made white.

    And square.

    By the designers of the iPod.

  21. Norse day laborer says:

    Vi ville ikke arbeide for mindre enn $100 per timen.

  22. Joe #2 says:

    I wouldn’t buy France.

    Well, I might, but I’d nuke Paris immediately and get an insurance claim in on the Louvre and the rest of the historical buildings. Oh, and make sure to get the artwork out before nuking it.

    Can’t make more Davinci Code books to tick off the Christians without some of those paintings.

    🙂

  23. vitamin fortified says:

    A whole country in Apple’s possession. Great, with the terraforming assisted by the iPrairiedogs over at the TP, iWay will be the first in a series of insanely great countries. Will we have new colors and consumer and professional nations too?

  24. John Moltz says:

    Dammit, I thought it wasn’t Eisner. But any CEOs other than Steve all look alike to me.

  25. John Moltz says:

    nepse – I’m not sure why Jobs didn’t rename it iWay because then he could have told the citizens it was “iWay or the highway.” Probably too much already invested in the Norway brand name.

  26. Nxxx says:

    Hope he hasn’t dug up Frank and got him to sing “Idid it iWay”.

  27. blank says:

    I hear Steve is going to let Artie MacStrawman move in, but he has to bring his own toothbrush.

  28. Reality Distortion Field? WHAT Reality Distorion Field? says:

    Is Lutefisk anything like Gefilte fish?

    Ummmmm!! Good eats!

  29. Sebastian says:

    Hi

    Oh poor Norwegians, if _you_ don’t get any money from Stevee – he better have to pay, and let you stay there, since I wouldn’t like to have Disney figures as my nabours.

    BTW, what would Slartibartfast say to Steve about his upcomming demolishing of the fjords?

    /Sebastian – a Dane

  30. OMGHAX Fan Club says:

    I heard you visited the Norwegian’s room the day before they took off. Is that a coincidence?

  31. kingthedestroyer says:

    Sebastian, It probably would break Slartibartfast’s heart, seemed it was the only thing on the Earth Mach One that he cared about. I don’t think the mice mind, cause if anyone could stop Steve, I’m sure they could.

  32. What a fucking jooooke!! FYI Norway aint a Redneck land 😉 We got oil lol.

  33. Norwegian says:

    Haha who could ever believe us, the norwegian vikings ancestors, would ever get pushed around by some Apple-fag?

    Enig og tro til Dovre faller.

    BRING IT ON!!1

  34. Carbonfish says:

    I’m not so sure that this plan isn’t dangerous. I’ve personally witnessed what happens when you try to make a

    Disney animatronic character speak Norwegian, and it ain’t pretty.

    I highly recommend keeping a reasonable buffer between yourself and the talk-bot… That’s all I’m sayin’.

  35. zo says:

    It’s really better to read the feed. First.

    “Apple Buys Norway,” it says.

    And, “That settles that.”

    Sheer perfection. … um, is FakeSteve in this loop (ha ha ha ha)? I think FS should comment on you, then Gruber gets Rob Enderle to make a personal appearance on Macalope … no, wait, this is the web … and then

  36. Erik The Red says:

    Copenhagen,Today

    Today, President Jobs has announced on the ongoing negotiations between Queen Margareth II of Denmark and the Apple World Comitte has reached to an agreement.

    “We, Queen Margareth II of Denmark hereby proclaim that our country now has joined into the expanding new world of Apple. It is our goal to keep on with this expansion of this new and revised structure of our contries”.

    “We also proclaim that this development of our new country will result in a new and higher quality of our common interests”

    “It is our hope that our iWay brothers will join into work together with us here in eDen. Together our two Apple Counties will have the strength and power to invest both time and brainforce into the development of our neighbours in the east. Our Swedish brothers indeed do need help to raise to our common standard”

    “Finally we, Queen Margareth II and President Jobs can announce that the spokesman from Microworld, Steve Balmer, has agrred to withdraw from the board of directors, whereafter he will concentrate on his passionated hobby – the monkeyjump”.

    Steve Jobs, President of AppleWorld

    Queen Margareth II, CEO of AppleWorld

  37. […] Crazy Apple Rumors reports on Apple’s plans to get around their DRM problems in Norway. They’re going to buy it. Norway, that is. […]

  38. NorseDude says:

    Hey Jobs!

    Go ahed! You’ll be far better than “Regjeringen Tufte” (Our current gov) and we really need somone to save us from that insane gang. Take left at Oslo harbour and head for Honefoss. I’ll buy you a beer and show you my DualG4. Then we can have a talk about how to kick the Sweeds in the balls!

    We welcome you!

    T:-)

  39. Tina says:

    Sheer perfection. … um, is FakeSteve in this loop (ha ha ha ha)? I think FS should comment on you, then Gruber gets Rob Enderle to make a personal appearance on Macalope … no, wait, this is the web

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