Zune Phone To Also Suck.

The technology world was rocked yesterday as news leaked that Microsoft is planning a Zune phone.

Today, as details of the Zune phone began to leak on the Internet, analysts quickly came to the conclusion that the Zune phone would suck as badly as the Zune itself.

According to sources, in another moment of Microsoft marketing genius, the Zune phone will be called the “Zellular Phone Call”.

“As ‘tune’ is to ‘Zune’,” explained blogger Robert Scoble, “‘Cellular phone call’ is to ‘Zellular Phone Call’. See, it’s all about the user scenario. In this case, making a zellular phone call.

“Oops! I mean ‘cellular’. Although, it’s quite possible that everyone will start calling them ‘zellular phone calls’ once the Zellular Phone Call takes off.

“And there I mean the Zune phone.

“Uh… it’s, um… well… uh…”

Scoble also said that if you add a “z” to the front of anything, it automatically becomes cool, edgy and hip, and it totally doesn’t suck.

People who are actually cool, edgy and hip, however, say that Scoble is wrong.

“No, that totally sucks,” said 43Folders.com‘s Merlin Mann. “And it also just doesn’t make any sense.”

Beyond just the name, however, sources indicate that the Zellular Phone Call will have certain limitations inherited from the Zune platform.

For example, all calls will be wrapped in Microsoft’s DRM and the end-user license agreement will state that the contents of each call will be the property of Microsoft in perpetuity. Also, the Zellular Phone Call will only allow you to call someone three times. After that, every time you try to call that person you will hear a recording of a representative of the Recording Industry Association of America calling you a thief and yelling obscenities and threats at you.

Despite these serious drawbacks, Microsoft apologists continued to insist that the Zellular Phone Call was an “iPhone killer”.

“The Zellular Phone Call is an iPhone killer,” said Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group.

This comment was followed by a long pause as reporters waited for some sort of support for this contention.

“Uh, I got nothing after that. Usually that’s enough to get me quoted.”

Apple declined to comment for this story.

“Hey, it worked again!” exclaimed Enderle.

58 thoughts on “Zune Phone To Also Suck.”

  1. No, but I’m working on tomorrow night’s post so my lovely bride can have the attention she deserves.

    (I think we’re going to watch the Veronica Mars that we’re taping tonight. We’re outta control.)

    Also, I’m just sick of the usual crowd of first posters.

    Oh, wait, is this thing on?

  2. Mmmm the most exciting thing about that CruchGear story was “vanilla VoIP”. That is just so tasty.

    Moltz you should go round there and kick butt for stealing your edible protocol ideas? Off you go, I’ve got your six.

  3. thats what microsuck needs… more crappy branding… just slap another sticker on a festering pile of crap.



    TOP TEN!

  4. Can I just mention that this is my first time on television?

    Oh, and, er… Zune. Phone. Suck. Yeah.

    Heh. Now add some pudding to that phone, and then you’ve got something that *should* come in brown…

  5. Dang you Moltz. How dare you post early. I took a bottle of No-Doze and drank a carafe of coffee just so I can be ready to post at 1:30 am EST.

    And just so you can get your groove on to Veronica Mars.

    Sending the iPrairiedogs from the TP to tunnel through fhe foundationsd and clog your pudding transmissions and taking your last case of iWannbeyourlover therefore disrupting your V-Day plans.

    Um, can I have my prosthesis back please?

  6. Cool, edgy, hip, groovy, cool, phat. I am just Z-shizzle to-NITE babe.

    That was fun.

    I have to teach the early class in the morning. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go yell incoherently at imaginary things that are apparently circling my head. It’s fun; drives my wife crazy.

    Try the Malted Milk Balls with the marinara sauce.

  7. HMMmmmm. It appears your right John. The early crowd is much less annoying than the usual band of miscreants that lie in wait for the opportunity to either mock or praise your wordcraft.


  8. You’re… “It appears you’re right…” That’s what I meant to type, but I was too busy feeling sorry for myself after your hurtful comment to spell correctly.

  9. …This story was followed by a long pause as CARS denizens waited for some sort of support for this content…

  10. Do not doubt my veracity.

    I am very fast.

    Oh, wait, that’s velocity. Do not doubt my velocity.


  11. ZZ Top zs zhe zottest zand zround.


    That was totally stupid.

    Scoble IS wrong.

    I’m gonna go play with my iPrairieDog.

  12. I was going to post something [i]trés[/i] hip, edgy, and cool, but darnit John, you totally threw me with the Boss reference there! (Also, we now know that you’re John Moltz, John Gruber, [i]and[/i] Stephen Colbert. How many times have you seen those three together in a room?)

    Ha-haa! Body in a woodchipper!

  13. Ugh. And then I go and spoil it all, by doing something stupid like incorrectly encapsulating you.

  14. Microsoft will even invent a new word for “calling”. You won’t “call” your friends; you won’t even “squirt” your friends.

    You’ll “cum” on your friends.

    (Relax: It’s an acronym for “Callin’ Up Muhafuckas”. That Microsoft…they’re so hip!)

  15. Man, that Robert Scoble! I think he’s on to something. I wish I could be as smart as him someday!

  16. Am I hip and edgy now? Or merely pathetic? Zou be the judge!

    I can’t be overdrawn! I’ve got plenty of checks left.

  17. I am hereby renaming the TeraPost (TP) to the ZettaPost (ZP) just in case Scoble is right.

    Now to vizit the ZP and see if it really is better.

  18. ‘No, that totally sucks,’ said 43Folders.com’s Merlin Mann. ‘And it also just doesn’t make any sense.’

    As we all know, Merlin Mann is biased, for he prefers his wallet to an actual phone.

  19. Let me try this out…

    Zune… Zellular… Zcoble… Zucks…

    Nope, I’m just not feelin’ the cool, hip, edgy thing.

  20. Scoble got it wrong. It’s ENDING things with ‘z’ that makes them cool, hip, and edgy.

    Like, uh, Moltz.


  21. Today, Zteve Zallmer of Microsoft announced that the next version of Windows will be called “Windows Zac OS X.” In his keynote zpeech, he unveiled a lot of innovative new features, including Zashboard Zidgets, Zpotlight, Zpaces, Zposé and the Zcode development environment.

    He repeatedly said “Zoom!” and “We think it’s zreat!” during his presentation.

    He also announced the new iZork software suite, as well as a slew of new video editing products such as Zotion 2, Zompressor 2, and ZVD Ztudio Pro.

    “But there’s one more zing,” he added, announcing his company’s plans for Microsoft retail stores. “We will call them Ztores,” he concluded.

  22. I don’t know. The “z” thing makes a lot of sense to me. When I hear that Microsoft is releasing anything other than the XBox “z” is the first thing that comes to mind.

    As in “zzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzz”

  23. HEY… you call this REPORTING?!?!?!

    You totally forgot to say that Microsoft forecasts that they are on target to sell one million in the first MONTH.

    Get the research together boys!

  24. John,

    As this is probably one of the very late comments on this post, I want you to know that I never doubted your viscosity. Not for a moment. And that’s a lovely brooch.

    “Truth in advertising” cardboard sign:

    “Will discard remaining vestiges of dignity for grain alcohol.”

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