27 Feb 07Apple Clarifies Apple TV Delay.

Sources close to Apple revealed today that the Daylight Savings Time Update package for Tiger and Panther contain a special enhancement required for use of the upcoming Apple TV media adapter: February 2007, will have 63 days in it.

Due to Apple’s promise to deliver the Apple TV “in February,” and their failure to have product ready by the traditional end of the month, which contains 28 days in years other than leap years, CEO Steve Jobs opted to manipulate the calendar for his purposes.

“Technically, by agreeing to our software licensing terms, Mac users also agree to be governed by the Stephorian calendar which, admittedly, is a term I just made up,” said Apple senior vice president for worldwide marketing, Phil Schiller, who asked to not be identified in association with this article.

“Under the conditions of that license, Apple can make arbitrary changes to the length of a second or a day, or change the length of months and years,” Schiller said.

“Actually, if you read it closely, we can pretty much do anything we want. I can’t believe you people just click through those things.

“A lot of our customers have been asking us for 30-hour days and 10-day weeks for a while. Yes, we know they were kidding, but it’s too late for jokes now, folks.”

Along with the 63-day February, the year following 2009 will be known as 200X, and Bill Gates’s birth date, along with the birth dates of all his children – but not Melinda, for some reason – will be removed from future Apple calendars.

Because the ubiquitous iPod also uses the same set of calendars, the changes are expected to gain immediate popularity. Linux users will be required to develop their own patches to conform to the Apple calendar. As Apple is unlikely to license the Stephorian calendar for Windows, users of that platform will soon be called “February 63rd Fools” and be forced to move to a small rural community in Indiana.

The Apple TV is schedule to ship by Feb. 63rd, unless further developments make the cancellation of summer necessary.

38 Responses to “Apple Clarifies Apple TV Delay.”

  1. John Student says:

    Dos?

  2. Rip Ragged says:

    That’s just bullshit. I have friends in Indiana. Move ’em to North Dakota.

    First.

    Or possibly from all this screwing around, ninth.

    You can lead a horse to water; so what?

  3. redeyebase says:

    oh my omy 4?

  4. Rip Ragged says:

    Now I’m mad. I’m driving to Cupertino to get this straightened out. And these flattened. And that thing over there bent into the shape of a pretzel. That other stuff needs to be boiled, so don’t eat any until I get back.

    Just wondering, does anyone actually know how to get ninety-nine bottles of beer on a wall? I can stack 99 cans okay, but the damn bottles keep falling down. What do you use? Glue?

  5. shawk says:

    You spin the room so that centrifugal force sticks the beer bottles to the wall.

    Kids.

    Get off my front beer! I just mowed it!

  6. Deich says:

    Superglue works pretty well, but what has been doing it for me is a deal with the devil. That dude can do wonders. Seriously, you should see the pimp ride he got me. I wonder what he meant by “see you in hell”.

  7. Zander says:

    hells ya to Rip Ragged. i’m from indiana (make fun of it still, but…). north dakota is the most ridiculous state. added bonus: it’s cold.

    other than that, would windows users be “february 63rd fools” or “february 60th fools,” because Stephorian “february 60th” equates to Gregorian April 1st. Hmm…

    -Zander

  8. HaHaRich says:

    Um, is the “but not Melinda, for some reason” supposed to be a setup for some kind of SJ/MG-affair joke? On the one hand, there’s just something wrong with that, but on the other hand, that actually makes it PERFECT for CARS.

  9. Carbonfish says:

    Ummmmm, Eleven… really… I mean it this time.

  10. Zesty says:

    Deitch,it’s cause there are no speed limits in hell, so all the hot racers hang out there. I recommend you take the turnpike ’til you get to the AC/DC highway…

    Also, the plan to wipe Bill Gates genes from the earth means Melinda can be spared. Not to mention SJ wants her for a trophy second wife… just to show those other tech companies what’ll happen to them if they dare cross Apple.

  11. His Steveness says:

    Moltz, you forgot to mention my new definition of spring: Spring is when I am in the mood.

  12. Nxxx says:

    MY watch doesn’t have 63 on it. Other than that. I’m still having troubles about what it means when Mickey’s tail sticks straight up.

    At least I hope it is his tail.

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    It’s called centripetal force, and in a rectangular room the bottles collect in the corners. I saw it once on the Ed Sullivan Show, where the entertainer spun a room full of beers atop a stick whilst circus music played.

    I also ask to not be identified in association with this article.

  14. Julian Calendar FTW. Today is 15 FEB 7515!

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Damn! In my calendar it’s my birthday every day in March. Now I have to wait another 35 days!

  16. disgruntled cynic says:

    Another CARS post as only Moltz can do it. I mean… I’m not just blowin’ sunshine up your skirt, John. Mainly because we know you prefer the stretch pants and there’s nothin’ in it for me.

    Nothin’ for me in blowin’ sunshine. Not nothin’ in your stretch pants. For me, I’m sayin’. I’m only making this worse, aren’t I?

    But I laughed. I cried. It was better than Cats. I’ll read it again and again.

    OK, I didn’t cry and reading it once was enough. But there’s little that’s not better than Cats.

    And I did laugh. Out loud.

  17. Moltz for President!

    I am totally not kidding.

    Okay, maybe a little bit. But wouldn’t it be nice to have a president who made you laugh (in a good way) instead of cry (in a bad way) for a change?

  18. Chris says:

    There was no mention in this article of what would happen to March? Would there only be 11 months in the year? 30 days added to the year?

    All I know is that when this new DST takes place, the 2nd Monday in March err… 6th Monday in Feb. (forgive me Steve), there is going to be a lot of calls to tech support. Not very many people are ready for the chaos that is going to ensue!

  19. John Moltz says:

    Please remember that many of these stories are written by the other top-notch CARS reporters.

  20. Garnack says:

    Yes John, but it’s your very special editing that gives them all that certain jean say kwa.

  21. NWJR says:

    Dammit, people, he said FEBRUARY. He didn’t say WHICH YEAR.

    Oh, and…

    23RD!

  22. Huh? says:

    Damn.

    I just got the 10.3 Daylight Savings patch installed, too.

    Well, poo.

  23. Steve G. says:

    How is this going to screw up my summer vacation plans?

    Especially if you cancel summer?

    Bastards.

    Oh, BTW, I’m sending this from my second frickin’ iPhone, with Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly wallpaper on it.

  24. Inside My Pants says:

    “said Apple senior vice president for worldwide marketing, Phil Schiller, who asked to not be identified in association with this article.”

    ROFL. That was great.

    (excuse me for making a serious comment)

  25. vitamin fortified says:

    So will the solstices now be named after Apple executived based on personalities? And when wil get the second iPhone based on the Stephorian calender? June 85th?

  26. comacnut says:

    I too have friends in Indiana, so I can say with some authority that Indiana is a great place to send those little heathens.

  27. Jean says:

    Kwa.

    Happy Garnack?

  28. Ace Deuce says:

    In the year of the Leopard, in late, dark Wozember

    it behooves us all to try and remember

    that eating lobster, and crab, and boatloads of krill

    will swell our big toes by the month of Schill.

    Suffer no fools, stupidiots, cretins, or dolts,

    and for the love of Jobs, beware the Ides of Moltz!

    If we follow sage advice and through endless tunnels strive,

    we just might recover by the Ides of Ive.

  29. Biff Whammy says:

    Wouldn’t it be better known as the Jobsian calendar? It just sounds more elegant. In a black-mock-turtleneck kind of way. Can someone ask Ives what he thinks? Now there’s a man with style.

    Should I be concerned that my first thought on seeing the word “clarifies” was “butter?”

  30. Reality Czech says:

    Months and dates are the creation of mankind. In the real world, there are only cycles of spinning globs. When entropy is complete and the universe has wound down, we will all be long dead.

    Have a nice day!

  31. OMGHAX says:

    Be worried when Cesar Stevius Jobsaelius comes treading round your back step!

  32. Doc Wolfram says:

    Contrary to public opinion, some people actually live in North Dakota, too! (Not as many as in Indiana, I know.) Go pick on Wyoming… or Idaho… or SOUTH Dakota.

    Expecting another foot of snow tomorrow and Friday.

  33. Garnack says:

    Yes Jean, I’m happy now.

  34. wlao says:

    Apple is also going to rename the months in an upcoming update to the Daylight Savings Time Update, according to a rumor that I read in a mail from a reliable source. January will be known as Jobsuary, February as Steveuary, March (what is left of it) as Gatech, April as Shilleril, etc.

    The mail also indicated that Apple may start selling Viagra and other prescribed drugs.

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    My pencil is pointing North.

    Old photographs litter the desk

    Scattered papers

    A used Kleenex ™

    And yet poetry

    Still annoys the hell out of me.

    Well, except poems about people from Nantucket.

    I’ll take “Great Moments at the Oscars” for a bologna sandwich and a glass of Kool Aid, Alex.

  36. jroll4 says:

    Hey I live in South Dakota and I like the 2 feet of snow that’s just been dropped on me!

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