02 Mar 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today’s Help Desk answers the musical question…

Q: How does Apple do that voodoo that it does so well?

A: Well, as a matter of fact, it turns out that it’s real voodoo. So, uh, as far as how they do it… I think it’s mostly chicken blood.

Q: I’ve owned Macs for about ten years now and I’ve always wondered, is Apple down with OPP?

A: Oh, yes, totally. Apple’s been down with OPP for, what, two years now?

Q: Wow. Really? Like, who? You said something about Melinda Gates the other day. Is it Melinda Gates?

A: What? What does she have to do with Other People’s Processors?

Q: Huh?

A: Other People’s Processors. You know… when Apple switched to Intel and got down with OPP.

Q: Uh…

A: What did you think it meant?

Q: I’d… rather not say now.

Q: Is this burning I feel for my MacBook an eternal flame?

A: While I’m sure you like your MacBook very much, no.

Q: Oh. So it’s probably just processor heat. Should I just get a Podium Pad or something?

A: Uh… well, sadly, in your case, only some of the burning is processor heat. The rest is VD.

Q: Oh. Wait a minute, how do you know?

A: Oh, we know. We know. For some reason we have sources at Apple and also down at the clinic. I’m still not really sure why.

35 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Squished Squirrel says:

    Blehh… I coulda been a contenda’

  2. Rip Ragged says:

    I now feel qualified to comment. I’ve read the whole post. There were no bad words. The bit about venereal disease was a bit nasty, but other than that, a very nice, family oriented post.

    Hey. Shut the hell up back there or I’m pulling this frigging car over and you can just skip bingo night. Dammit. Put your teeth back in.

  3. redeyebase says:

    5sies again?

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Musical questions should have musical answers.

    Do you hear what I hear?

    I heard it through the grapevine.

  5. Trudy says:

    My first top ten?

  6. Deich says:

    The only burning I feel for my MacBook is the burning crusade… haha… hehe… ok, nevermind…

  7. Trevor says:

    10th again.

  8. Huh? says:

    The chicken blood does ok for the smaller releases like the new Airport Extreme and small speed bumps,

    but something… um… a bit larger… and uh, how do I put this… …more ‘human’ is needed for the big stuff, like the iPhone.

    Don’t ask.

    Trust me… Don’t. Ask.

    A living dead girl told me.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Get up to date Moltz.

    VD is and has been known for ages as sexually communicated infections.

    Otherwise eleven and a half out of ten.

  10. Chris says:

    “O is for Other, P is for People scratchin’ temple

    The last P…well…that’s not that simple”

    Turn it Up, Bring the Noise!

    “You call ’em demos but we ride limos, too

    Whatcha gonna do? Rap is not afraid of you

    Beat is for Sonny Bono, beat is for Yoko Ono

    Run DMC first said a DJ could be a band

    Stand on it’s feet, get you out your seat”

    Top 15 with a bullet, or something like that.

    I am still waiting for the George Ou guest hosted Friday Help Desk!

    “Cause I´m the miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy

    Miggida miggida miggida Mac Daddy

    I make ya wanna

    Jump jump”

  11. NWJR says:

    But can YOUR Mac get jiggy wit it?

  12. buthidae says:

    You remind me of a man – the man with the Power.

  13. scared monster, pretending being the reincarnation of frankie says:


    if I never had a penny

    I’d be as loaded as old Rockfella

    Diamonds at my feet

    an a MacBook Amateur so sweet

  14. Tom says:

    or sti or std. problem subscriber-trunk-dial sounds like an incredibly painful sti…

  15. OMGHAX says:

    And he’s watching us all through the eye… of the iSight!

  16. OMGHAX says:

    I got the rap patrol on the mac patrol

    All my foes wanna see my Macbook close

    I like 99 kernels but Windows ain’t one!

    Jay-Z? More like Lay-Z. Nobody writes in iambic pentameter anymore!

  17. Too all-beef patty says:

    I’ve heard at times you can’t make rhymes of words that sound like “orange”.

    But if there’s a word that you have heard that “sounds like” — must be “orange”.

    There’s not a pear or fruit so rare whose name is just its color,

    That cannot trade in poem’s parade and claim the fame of orange.

    ©2007 TABP Music

  18. Power FTW! PowerPCs that is!

  19. vitamin fortified says:

    Seems this post is the unholy sacrifice of iPod with the blood of a 1980’s era beat boy.

    Turntables of the Living Dead for a shrunken head, Alex.

  20. Rip Ragged says:

    Interesting phenomenon. I pushed the button for inane jabber, tangentially related to Apple computers. Instead I found an infestation of rhythm-free white guys doing bad hip-hop.

    Things You’d Rather Not See for any amount of money, Alex.

  21. won says:

    I’d like to thank Rip Ragged for the nomination for first post, and Anastasios for the seconding (well, fourthing, technically), but I must graciously decline.

    She rode a horse into my head… she won’t discipline the children, now they’re running wild on the beach, and I don’t care…

    No, I don’t care…

  22. Anonymous says:

    OPP is the Ontario Provincial Police!

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    Anyone else missing Casey Jones?

    Boy I sure did love the tootin’ of that Cannonball Express whistle!

    I don’t know why VD made me think of that.

  24. MC uhh says:

    Other People’s Pentiums!!

  25. Opulent Popular Poppling

    “Things Nobody Ever Says” for two kneecaps and a sack of oysters shells, Alex.

  26. OMGHAX says:

    Ominous Pig Phaction

    You want amazing hip hop? Just search for Slick Vik on iTunes. He’s the underground indian rapper from Issaquah!

    “When I’m walking down the street and my feet make a beat, all the ladies go, “Uh,” yeah what, and all the punks don’t wanna mess with me, cause I got a Ph.D in Thugology!”

    I’ll take rendering engines supporting stochastic global illumination for threepence, Alex.

  27. UhhhDude says:

    I would think that Apple would be more like “Lean wit it, Rock wit it” than “OPP,” since that song is like 40 years old.

    OTOH, I can see “OPP” in a Zune commercial no prob. For Bill, it would stand for “Other People’s Profits.”

    And it would ensure that he’s hopelessly out of touch with pop culture.

  28. Del says:

    Ok a long time ago I had a really funny comment with song titles that would be very appropriate for this topic.

    The only problem is that it was at http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/cgi-bin/mt/first-post.cgi?entry_id=391 which no longer works 🙁

    Even Google doesn’t seem to have it cached any longer.

  29. Chris says:

    “OPP” – The title of a Joyce Kilmer poem about urine?

    “Poems are made by people smarter than me. All I know is that I really have to pee.”

  30. Walking Contradiction says:

    you down with OPP?

    Ovine Progressive Pneumonia?

    Opening Price Point?

    Organophosphate Poisoning?

    Osteopathic Principles and Practices?

    Oregon Patriot Party?

    Organic Pear Production?

    Ontario Paintball Place?

    So many meanings, so little time …

  31. Joe #2 says:

    OPP: Other People’s Ponies.

    We all want ponies!

  32. Martinella says: