Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I know you’re not really on the Security Bitch Watch beat anymore because, well, it’s March. But I was reading about the emails David Maynor sent to Apple and… wow. I mean, he initially contacts Apple about some wifi exploit but then he gives them code for a Linux exploit and then he won’t shut up about a Bluetooth exploit. What is up with this guy?
A: Well, as it turns out, David Maynor is actually composed of thousands of smaller David Maynors constantly competing for control of the larger construct we call “David Maynor.”
Q: Oh. You mean he’s schizophrenic?
A: No. I mean he’s actually made up of little people.
Q: Wow! But, I mean, shouldn’t someone like at MIT or the government or something capture him and stow him away in a facility somewhere and study him? You know, somewhere where he doesn’t have access to a Mac?
A: Well, yes. And, as a matter of fact, Crazy Apple Rumors Site would like to encourage all of its readers to contact their representatives and ask them to have David Maynor taken off to a top-secret S.H.I.E.L.D. facility for study.
Q: Awesome! Mine’s Ted Stevens so I just know he’s totally going to go for that!
A: Oh, man, I wish I had wacky representation.
Q: Oh, you do, dude. You do.
Q: I installed the iTunes update on two computers this week, one a Mac and the other a PC. Now here’s something that’s bothered me – I had to reboot one machine, and it wasn’t the PC. What’s up with that? I mean, why is Apple making its Mac-using customers do more work than its Windows-using customers?
A: Isn’t it obvious? iTunes on Windows is a mess.
Q: Hmm. Well, I guess that’s true. So, the reboot thing is just Apple’s way of making it all even out?
A: Well, that and it’s also that the piece that makes the Mac version of iTunes so much more stable is the part that requires a reboot.
Q: Oh. What part is that?
A: Hell if I know. Who do I look like? Bertrand Serlet?
Q: Mmm, no.
A: Do I look like Sina Tamaddon?
Q: Not so much.
A: Do I look like Tony Fadell?
Q: No. But, hey, what’s up with that dude’s Adam’s apple? Did he get punched in the throat or something? It’s, like, on the side of his neck!
A: No, no. I think he just swallowed a first generation shuffle.
Q: Oh. Why would he do that?
A: Some sort of executive hazing ritual.
Q: Oh, like swallowing gold fish.
A: Right. Man, I tell you what. Those guys are weird.
Q: I hear that.
Q: I’m a little concerned about this whole daylight savings change.
A: OK. Have you downloaded Apple’s operating system patch?
Q: Yes, but I’m just afraid something’s going to bite me and I’m not going to wake up on time to attend morning services at Our Lady of the Vaginal Yeast Infection.
A: Bite you? You mean like a venomous snake?
Q: Uh, no, just that my alarm won’t go off.
A: Oh. Well, OK, tell you what. Just apply Apple’s patch twice.
A: Yeah. So then you’ll be two hours ahead at least.
Q: Huh. Will that work?
A: Sure. Why not? I think it will. Maybe. I don’t know.
Q: You don’t really care about my concern, do you.
A: No. Of course I don’t. I mean, “Our Lady of the Vaginal Yeast Infection”? What the hell is that?
Q: Uh… we… believe in the miracle of the immaculate yeast infection.
A: That’s an oxymoron!
Q: That’s why it’s a miracle! Duh!
A: Mmm… you got me there.