02 May 07Apple To Introduce New Security Device.

Sources at Apple indicate the company is preparing a new product that will seek to resolve growing concerns about Mac security.

Some have issued calls for Apple to beef up system security as a result of last year’s wireless controversy and the Month of Apple Bugs earlier this year.

“We looked at the security surrounding our Mac products,” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller, “and we identified the single biggest threat. And it’s not QuickTime bugs, it’s not Java bugs, it’s not 0 ring insertion. Because there just aren’t any exploits in the wild for those.

“No, it’s being hit over the head and having someone grab your Mac and run off. Unlike these other theoretical threats, this one actually happens to Mac users on an almost daily basis because our products are so boss.”

To combat this, Apple will introduce the iHelmet at its Worldwide Developers Conference next month.

Made of an advanced zirconium alloy, the iHelmet features built-in iPod earbuds and a Bluetooth transmitter that automatically locks your Mac’s keychain when either the iHelmet moves out of broadcast range or blunt force trauma is detected. A preference pane lets you adjust the sensitivity, in the event you’re a “hard rocker”.

“We believe this should resolve any security concerns anyone has about the Mac,” Schiller said.

“Well… OK… George Ou…

“But, what are you gonna do?”

No Responses to “Apple To Introduce New Security Device.”

  1. His Steveness says:

    Foist little pony

  2. hot crackers! says:

    I bet she gives great helmet…

  3. Carl says:

    You have to pay an extra 100 for the “Dark Helmet” and its security code is hardwired to “1234.”

  4. Trevor says:

    Will it be released at WWDC?

  5. Deich says:

    Microsoft will soon release a similar product, the Helmet Home Premium XP Edition, which will actually cause the user to loose control and crash.

  6. Nxxx says:

    Hey Moltz, what’s this?
    For the second time today, I’ve been forced to press the heavily sprung keys of this Mac keyboard just to keep your blog going.
    *Collapses in an exhausted faint*
    Now look what you’ve done.

  7. redeyebase says:

    totally lost, but still in top 10. what’s happen’ to this world we live in?

  8. disgruntled cynic says:

    I thought this was gonna be more like, “If you have security problems on a Mac you probably need a …”

    As in, “Hurry! The short bus is here! Run and get your …”

  9. Ventzi says:

    9th little kitten!

    meow

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Unfortunately, the helmet will not prevent hypnotism, which is how those thgs got my Mac last time. There needs to be an anti-hypnotic add-on before I’ll bite.

  11. Anonymous Coward says:

    Hot damn, read it and #11! Good Morninnnnngggggg!

  12. Anonymous Coward says:

    Okay, here’s hot to improve this product. Instead of a shield, make it an ipod screen to watch your favorite Scrubs episode while walking, driving or reading CARS. Also, make it a touch screen Mac. You could run a full version of OS X and you’d just have to keep poking yourself in the head.

  13. ZED says:

    13’s pretty good for me…

  14. ZED says:

    If only I could get a white leather biker’s outfit to go with my white Harley–then I’d be REALLY cool!

  15. Del says:

    I’ll wait until it comes out in colors.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    You could still be stabbed or eaten by a bear.

  17. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    A friend of mine got his hands on a pre-demo version, he wore it for about 3 days straight, and said it was hot as hell. Apple needs to add a fan, even though I heard that Jobs wanted it to be fan-less because of the noise. My guess is the iHelmet iSocks won’t come out until 2.0 anyway. Does anyone know what the expected ship date on 2.0 should be??? Also I hear that there are rumors of micro cracks in the clear coat finish of the iHelemt 1.0, just like the cube, can anyone confirm that?? I agree with most other posts, I think waiting for iHelmet 2.0 is the way to go.

  18. Senioré Soosy says:

    What is this? An actual crazy apple RUMOR!

    Back to basics. Nice.

    And it was a funny one too. 10 stars / 4 horseshoes.

  19. blank says:

    iHelmet makes most bears very uncomfortable. It’s because of their large heads, I suppose. As to the stabbing problem, I suggest Run-Fu.

  20. Ace Deuce Says: “Unfortunately, the helmet will not prevent hypnotism”

    I’m sure they’ll come out with a silvery reflective iPlate for it eventually. We can complain bitterly about not having one until it’s released, then complain bitterly that it gets all scratched up when the hypnotists’ bears attack.

  21. kingthedestroyer says:

    For total protection… where is the iCondom???Ï

  22. nonlinearG says:

    Next year at this time, if not before, expect to see peeceers in large public demonstrations encouraging all hackers to band together to “hack the Mac”

    These demonstrations to be held in Redmond may be larger than this years immigration demonstrations. Police are developing riot gear that fires 0’s and 1’s and a new “Ether net”.

    You should avoid contact with “friends” that would require the iCondom. If you know what I mean.

  23. bwahaha says:

    why isn’t it peril sensitive?

  24. Opt-O-Mystik, a Priest, and a Rabbi says:

    those earbuds better be noise-canceling or I’m filing a law suit.

    Just gotta work on the grounds for the suit…but I’m sure there’s something there.

  25. OMGHAX says:

    O-Ring failure!? I thought they fixed that! You better loose those strap-on solid rocket boosters!

  26. Anomynous says:

    That helmet looks like something my little Lego people would wear.

    Not that I still play with legos or anything…

  27. redwall_hp says:

    Does it include a WI-FI card?

  28. Anonymous says:

    Hey, why isn’t there a race for the last comment?

    I win!

  29. Dimi-tree says:

    No you don’t

  30. Dimi-tree says:

    Would the helmet be compatible with the iPhone though? It would suck ass to take it off every time someone calls me.

  31. staykill says:

    i win! haha

  32. doppelf says:

    I was involved in beta testing the iHelmet and while it does not prevent 0-ring insertion it does prevent anyone from hearing you scream.

  33. Dimi-tree says:

    Well then, doppelf, it means that sound does not escape the iHelmet, and therefore must be directed to your ears entirely.

    Which in its turn means you can go deaf from your own screaming. I’m sure it’s one of the main features.

  34. FroogleThis says:

    O-Ring failure??? Isn’t that a form of birth control?
    And, exactly how long will it be cool to wear this helmet while walking in the mall? JCPenny’s is having a sale this weekend that I can’t miss. Dungaree jeans 20% off.

  35. Abstract says:

    Hm…looks like it belongs on a lego figure if you ask me

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