16 May 07Another Speed Bump Coming.

Just days after speed-bumping the MacBook, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that Apple will be deploying another speed bump this weekend.

Ironically, while all previous Apple speed bumps have caused things to go faster, this one will actually slow things down.

According to sources in Apple’s facilities organization, Cupertino road crews will spend Saturday and Sunday speed-bumping Infinite Loop at the request of COO Tim Cook to make traffic on the Apple campus safer for pedestrians.

“It’s no secret that we put this off for years because [CEO] Steve [Jobs] likes to drive at speeds approaching that of sound,” Cook said. “But now that we’ve finished the secret tunnel that lets him come and go as he pleases, we can address the safety of others.”

After an uncomfortable pause as the implications of of his statement sank in, Cook added “Well, he, uh, never really hit anyone. Hard.

“I mean, that guy’s already up and walking again. It’s just… it’s not a big deal.”

As is typical of Apple’s design philosophy, these will be no ordinary speed bumps. Sources say the bumps have been specially designed by Jonathan Ive and are made of advanced ceramics that will convert the pressure of the cars that pass over them into electrical energy that will help power the campus.

“They will also be gorgeous to look at,” Cook said. “Which will cause drivers to slow down even further.

“They will also smell like strawberries and champagne.”

Asked to comment about the speed bumps, Rob Enderle of the Enderle Group called them “reckless” and predicted that they would actually cause traffic to speed up on Infinite Loop.

No Responses to “Another Speed Bump Coming.”

  1. arcsine says:

    zero -th

  2. redeyebase says:


  3. redeyebase says:

    3rd it should be

  4. fatbo says:

    4th, bitches

  5. Trudy says:


  6. Trudy says:

    5 then. Still my new high.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    New tunnel!

  8. Nxxx says:

    Smells like champagne?



    Clear breach of Tera-Post patents. See you in court.

  9. Carbonfish says:

    Number Nine? Again??

  10. Carbonfish says:

    HMMMmmmm. Outsourcing the speed bumps to the Cupertino Public Works Department huh? Sounds like some sort of subsidy to me…

    Developing a project that is partially funded by public money??

    I only have three words to say… and they’re really appropriate in a tunnel…

    Lawsuit of BATS!

  11. OMGHAX says:

    Yeah, traumatic aortal rupture… no big deal.

  12. Rip Ragged says:

    Thank goodness I got here when I did. I would have been here sooner but… well… Darn those nasty old speed bumps anyway. Darn them to heck, I say.

    No [shit].

  13. 2000guitars says:

    Bats…..of doom

  14. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Two questions raise in my obscured brain, as the morning oozes rain on the windows…(yes, depressive moods lead to romantic haired poetry)
    1. What’s the Millesime of Champagne ?
    2. If it’s speed that provides power, isn’t it …er… nonsense to ask people to go slower ?

    I got news from that guy who …er…walks again. Well, I wouldn’t call that a walk. Looks like Michael Jackson in Billy Jean…

  15. Sudo Nym says:

    Ironically, while all previous Apple speed bumps have caused things to go faster, this one will actually slow things down.

    You are obviously forgetting the notorious G4 Speed Dump, in which Apple reduced the speeds of the entire line of new G4 computers without lowering prices.

    Really, it was a convenience for customers, who would have been hopelessly confused by lower prices.

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    Also, don’t forget the Great Flood and Funk #49.

    We didn’t start the fire, but we’re pretty sure the insurance company is going to investigate.

  17. Cochrane says:

    Rob Enderle is best. As always.

  18. Too all-beef patty says:

    Microsoft will soon announce VISTA speed bumps, but internal memos reveal these to be merely potholes.

    “Using existing technology to acheive a similar user experience will allow us to respond quickly to market forces and maintain high visibility in the face of changing trends.”

    Steve Ballmer responded “I’m not going to get into this with you over the phone”, so I asked to meet me for coffee at 11:00 this morning. I’ll let you know how things turn out.

  19. NWJR says:

    Ah…I wondered when there’d be another Enderle sighting.

    I feel much better now.

  20. Doc Wolfram says:

    Enderle, schmenderle!

    I really want another JFC sighting.

    You know, Jennifer…

  21. Del says:

    The TP tunnel diggers have a very strong union. Apple does not want to mess with them. Capice?

    Apple may have ninja’s, but we’ve got kitten enforcers. We’ve just switched the kittens to Soy milk, so they are in a BAD mood and looking for a fight.

  22. blank says:

    Considering he’s a vegan, Steve sure drives fast and parks badly.

    Check with The Entity. I’m sure he knows what the scene is like in the Vega system.

  23. Rip Ragged says:

    If you ever drove a Vega you’d understand.

    The tunnel diggers do indeed have very strong onions. When you consider that they add slices of those onions, and minced garlic to their limburger sandwiches and accompany them with baked beans, boiled eggs and beer, you can begin to understand why negotiations with them can be painful.

    Altoids sell very well over at the TP.

  24. spresso says:

    Enderle may be the best, but I think Dvorak and Forrester should weigh in too. Don’t be afraid of the “truth”!

    Then again, JFC trumps all.

  25. Rip Ragged says:

    Thurott rules. The oozing festering unsqueezed pimple of Macintosh punditry.