18 May 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

This week’s Help Desk has been outsourced to cheap labor from indiscriminate countries with a loose grasp of the English language!

Q: I am being troubled with the iMac! It always shut down with improper mood and rough abandon! Why it do this?!
A: You are being hit reset button with force of knee to the groin?
Q: No! All touches to machine are like those of effeminate Estonian man!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha! Estonians!
A: They are funny!
Q: Their derision provides spastic amusement!

Q: The iPod is the playing of music, but not the display of picture of iPhoto. iTunes is of right setting with harmony of connection, but transfer is as absent as attractive woman in Slovakian beauty contest.
A: Hmm. When plug of jack, is iPod of list with icon displayed with the certainty of arms akimbo?
Q: Uh… what?
A: When plug of jack… When iPod is in position of submission to USB male parts.
Q: Oh! Dirty intercourse of white cable!
A: Yes! There is icon of metal square with nipple.
Q: Metal square with nipple?! This being iPod of the shuffle!
A: Ack! My village elders to hit me with sticks of embarrassment!

Q: Apple’s Backup app, with terrible aforefront, will refuse the conduct, much as Slovenian women refuse the sex of their foul-breathed and grotesquely bearded men.
A: For Backup of the Apple, begin the pushing with roundly button of menu.
Q: It is with roundly Slovenian woman I would like to begin the pushing!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ahhhhh… Seriously, though, once you’ve had a plump Slovenian chick you’ll never go back.
A: Oh, reaaaaallly…

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Edwin Tan says:


  2. Huh? says:


    Nope. Not there for me.

    Maybe I need to find a Slovenian chick…

  3. NWJR says:

    Third little pony?

  4. Devon Shaw says:


  5. Dr. Who says:

    A high five.

  6. slovenian chick says:


    Err… I mean six.

  7. Perfection says:

    Seven The number of perfection……….NOTTT

  8. Pron Dog says:

    Uh guys? Have any of you checked out what slovak women look like?

    Try google image search for “Marketa” or “Zafira”. Trust me.

  9. Alex says:

    Ugh, Why it do this shoudl read Why do it this. God, learn English.
    Seriously, what’s up with the numbers people, first, second, third, oh how cool. phh, what a waste of fucking comments. can someoen like ban these useless scum form posting fucking numbers. yea we can all count woo-dee-fucking-doodly. make a funny remark or something, not a stupid number.

  10. Carbonfish says:

    HMMMMmmmmm, It looks like someone didn’t get their milk and cookies or something. Also didn’t pay attention to those punctuation lessons mommy and daddy paid so dearly for…

    Oh well. I work in public education. I’m used to it.

    Hey John, It wasn’t you by any chance, that caused my Apple stock to plummet by 3% in less than six hours was it?

    Just askin’…

  11. Carbonfish says:

    Yeah I know… it’s capitalization that was the problem, but I’m tired, so don’t pick nits.

  12. Nxxx says:

    “Loose grasp of the English language!”

    What’s different?

    The best ‘Help Desk’ ever, John, really informative. But of what?

  13. Rip Ragged says:

    Alex listen. Nine no very bad. Heck. I miss pole by much and twenty many day.

    Alex speech: Woo-dee-fucking-doodly.

    There it is John. The very essence of the CARS experience distilled into one utterly meaningless string of syllables.

    That’s a keeper.

    I REM soon.

    P.S. It’s good to see Ugluk getting a help desk shot now and then. Keep his toes from getting stiff from disuse.

  14. redeyebase says:

    oh man, not event top 10 tonight. An Estonian with a Rastafarian accent?

  15. Panduemonium says:

    Ahh to be experienced of the Moltzian stream of consciousness… The numbers are meaningless… It truely is the stream– universal, stateless, except for the Estonians.

  16. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    Based on potatoes and cabbage, served with some pork meat served in Schnitzel, this is an attempt to open mouthes and brains to foreign cultures. Don’t forget to put lots of paprika.
    And beer, or some Tokaji.

    And women are beautiful, over there, some kind of slavonic beauty.

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    I found tonight’s help desk to be unfocused and confusing. I mean, who are CARS staff trying to offend with this edition? Are we laughing with or at someone?

  18. redeyebase says:

    Does this Estonian fixation have anything to do with DDoS?

  19. harriet says:

    I second Pron Dogs comment about Slovakian women. I once stepped on my tongue at a Slovakian beauty contest.

  20. Rip Ragged says:

    Ace Deuce,

    I’ve gone back and reread the post and the subsequent comments. CARS staff are not only trying, but succeeding in offending the semi-literate (See post #9). I recommend that in the future all commenters to CARS be tested and in some cases referred to a remedial remediation course.

    Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup.

  21. Cap'n All-American Eagle Joe Sam says:

    Bwahahahaha! Right on Sir! Slovakians, Slovenians, Estonians! Those losers! Some of them weigh actually less than 500 pounds! A handful of them can multiply one-digit numbers! A few can show Africa on the map! They don’t have an ego the size of Uranus! Hahahahaha, and their fifth language, English is just a tad worse than a Rrrrrreal Amrrrrican’s one and only language ever to be spoken! Let’s laugh about these poor losers some more! Right on! Atten-hut!

  22. Rip Ragged says:

    The easily offended are here, sir. They’ve brought axes which will require grinding. Should I show them in?

  23. Huh? says:

    Send them to the Col.
    He’ll take care of them…

  24. John Moltz says:

    Oh, not that I know who she is, but is Marketa Slovokian? Well, she’s not my favorite or anything. I’m more of an Erica Campbell fan. Not that I know who she is, either.

    Don’t get me wrong, if I knew who Marketa was I wouldn’t kick her out of bed for eating crackers.

    Or… or eating a live mouse…

    Or, uh…

    Well, you get the idea.

    Besides, all our valued outsourcing services provider said was that you’d like plump Slovakian woman. Imagine how much you’d like the thin ones.

  25. slovakian dude says:

    Hmmm. Zafira? IMDB has a one-liner (born in Hungary), no photo. Someone else thinks she’s a two-week-old (she is scantily clad). Two other sites think Zafira is a European car, one thinking it’s an Opel, the other thinking it’s a Vauxhall. No pix anywhere (except the two-week-old and the car). Marketa looks pretty good, though!

  26. slovakian dude says:

    And John… before you commit to Erica, best get a look at the mother.

  27. lurg says:

    to quote the famous Esto-slovakian Oscar Wilde, “all women turn into their mothers, that is their tragedy”

  28. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    The duck in the soup is part of the recept, but I have no idea where this live mouse comes from.
    Sure you didn’t ask some supplement topping ?
    I won’t charge for the mouse.

  29. Rip Ragged says:

    Ah. The topping. Fromage, canard, chausse-pied – it’s all the same.

  30. scared monster, better known as Le Chef De La Cuisine, says:

    All three can be served with a Sauce Béchamel
    but it’ll be a waste of time
    and of materials.

    I suggest not to eat, and drink liters of Médoc.

    Then, we’ll be able to answer correctly to this middle-european Help Desk.

    By the way, did you know that most of Hotlines in France are localised in Rumania ?

  31. OMGHAX says:

    If I was Estonian, I’d be named Skut.

  32. Hung Aryan says:

    I don’t really like Slovaks that much, but their chicks are hot. Even hotter are Czechs. Polish are nice as well. Slovenians… You won’t believe your eyes. Of course Hungarians are the best. Not that the story is offensive… it’s just off the mark. It’s bit as if you tried to knock the French for not making any good wine. Erm… the joke is just not working, okay?

  33. SADL says:

    Slovakian Anti-Defamation League herewith filing protest is!

  34. Walking Contradiction says:

    This week’s help desk made the following claim:

    This week’s Help Desk has been outsourced to cheap labor from indiscriminate countries with a loose grasp of the English language!

    Maybe it’s just me, but it didn’t seem to matter as the questioners also had a loose grasp of the English language! I guess that’s why no one seemed to have any difficulty in understanding the other.

    Meh. Sorry folks, it’s Monday. I hate Mondays.

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    Hung Aryan. BWAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA! Thank the maker I didn’t have my mouth full of pork rinds, Barry Manilow singing show tunes with the volume up real loud, painful hemorrhoids, and an angry hive of wasps in the room when I read that. That would have been too much. Also, I might have choked. On the pork rinds. Remember?

    I don’t like Mondays much myself. I used to have the hots for Wednesday, though.

  36. Ace Deuce says:

    Wednesday was okay, but I preferred Morticia.

  37. Mandrake says:

    Slovaks, sir? Hotties. I spent some time in southern California recently and thought the women were hot there, then got back to this part of the world and, well, dang. On the same trip I was in the pacific northwest and moved around in a daze of babe-deprivation. Crap, the girls look better in (the land formerly known as) East Germany.

    I think it’s pudding. Too much pudding.