Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

This week’s Help Desk has been outsourced to cheap labor from indiscriminate countries with a loose grasp of the English language!

Q: I am being troubled with the iMac! It always shut down with improper mood and rough abandon! Why it do this?!
A: You are being hit reset button with force of knee to the groin?
Q: No! All touches to machine are like those of effeminate Estonian man!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha! Estonians!
A: They are funny!
Q: Their derision provides spastic amusement!

Q: The iPod is the playing of music, but not the display of picture of iPhoto. iTunes is of right setting with harmony of connection, but transfer is as absent as attractive woman in Slovakian beauty contest.
A: Hmm. When plug of jack, is iPod of list with icon displayed with the certainty of arms akimbo?
Q: Uh… what?
A: When plug of jack… When iPod is in position of submission to USB male parts.
Q: Oh! Dirty intercourse of white cable!
A: Yes! There is icon of metal square with nipple.
Q: Metal square with nipple?! This being iPod of the shuffle!
A: Ack! My village elders to hit me with sticks of embarrassment!

Q: Apple’s Backup app, with terrible aforefront, will refuse the conduct, much as Slovenian women refuse the sex of their foul-breathed and grotesquely bearded men.
A: For Backup of the Apple, begin the pushing with roundly button of menu.
Q: It is with roundly Slovenian woman I would like to begin the pushing!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ha-ha!
A: Ha-ha!
Q: Ahhhhh… Seriously, though, once you’ve had a plump Slovenian chick you’ll never go back.
A: Oh, reaaaaallly…