23 May 07Woz Announces New Venture.

In a surprise move, Steve “Woz” Wozniak announced today that he was founding a new firm to compete with Apple, Inc., a company he started with Steve Jobs 30 years ago.

Like Apple, Wozniak’s PhonePhreaks Unlimited will market a line of handheld devices, computers, and phones. Unlike Apple, however, PU products will only incidentally be computing devices and telephones. Rather, Woz said he is poised to capture the hacking and pranking aesthetic.

“When you use the wPhone, you’ll receive a slight electric shock when it rings, unless you remember to enter ‘skcussboj’ every morning,” Wozniak said in a conversation overheard through a shotgun mike aimed near his backyard.

“Better still, you can set the device so that when someone asks you to see your wPhone, it will produce an ear-splitting shriek and an electric shock when they start messing with it. It’s awesome! Waaaaa!!! Ah-ha-ha!”

The wPhone will primarily work as a voicemail system, including a voicetree prepopulated with endless loops and Polish jokes. It will also allow the user to receive and place calls, but only to for-fee sex talk lines and Dr. Phil’s home phone.

A wWoz computer will be an aquarium full of mechanical fish, which will emit puns on a regular basis. A Woz Pro desktop model will only run Mac OS X in a form of emulation that experts haven’t yet figured out, but seems to involve BeOS, nuclear radiation, and cells scraped from Woz’s cheeks.

It is unclear whether Woz believes these products will actually compete with Apple offerings or if this is yet another prank. Or whether the idea of the products is a bigger prank than his production of them. Or if Wozniak is simply too inscrutable to fathom.

Analysts speculate that the firms hired to manufacture the PU products will find that when the schematics are turned into circuit boards, the metal traces will reveal a picture of Woz mooning Steve Jobs.

No Responses to “Woz Announces New Venture.”

  1. redeyebase says:

    wow, my first try went through … hmmm.. .but now i’m 4th

  2. redeyebase says:

    numbers are way off tonight.

  3. redeyebase says:

    wel, at least i’m not alone.

  4. Carbonfish says:

    That’s what I get for reading the thing before I jump on the bandwagon, even numbers.

    UNLUCKY even numbers…

  5. Carbonfish says:

    Eleven is two ones right next to each other.

  6. redeyebase says:

    what no spelling or punctuation errors tonight? Moltz, very good.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    John?

    Tell us a story!

  8. John Moltz says:

    Once upon a time there were three bears…

    And they all lived happily ever after.

    I only have time for the short version.

  9. OMGHAX says:

    I’d like a phone that when you were calling someone, you could press a button and it’d make orange juice come out the earpiece of the other phone!

  10. redeyebase says:

    Sounds like John doesn’t tell too many bedtime stories, eh?

  11. Ace Deuce says:

    The Smellephone will fail because owners will tire of replacing the odor cartridges.

  12. Nxxx says:

    What’s wrong with a Fartphone. When you feel flatulence coming on, phone a friend and share it.
    Sorry if I’ve spoilt tomorrow’s post John.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    When we were kids we used the old piece of string and soup can phone. Quite often the postman would ride into the string and come flying off his bike.

    Prank phones are yesterday’s gadget Woz. Move on man!

  14. Sudo Nym says:

    It seems to me that all the electric shocks would severely impair battery life, making a wPhone rather impractical.

    But Woz is a brilliant guy, so I’m thinking the wPhone will use some revolutionary new battery technology, or possibly cold fusion.

    Cold fusion would be cool.

  15. Moof says:

    Oh to be 21 again. Sigh. What Woz didn’t say is you have to stand in front of a mirror or play a record backwards while typing in the “code” every morning. I hope the wWoz has more than 32k ram. 48 or even 64k would be much better.

  16. NWJR says:

    And the screensaver is a pretty pink pony!

  17. Senioré Soosy says:

    “Wozniak said in a conversation overheard through a shotgun mike aimed near his backyard.”

    HILARIOUS!!!

  18. Senioré Soosy says:

    Oh, and once again I apologize for making a legitimate, straight forward, non-masturbatory “first” “second” etc, comment.

  19. blank says:

    Which cheeks are we talking about anyway?

  20. Anonymous says:

    woz is working on an app for it called the iwank

  21. eye says:

    i wank therefore i am
    blind

  22. Rip Ragged says:

    Wow. 28. That’s depressing. And I was REALLY interested in this piece. I mean I was INTENSELY engrossed in the whole concept. I”ve had these long delays up the ….

    Woz who?

  23. harry says:

    blind, right.
    hairy palms mate.

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