In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.

And…

Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

278 thoughts on “In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.”

  1. Yes, I know. Hedgehogs like to stay up all night watching the infomercials. Hide your credit cards!

  4. What is the point or are we trying to exceed poor old John’s bandwidth and cause numerous crashes?
    If not, I wont play.

  7. There’s Broadway, and then you have Off-Broadway, and even Off-Off-Broadway.

    This is Off-Off-Off-Off-CARS.

  11. You bring all the food, being the designated caterer. I’d like to order the rotisserie pheasant with garlic mashed potatoes and Orange Julius Caesar Salad.

    And monogrammed cloth napkins, if you have them.

  12. Nuthin’ here but cake. Cheesecake, Rumcake, Pineapple Upsidedown cake… Want some cake?

  15. DOc- All I have today is chocolate cheesecake with dark chocolate ganache (chocolate coating) Will that do?

  23. Ya’ll… that’s just gross. There is only so much you can do to a cheesecake before you wreck it’s cheesecakeiness. Don’t mess with the cheese. As is or none at all!

  26. I like all three flavors—but I’ll take the one with the highest fat content.

  34. This here Peta-Post has turned into the Food Network. So here is my recipe for Double-(or is it Triple?)Decker Adolescent Peanut Butter Sandwich:

    3 slices of bread (hopefully whole grain wheat)
    peanut butter (chunky style builds character)
    honey

    Put slice of bread on counter. Slather with peanut butter. Put another slice of bread on counter. Slather with honey. Flip honeyed sliced onto peanut buttered slice to make a typical sandwich form. Wait! You’re not done yet. Slather peanut butter onto top of sandwich. Put third slice of bread on counter. Slather with honey. Flip honeyed sliced onto top of sandwich.

    I now pronounce you spouse and sandwich. You may eat the sandwich, but you may want to start an exercise program of some sort.

  38. A large African or Indian walking billboard for the Vatican?
    A large African or Indian walking billboard for the Saltire?

  39. I can see it now two trucks crash into each other.

    Man1
    You got your elephant in my peanut butter.

    Man2
    You got your peanut butter on my elephant.

    They taste the concoction.

    Man1 & Man2 together:
    Two great tastes that taste great together

    I think we can sell this.

  42. If the toothpicks are to be ivory, then it must nestle in fresh killed tiger fur in a platinum box or soiled loo roll.

  43. I’m not sure that the result is too marketable, because you get either:

    An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth;

    or

    Peanut butter that never forgets.

  45. Not so. I well remember Susie, she was into Peanut Butter and I was too, only don’t use the crunchy version.

  48. But you were cured of your peanut butter habit, right Nxxx? I’d hate to see you in the tabloids with Amy Winehouse.

  49. Talking about Amy Winehouse, always feel there should be an ‘h’ inserted as the second letter, there’s a jump coming up.

  50. I’m not going to jump this time. I’ve decided to climb down to the bottom of the chasm, cross the river, then climb up the other side.

    See you in a few hours, if I don’t have any complications.

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