In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.

I regret to inform Crazy Apple Rumors Site readers that at exactly 6:15 PM PST tonight – as he predicted three years ago would happen – the Entity achieved complete particle singularity and was accelerated out of this plane of existence to an unknown destination.

He was 43.

That’s revolutions around the galactic core. Not years.

Now, it might seem like he does that kind of thing all the time, so what’s the big deal? It’s not like he’s dead. He can’t die. He’s pure energy.

And that was my attitude until I asked the guy at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories “OK, so, when is he going to be back?” And the dude acted like I was some kind of idiot. He was really kind of a dick about it.

“Ha-ha! He’s not coming back! He’s achieved particle singularity! You don’t come back from that! Ha-ha! ‘Come back’! Hey, Larry, did you hear that? What a maroon!”

Uh, well, excuse me, jackwad. Maybe you could be a little less of a dill hole because I just just lost my boss and my friend. Not to mention my meal ticket.

He also functioned as a night light. All glowy all the time.

And – and I know we probably shouldn’t have – but you could use him as a soldering iron. And a bug zapper.

And one time – oh, my god, this was so funny – we used him to make fajitas. We were so drunk.

And another time we hooked him up to a Power Mac and used him as a scanner.

Oh, and he could read floppy disks.


Anyway, the Enity’s sudden departure has left us in something of an uncomfortable position financially.

‘Cause, uh, he had the check book.

Actually had the pen, too, now that I think about it.

It’s not like we’re broke or anything, but there are at least going to have to be some cutbacks. For starters, no more hosted bar for the Help Desk. And Ugluk is not going to continue to expense his clubs. And Thor’s going to downgrade his company car from a Lamborghini to a Porsche.

More immediately, as a cost-cutting measure, the staff and I have agreed to the next week off without pay, during which I’ll try to put together a budget. Maybe we’ll do a bake sale.

Or rob a bank. Do people still rob banks? It’s all hacking these days.

I just can’t believe the guy’s gone. I keep expecting him to float in here, blurt out a couple of nonsensical phrases and then eat all the Baked Lays out of the vending machine.

Now there’s just that big burn mark he left on the wall over his desk from all the radiation pouring out from his hood.

Which, incidentally, makes me really reluctant to cut back on the employee medical coverage.

Well… see you next Wednesday.

I think.

278 thoughts on “In Lieu of Flowers, Send Plutonium To The Arcturus Nebula.”

  1. Whoa, it’s hard to believe I beat everyone else by taking the long way. At any rate, I don’t recommend it, due to the rattlesnakes and scorpions down there. Plus, someone’s been dumping trash off the cliff, by the look of it. There’s an old Volvo upside down in the creek, which was nice for me since I didn’t have to get my feet wet.

    Where is everybody?

  2. Ace,
    You knew I was behind you, so why take all the safety ropes and fixing points out as you went down? Good job that I landed on the Volvo or I might have hurt myself.

  3. What kept you? I’ve been waiting for, like… uhhh… Nxxx, you got a little Volvo on you.

  4. Sorry, Nxxx, I thought you were going to beta-test that jet-pack that I sent to you.

    I got out of the jet-pack beta-test program after the unfortunate incident at the air show.

  5. I’m busy training a feral rock dove to fly over the next jump with me attached.
    Doctor recommends a diet of celery and syrup of figs. Should have it perfected in 95 posts time.

  6. I’m so glad we’ve got this food post with all these culinary experts, because I have a problem. I’m catering a dinner party Monday night and I can’t remember what wine goes with corndogs.

    Any suggestions would be appreciated.

  7. The answer is Earl Scruggs. He sang, “Hot corn, cold corn, bring along a demijohn.
    What time do you want the CARS posters to arrive?

  8. I’m not acquainted with Earl Scruggs Wine. Is it red, white or bluegrass? Does it come in a box or a bottle?

    Where can I get a case?

    I did try Lester Flatt Champagne once, but it was … uhh … flat. I should have read the label more carefully.

  9. Ace,
    Follow these instructions carefully:-

    Down the road from me, there’s an old hollow tree, where I lay me down a dollar or two. Go round the bend and come back again for a jug full of good old mountain dew.

    Brilliant paint and tonsil stripper.

  10. Well, the dinner party never happened. The guests apparently heard there would be corn dogs and started calling in sick. Too bad, because I’d picked out a nice vintage Kool-Aid.

  11. Kool Aid…

    That reminds me of what I heard on NPR this morning: the discoverer of LSD (Albert Hofmann) died recently. He was over 100.

  12. Gee, if God is dead, I hope he can sneak through the Pearly Gates, because that St. Peter is very picky.

  13. Probably because he frocked too many people after taking a vow of celibacy.

  14. Don’t be silly Ace, how can you wear a donut or bagel on your head?

    Ermm. There is a certain Je ne sais quoi………………………………………

  15. See? I leave for a little while and the conversation STILL comes back to food! And I thought it was just me…

  16. Please, just one cookie per customer!

    [chocolate chip cookie]
    [chocolate chip cookie] [chocolate chip cookie]
    [chocolate chip cookie] [chocolate chip cookie] [chocolate chip cookie]
    [chocolate chip cookie] [snickerdoodle] [chocolate chip cookie] [chocolate chip cookie]

  17. If we cannot choose how many cookies we wish to acquire, we are not customers, just your playthings.
    That’s a bit deep for a Sunday Morning. Think I’ll go back to bed.

  18. He’s not in your bedroom; he’s in the kitchen.

    With Dinah.

    Strummin’ on the old banjo.

  19. Once again, obscure music-related comments have caused observers to be dumbfounded. We need to get back onto the hot topic: food.

    What tastes good?

  20. Ace,
    I signed on to dumbfound.
    Why aren’t you lisping?
    Should that be tysping as it only affects your typing?

  21. Food News:

    I have a chocolate-flavored candy cane on my desk, waiting to be stirred into the next cup of coffee that comes along.

  22. That’s a good item. Stirring, actually.

    My food observation is that someone in my neighborhood is barbecuing some kind of meat. I can tell because the aroma is wafting about on the breeze.

  23. Peta-Post, I pity you. You crawl through the muck in a vain attempt to attain immortality, but you never shall. Give it up, loser!

  24. Where’s the fighting spirit of the Marines, the Pony Express, the Go West, Young Man, the Moon Landings?

  25. The fighting spirit is in session with a mediator. It went off its testosterone regimen.

  26. Wake up, Sir.
    I am afraid that Peta Post Bye Laws forbid sleeping until Post 544.
    Now move along Sir or I’ll have to arrest you.
    I’m sorry Sir, it is more than my jobs worth to accept a bribe, besides it’s not enough.

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