10 Jul 07Apple To Offer New MagSafe Product.

In a surprise announcement today, Apple said that it is working to bring its signature ease of use and design aesthetic to a whole new line of consumer products using its MagSafe technology.

CEO Steve Jobs said today that, pending FDA approval, the company will begin shipping MagSafe condoms in time for the holiday prophylactic-buying season.

“Prophylactics are too difficult to use,” Jobs said. “First, they’re hard to open. And when you’re about to get physical with some lovely lady, you don’t want to have to spend all that time rolling one on.

“We call it the Apple Skin, because it feels like skin. And I’d love to show it to you now.”

Jobs then reached toward the waistband of his pants causing a collective gasp from the gathered members of the press. Their gasps turned to sighs of relief, however when Jobs merely pulled an ordinary banana from one pocket and a sheer, silvery black condom from the other.

“Because of the Apple Skin’s anti-bacterial, anti-static surface, it will never pick up germs or dirt, so it doesn’t need to be wrapped,” Jobs said.

Jobs then demonstrated how the Apple Skin is applied. Holding the banana in an erect fashion close to the Apple Skin, the condom literally jumped the distance and slid effortlessly onto the phallic fruit.

“And because it’s MagSafe,” Jobs said, “you’re safe. You’re ensured a snug, comfortable fit no matter how clumsy a lover you are.”

For reasons unknown, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell suddenly burst into applause before trailing off uncomfortably when no one joined in.

Several Apple sites are organizing a letter writing campaign to encourage the FDA to approve the Apple Skin as soon as possible. Lines have already begun to form outside Apple Stores across the country.

No Responses to “Apple To Offer New MagSafe Product.”

  1. Nxxx says:

    Having now read it, I shall retire, blushing.

    BTW Ace, Where art thou?

  2. fatbo says:

    iThird.

  3. fatbo says:

    where’s the phil schiller demo?

    also: iPWN!

  4. Yourmedic says:

    I’m betting there won’t be a nano version.

  5. fatbo says:

    maybe for schiller.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Good morning Nxxx. I was putting gang graffiti on my cinema display when I realized I have no gang affiliation, and further was voiding my warranty.

    CARS staff has one nasty piece of reporting here. Hasn’t Apple heard of abstinence-only protection? It’s been proven not to work, which should be good enough for anybody.

  7. K. D. Cline says:

    Please, let me be Number Nine. Oh yeah, Nice post John. Very socially responsible.

  8. K. D. Cline says:

    Damn.

    Oh please let me be Number Nine.

  9. K. D. Cline says:

    That’s more like it…

  10. Carl says:

    11 is like magnetic sex

  11. Huh? says:

    Wonder if there will be an Apple Skin Pro?
    You know, for the professional users who need more, um…

    Right.

  12. redeyebase says:

    Aargh… swept away again.

  13. NKOTB Fanatic says:

    Silly Apple fanboys. For half the price of an Apple iSkin, I could make my own prophylactic using a piece of a plastic garbage bag and a rubber band. Best of all, I can customize it however I want. I pasted a pic of Tux on it because women like penguins so I’m sure that’ll help me interface with non-anime women.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    The name iSkin is already taken by the…iSkin people.

    I suggest iKnob as a name for this product.

  15. pauldwaite says:

    But can you run Linux on it. That is the most important thing.

  16. Rev says:

    iScumbag.
    But seriously, Moltz. I get a little pissy when you come up with an idea this good and it’s just a hopeless haha.

  17. Henry says:

    “Jobs then reached toward the waistband of his pants (…)”

    Hmm – I guess here is where the pants indipendence ends…

    18th!

  18. Rip Ragged says:

    Damn. This bubblegum tastes funny.

  19. 21, 22, 23 says:

    What accessories come with it? And can it be used with third party developers?

  20. fatbo says:

    as with most apple hardware products, Apple Skin will be a closed system.

  21. blank says:

    Wouldn’t a guy need balls of iron (or some other ferrous material) for this to work? I know I’m not magnetic down there, so to speak. I mean, there’s the “animal magnetism” angle, but that doesn’t involve physics–it’s more biological.

    I’ve heard Thor has such balls, but suspect it’s only a figure of speech. What a guy, though!

  22. Anomynous says:

    The problem with a mag-safe condom is that it will come off anytime someone trips over the cord.

    I don’t think Apple wants to be responsible for the resulting accidental pregnancies.

  23. UhhhDude says:

    iRaincoat?

    iJimmyHat?

    iRubber?

    (Although I didn’t realize one would need protection while fantasizing about Laura Croft or Sailor Moon, or some other computer-generated female.)

    Well, here’s where I get off.

    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG

  24. ZED says:

    @UhhhDude – Are you the guy who’s always sticking his consonants where they don’t belong (ie out of the lines)? VERY un-tidy. I think you need an AppleSkin to contain your verbal overflow…

  25. Sosumi says:

    After the keynote, as Jobs left the stage, lightning shot out of his ass and Phil Schiller no longer required a haircut.

  26. Cap'n Groucho says:

    Come on folks! What about the follow-up story about Microsoft bringing out their version later this year (or maybe first quarter next year)? Do I have to do it all for you?
    And, since nuts have kernels, what about speculation on the sudden increase of … kernel panics?
    And how they’ll use Velcro to attach theirs since its more environmentally friendly?
    Have I missed anything?

  27. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    “We call it the Apple Skin, because it feels like skin. And I’d love to show it too you now.”

    Shouldn’t that be “two?” 😉

  28. UhhhDude says:

    And in related tech news, Microsoft announced its answer to the AppleSkin, Apple’s latest foray into MagSafe applications.

    The product, named SheepSkin 1.0, is designed with a microfiber version of Velcro. According to CEO Bill Gates, Microsoft’s SheepSkin “won’t hurt nearly as much as the sandpaper prototype we considered at the outset.”

    Gate refused to conifrm rumors that Sheepskin utilizes some of the same wi-fi technology used by its Zune music player. “No, I can’t comment on whether the SheepSkin has ‘Squirting’ technology,” said Gates.

    Other rumor sites reported many problems in the beta testing of the SheepSkin, including abrasions, chafing, and the so-called Blue Pee-Pee of Death.

  29. nonlinearG says:

    The obvious: iCon

  30. Rip Ragged says:

    I’m wondering if Flying J truck stops will have exclusive licensing for the vending machines.

  31. Cap'n Groucho says:

    Uhhh – thanks – Dude! The squirting question only occurred to me afterwards. 🙂

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