In a surprise announcement today, Apple said that it is working to bring its signature ease of use and design aesthetic to a whole new line of consumer products using its MagSafe technology.
CEO Steve Jobs said today that, pending FDA approval, the company will begin shipping MagSafe condoms in time for the holiday prophylactic-buying season.
“Prophylactics are too difficult to use,” Jobs said. “First, they’re hard to open. And when you’re about to get physical with some lovely lady, you don’t want to have to spend all that time rolling one on.
“We call it the Apple Skin, because it feels like skin. And I’d love to show it to you now.”
Jobs then reached toward the waistband of his pants causing a collective gasp from the gathered members of the press. Their gasps turned to sighs of relief, however when Jobs merely pulled an ordinary banana from one pocket and a sheer, silvery black condom from the other.
“Because of the Apple Skin’s anti-bacterial, anti-static surface, it will never pick up germs or dirt, so it doesn’t need to be wrapped,” Jobs said.
Jobs then demonstrated how the Apple Skin is applied. Holding the banana in an erect fashion close to the Apple Skin, the condom literally jumped the distance and slid effortlessly onto the phallic fruit.
“And because it’s MagSafe,” Jobs said, “you’re safe. You’re ensured a snug, comfortable fit no matter how clumsy a lover you are.”
For reasons unknown, senior vice president of the iPod division Tony Fadell suddenly burst into applause before trailing off uncomfortably when no one joined in.
Several Apple sites are organizing a letter writing campaign to encourage the FDA to approve the Apple Skin as soon as possible. Lines have already begun to form outside Apple Stores across the country.