11 Jul 07Griffin Introduces iPhone Stylus.

In a press release issued today, Griffin Technology announced the imPress, the first stylus specifically designed for the Apple iPhone.

The announcement was significant enough to draw praise from Chet Pipkin, president and CEO of Belkin, a Griffin competitor.

“Because Multitouch requires the contact of a human finger, we thought it couldn’t be done,” said Pipkin. “But they pulled it off. My hat is off to them.”

Despite earning the admiration of its competitors, the Griffin press release about the imPress contains some disturbing details.

As Apple has indicated, the human finger is the only thing that can reliably drive the iPhone’s Multitiouch interface. For this reason, the imPress consists of a real human fingertip at the end of a sturdy black pen made of advanced composite materials.

Derek Stembridge, vice president of Griffin marketing, confirmed that the imPress used actual human digits.

“Please, just don’t ask me where we got them,” Stembridge said.

“Really. You don’t want to know. I mean, I don’t even want to know. But no matter how badly I scratch my scalp, I just… I can’t seem to get that memory out of my head! Ha-ha!”

Stembridge then began scratching at his head, which was already covered in thick scabs.

“I’ll get it out eventually!” he cackled.

Sources in the retail channel claim the fingers came from Mexican day laborers. But one source who has worked closely with Griffin in the past but declined to be identified told reporters that the fingertips came from young, aspiring country/western performers who were lured into Griffin’s Nashville showroom.

OK, it was Shawn King.

No Responses to “Griffin Introduces iPhone Stylus.”

  1. Nxxx says:

    First second time this week, do you want my snail mail address for the million dollar prize John?
    No post tomorrow though, Friday 13th.

  2. greenacres says:

    4th! Damn, and I haven’t responded in sooooo long. Is there a ladyfinger version, too?

  3. Don of Doom says:

    So Dvorak finally gave the iPhone the finger??

  4. Trevor says:

    I’ll take 6 of them.

  5. Ace Deuce says:

    I have found that toes work as well as fingers, and the small ones are fairly expendable. I should think that Griffin would give a discount or rebate to those who supplied their own digits for the custom styli.

  6. fatbo says:

    imPress your friends with your iPWN!

  7. K. D. Cline says:

    Nine. Well that was disturbing John. Thanks man…

  8. fatbo says:

    it wasn’t disturbing john. just regular john. disturbing john is much, much worse.

    commas, dude.

  9. Carl says:

    I was born with 11 fingers. Counting the one in my pants.

  10. Huh? says:

    Here’s my post.

    Now everyone can get or give the finger!

    Ya know, I thought the whole ‘ha-ha!’ thing would have been funnier…
    You make it look so easy, John.

  11. redeyebase says:

    asleep again… my bad.

  12. Chris says:

    How do they keep the fingertips from drying out and decomposing?

    Speaking of decomposing, is it just me, or are John’s photoshop skillz getting worse?

  13. Jess says:

    Will there be a version for the iPhone Nano as well? 🙂

  14. Miiphone says:

    When you’re not using the stylus, you have to wrap it in the iWrap and then put that in the iFreezer. That’s to insure it doesn’t decompose.

    As for the iPhone Nano’s version… I really don’t want to tell you where those are comming from… though I will tell you… rumor has it… whores send their unwanted children too Apple. What Apple does with them no body knows…

    Oh yeah and, I just got mine. While I was using it, the whole damn thing kept twitching! Apple should have killed it before shipping it (but I guess that would have counted as cruel and unusual punishment… go figure.)

  15. The Incredible Mr says:

    I’m sure they didn’t just pull it off, they probably cut it off.

  16. John Moltz says:

    What is this “Photoshop” of which you speak?

  17. blank says:

    Shawn King, hmmm. I would have thought this was finally the answer to what happened to Jack Miller.

  18. Streetrabbit says:

    Is the nail still growing? I couldn’t take that kind of maintenance in my life right now.

  19. Mexican Day Laborers says:

    NegarĂ­amos que Apple utilizĂł nuestros dedos, excepto que es duro mecanografiar sin ellos.

  20. greenacres says:

    I just found a John Moltz post on this site: (it is a funny post)

  21. Cap'n Groucho says:

    Will it be okay to apply a little moisturiser now and again? That would stop it drying out…

  22. snip says:

    Looks like the cost of my manicures is going to be a bit higher from now on…

  23. Rip Ragged says:

    Oh great. Now my wife is going to want an iPhone for sure.

  24. Zo says:

    Eeew – gross. Again.

    Just saying.

  25. i know for a fact that a banana stem will work on the iphone multitouch screen. . . dont ask why i know, just try it.

  26. Fine Diner says:

    Just buy a bowl of chili, then you to can have one at no extra charge.

  27. Nice blog, i have added it to my favourites, greetings