Apple Releases Anti-Patches for Critics

Annoyed by various manufactured criticisms such as the myths that Apple does not give credit to security researchers and that the iPhone battery will die after 400 charges, Apple has announced a new program of anti-patches. According to the company, anti-patches will be delivered solely to the desktops of the jackasses, goobers and ass clowns who populate the anti-Apple web.

Apple’s senior vice president of software Bertrand Serlet said, “The anti-patches will make complainers’ systems function more and more poorly, causing them to be both less secure and more prone to crashing.”

“Many of these complainers go to great lengths to claim that they love their Macs. Yes, well, try to tell us you love them as your files disappear, mouse motion becomes erratic, and your IP and open ports are advertised on IRC channels. Jackasses!

“But the best part,” Serlet added, “is that thanks to Apple Software Update for Windows, we can deliver anti-updates to anyone who’s installed iTunes or QuickTime.”

Apple’s plan has drawn fire from critics.

“Listen, if I want to keep any bugs I find to myself, or perhaps sell them to former Soviet agents, that’s my business,” said David Maynor, widely known for not revealing what he did then didn’t claim were major flaws in Apple’s Wi-Fi drivers one year ago.

“And now Apple is going to make my kernel panic every five hours as revenge? Well, screw them!”

Maynor then attempted to post a blog entry from his MacBook Pro, which had powered down its fan an hour before, leading him to scald his palms.

“Ow! Son of a bitch!”

Serlet declined to comment on rumors that, in lieu of delivering anti-patches to John Dvorak, Apple was just going to stick some angry muskrats down his shorts.