12 Jul 07Apple Releases Anti-Patches for Critics

Annoyed by various manufactured criticisms such as the myths that Apple does not give credit to security researchers and that the iPhone battery will die after 400 charges, Apple has announced a new program of anti-patches. According to the company, anti-patches will be delivered solely to the desktops of the jackasses, goobers and ass clowns who populate the anti-Apple web.

Apple’s senior vice president of software Bertrand Serlet said, “The anti-patches will make complainers’ systems function more and more poorly, causing them to be both less secure and more prone to crashing.”

“Many of these complainers go to great lengths to claim that they love their Macs. Yes, well, try to tell us you love them as your files disappear, mouse motion becomes erratic, and your IP and open ports are advertised on IRC channels. Jackasses!

“But the best part,” Serlet added, “is that thanks to Apple Software Update for Windows, we can deliver anti-updates to anyone who’s installed iTunes or QuickTime.”

Apple’s plan has drawn fire from critics.

“Listen, if I want to keep any bugs I find to myself, or perhaps sell them to former Soviet agents, that’s my business,” said David Maynor, widely known for not revealing what he did then didn’t claim were major flaws in Apple’s Wi-Fi drivers one year ago.

“And now Apple is going to make my kernel panic every five hours as revenge? Well, screw them!”

Maynor then attempted to post a blog entry from his MacBook Pro, which had powered down its fan an hour before, leading him to scald his palms.

“Ow! Son of a bitch!”

Serlet declined to comment on rumors that, in lieu of delivering anti-patches to John Dvorak, Apple was just going to stick some angry muskrats down his shorts.

No Responses to “Apple Releases Anti-Patches for Critics”

  1. UhhhDude says:


  2. comacnut says:

    Two little ponies.

  3. Huh? says:

    My Mac is looking at me funny.
    I’m not sure I trust it any….

  4. buthidae says:

    Top four finish!

  5. Mykie says:


    And muskrats down Dvorak’s pants isn’t punishment, it’s just a regular Thursday for him.

  6. buthidae says:

    Also, muskrats go great with a red wine sauce.

    Just make sure they’re dead first, boy, that’s gotten me a few times! I didn’t have egg on my face, but it sure was goopy…

  7. I’ll probably wind up six. But just in case, FIVE!

  8. Nxxx says:

    Well first three days running would be a bit much……………

    John, are these anti-patches anything like those nice anti-pastas you get in restaurants?

  9. baxtrice says:

    jackasses, goobers and assclowns, OH MY!

  10. UhhhDude says:

    Releasing an EMP would also be a great anti-patch. Guy wants to trash Apple, he gets all his electronics turned to Jell-O in return.


  11. redeyebase says:

    oops.. missed top 10 again. now on to reading.

  12. UhhhDude, please keep your electric enunciations within the margins.

  13. K. D. Cline says:


    Your BBBBBBBBBBBBBBZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ streamed out of my browser window and knocked a lamp off of the table…

    I liked that lamp man. My people will be in touch.

  14. Ace Deuce says:

    My Mac is so insecure it asks to be disconnected from the cable modem every night, and then wants to be tucked in with a nightlight left on.

  15. UhhhDude says:

    Sure…have your people talk to my people.

  16. NKOTB Fanatic says:

    I hope Apple is doing the right thing and commissioning Microsoft to develop these anti-patches, because who would be better for the job than them?

  17. fatbo says:

    finally, the PC-fanboys will get what they deserve: a solid iPWNing.

  18. Carbonfish says:


    I was thinking more along these lines.


  19. Carbonfish says:


    John! Help!! I frakked-up my code again. Put quotes around my URL would you, or just take that target=_blank off of there? Thanks.

    You got a walk this time UhhhDude, but if I hadn’t borked my code you would have felt the fury of the lawsuit of bats.

    Of course, if you want to see my posse, just remove everything after “index.html” on the URL of the 404 page you’ll get when you click my screwed up link.

  20. Rip Ragged says:

    Angry Muskrats. Jackasses, assclowns, and goobers.

    John, you’re really lucky that Maynor and Dvorak don’t read this stuff. Because if they did, and word got out, well, you’d be ruined.

    I thought the anti-patches were already out there. Word? Entourage? Power Point?

  21. Klayman says:

    or worse. Messenger for Mac anyone? ::shudders::

  22. Scott says:

    The true irony, of course, is that after they install the Anti-Patches, they will have more reason to gripe and whine and generally make ass clowns of themselves so Apple will be justified in putting out more anti-patches.

    Where does an ass clown wear it’s makeup anyway…

  23. Moof says:

    I don’t get it. Do the patches install Windows or something?

  24. pauldwaite says:

    Hope they don’t accidentally deliver any anti-patches to Grubers instead of goobers. That could be embarrassing.

  25. Anomynous says:

    Ferrets in Dvorak’s pants would be far more amusing.

    Also, find the errors in these sentences:
    “widely known for not revealing what he did then didn’t claim were major flaws in Apple’s Wi-Fi drivers one year ago.”

    “And now Apple is going to make my kernel panic every five hours as revenge?”

    I’ll give you a hint: one is a punctuation error and the other is not.

  26. Rip Ragged says:

    If Apple makes my kernel panic, you’ll know about it.

  27. nonlinearG says:

    Make-up for ass clowns? Where does the bluetooth red nose go?

  28. blank says:

    General Fault still out-ranks Kernel Panic. Good thing too!

  29. UhhhDude says:

    My people have their JDs, same as yours. They just like to dress that way in their spare time.

  30. ha says:

    scald palms =funny!!

  31. K. D. Cline says:


    AHHHHhhhhhh. Check. Well, I guess it all comes down to a “Bar” fight…

    (get it?)

  32. Major Flatus says:

    Not fair to muskrats.

  33. Del says:

    I know I’m a little late on this one, but just so you know Apple contracted me to supply the Muskrats. Dvorak is in for a little surprise. Due to the NDA I signed I can’t tell you what the secret ingredients are in the iMuskrat. Let’s just say that a rabid giraffe may or may not be involved.