Time Off.

As there were some bad feelings over my escapades with the Swedish women’s gymnastic team in the company break room, I’ve decided to give the staff the rest of the week off. I think with John off exploring the wonderful world of waffles, it’s a good idea to let everyone rest up as much as possible since he’ll probably be being chased by hordes of killer automatons when he gets back.

And we’ll be doing a little weapons training next week so I want everyone to be alert. Not like the last time.

Also, the Norwegian women’s volleyball team arrives in an hour and I thought it would be best just to clear everyone out.

I understand it’s traditional to not leave you without something to talk about and, never fear, I have something prepared. Your homework is to discuss the following equation.

Please show your work.

56 thoughts on “Time Off.”

  1. Steve Ballmer is the love child of Dick “Shoot Your Friend in the Face” Cheney and Richard “Shorty” Simmons?

  2. My great uncle fought and died in WW1?

    Come on Moltz, we all know it’s an excuse. Go and get a drink to refresh your two muses.

  3. Man, I thought I saw some tough equations in college, but this one really makes my head spin. I just can’t look at it any more.

    Where’s the aspirin?

  4. After a long night of sweet love down by the fire with Dick Cheney, Richard Simmons Mattress coded Windows Vista. Nine months later, he gave birth to a brown Zune saying, “Welcome to the Social Disease.”

    And the masses chanted, “Developers, developers, developers!”, right before killing them all and grinding their bones to make their bread.

  5. Aspirin…geez…where’s the vicodin… imean the full bottle… a little sky sounds good too.. though not the whole bottle.

  6. Love Blooms in the Bunker
    by Lord Percy Percy

    Richard was still all aflutter. “I’ll never forget the night his minions came for me. At least I think they were minions. Do minions have black, bat-like wings and flit about the room like escapes from a Ray Harryhausen movie? Oh, Mr. Cheney, yes. He was so… forceful and masculine. His boys roughed me up and brought me to the Cheney Lair — built with Halliburton funds left over from the Secret Brothel — oh I wasn’t supposed to tell that to the Christians. But I declare! Once I got a good look at his Military Industrial Complex, I got out of there as quick as my little legs could take a body!”

  7. I… uh. I’d think… ummm…
    It’s a.. It’s a…. It’s a…

    No, that can’t be right.
    Not right at all, I tell you.

  8. “An Inconvenient Truth” + “Hillary Health Care” = Windows Vista

    Proof: A product that lies about solving all problems.

  9. No hair + poofy hair = no hair?

    That can’t be right. I’m stuck. Can I copy off someone?

    Oh, wait… maybe I’ve got something:

    Surly and maniacal + overly energetic = crazy, ranting loon

    But, of course, I can’t prove any of this. Damn!

  10. Dickwad + Scary weirdo = AHH sweating armpits & constant reapeating of words that make you sweat so much in your armpits & make your vocal cords pop!!!!!!!!!!!

  11. That is WAY too scary to even think about, let alone talk about.

    Double Elevenses again, BTW.

  12. This is the financial model for microsnot and represents costs to users.

    The = should have been

  13. Much of the equation cancels each other out.

    Heartless killer + total wimp = 0
    Vulcan + emotional basket case = 0
    Motionless robot + ( Jazzercising fool + aerobic maniac) = Below Average Dancer
    Thinks he’s right * Thinks he’s right = Thinks he’s right ^2
    Creationism + Evolution = some sort of Missing Link/Monkey Boy

    You would get an Overconfident Dancing Monkey Boy Double Zero.

  14. Dick Cheney would never mate with Richard Simmons, therefore, Simmons simply reproduced asexually and the error, um, offspring is Ballmer.

  15. The correct equation would be John Kerry + Richard Simmons = Steve Ballmer.

    Lying Flip-flopper plus dick flopper = Ballmer

  16. cheney + simmons = ballmer
    cheney + simmons – simmons = ballmer – simmons
    cheney = balmer – simmons

    So… ballmer whose evil and fucks people in the ass, minus simmons who only fucks people in the ass, equals cheney therefore proving cheney is evil…

  17. A difficult equation to analyze. In the end, it all depends on who was the mother (or who laid the egg, whatever).

    1+1=2+2=4+4=8+8=16+16=32+32=64+64=128+128=256+256=512+512=1024+1024=2048+2048=4096+4096=8192+8192=16384+DICKCHENEY+RICHARDSIMMONS=STEVEBALLMER

  18. One guy who shoots in the face plus one guy who shoots in the face equals one guy who can’t shoot straight.

  19. The integral of the Ballmer function from Cheny to Simmons and you get…(working on it) Sigh, the end of everything as we know it. Global Warming from the oil + aerobics = sweat, Hurricanes from the expletives %@%$ + blowing = hot air…and on and on…

  20. Wow! This site still exists? I remember reading it regularly some forgotten years ago, before I realized it just isn’t funny to me. Now that fake steve – he’s a riot!

  21. Wow you libs are as lame as ever. When this stuff ever gets even remotely funny, give me a call…

  22. I think Yawn needs to lighten up a bit.

    This is about hating Microsoft, which is completely bipartisan.

  23. Yes. Hating Microsoft occurs on both sides of the aisle, in and out of the closet.

    It’s just one of the things we do here. We even let assholes hate MS with us. We aren’t picky.

  24. Funny? This isn’t funny. This is serious business.

    If it wasn’t for sites like this and TV shows like Hard Copy there’d be monkey men running around all over the place. Completely unnoticed. Blending into society. Heck you could even marry a monkey being and not even know it.

  25. Streetrabbit is correct. CARS represents the kind of sober, responsible, thought-provoking journalism that call to mind the days of Walter Winchell and Jerry Mahoney. As Edward R. Murrow once said,”Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world doesn’t mean you are wiser than when it reached only to the end of the bar.”

    And he meant it, too.

  26. Rip, you’re so erudite, and I mean that in a nice way. But I think you meant Walter Matthau and Jerry Lewis. Or Shari Lewis and Topo Gigio.

    Or maybe Humpty and Brinkley?

  27. Are there Republicans that still pretend Cheney isn’t an evil retard*? Are they already in the fallout bunker?

    *a deadly combination, as generally the Republicans and Democrats can only recruit the evil or the retarded, to have found Cheney was obviously a coups and undoubtedly the reason GWB is President.

  28. Whoa, whoa, break it up, break it up, youse republicans, get back across the line on the Wintel side of the street. All youse crazy Apple liberal people back on the Mactel side of the street, I don’t want to see anymore fighting.

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