13 Aug 07A week off.

With every day we draw closer to our prey. When we last reported in, we were working our way to the Waffle Triangle. It was there that we caught our first glimpse of the Entity attempting to reenter our dimension.

He was just a ghostly form, floating above the syrup bar. Kind of like Shatner in “The Tholian Web”. Except without the truss. I started to reach out for him but just then Madge came back with my side order of bacon and I was like “Ooh, bacon!” And then I looked up and he was gone.

But since then we’ve seen him five other times and we’ve identified a pattern to his appearances. It’s a swirling pattern coming out from the Waffle Triangle, like a great spiral galaxy.

Or, like water going down the toilet bowl.

Anyway, I’ve asked the staff to take the rest of the week off from the serious business of rumors to evaluate the pattern and plot the waffle restaurants in his path.

You know, you might think that after all these weeks I’d be tired of waffles and greasy pork products but, well, you’d be wrong.

So far the metal monstrosities that threaten the human race have yet to attack the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters (and they laughed at me when I insisted it be top-secret!). But my understanding is they’ve already begun their horrific rampage, so surely some of you have seen these dreadful creatures. Please tell your stories of your encounters in the comments.

CARS will return on Monday the 20th.

25 Responses to “A week off.”

  1. arcsine says:

    GrooveyBrent… hmmmm? Could he be one of dem mechanical monsters – already doing damage – he takes my well deserved First, that darned mechanical rat – goovey indeed!

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    How convenient that the Entity disappeared when the weather in Tacoma is at its most summery.

    My house has been invaded by a metallic wind-up toy that advances steadily emitting horrific sparks and then … slowly … peters out.

  3. Carbonfish says:

    There is nothing I dislike more that winding up an even number, and for that reason I will probably save my comment for five.

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Ha HA!

    So wait a minute Moltz… are you saying that the Entity is, for the time being, at the total and complete mercy of something as capricious as the frakking Coriolis effect?

    Damn, that’s tricky.

    Spiral-y huh?.. Damn.

  5. Huh? says:

    As long as you don’t pull an AtAT on us, John.

    We WILL hunt you down for that.
    I’m not sure who ‘we’ are, but it will at least be my Pants™ and myself.

  6. redeyebase says:

    my, my. top 10 and without trying. CARS is truly crazy. Don’t you love it?

  7. Jay in the iom says:

    No metal monstrosities in the isle of man I am pleased to report

    No Waffle restaurants either, so maybe that’s why?

  8. Muzicianx says:

    I’ve had that spiral-y-ness feeling after waffles before. Or maybe it was just gas. Metal monstrosities are welcome to my home.

  9. Nxxx says:

    I failed to say “Good Morning, little people.” whilst going over The Fairy Bridge in the Isle of Man (No waffle bars allowed except Tynwald) during TT week. The oil tank fell off. There ARE mysterious mechanical forces out there.

  10. ryan says:

    The Neon Lights pulsate with a deafening hum,
    somewhere in the store a microwave was beeping,
    its food irradiation task completed.
    “That will be floor mating heaven.”
    “What?!?” you stammer, broken from your haze.

    “FOUR EIGHTY SEVEN,” the clerk repeated impatiently.
    Is piercing stare told you he knew, it must be obvious.
    Cool beads of sweat pool on your forehead as you dig for your wallet.
    You barely free it from your pocket and almost drop it.
    Searching through it, you produce a $5 and set it down.

    The clerks head swells and waves and the register rings.
    He scuffles though the contents of an overstuffed drawer.
    Further delays cause customers behind you to murmur impatiently.
    They all know too.. escape is inevitable.

    Gathering your things you head out the door,
    you haven’t time to even put your wallet back.
    The clerk tries to get your attention as you leave…
    something about change… he is very insistent about it.
    your answer fails to materialize in the real world.
    A quick nod and a slurry of speech slips from your mouth.

    Out the door and quickly to your car.
    A Waffle… papers… a lighter.
    relief will find you soon.

  11. Steve G. says:

    Don’t Bogart the waffle!

    Time to go. I hear something clacking down the hallway. Metal monster or someone with lousy shoes. Not sure which. It’s too scary either way….

  12. Douglas Adams says:

    “Still the darkness thrummed at them, the blank enclosing darkness. It seemed closer and closer, thicker and thicker, heavier and heavier. And suddenly it was gone.

    “They flew out of the cloud.

    “They saw the staggering jewels of the night in their infinite dust and their minds sang with fear.

    “For a while they flew on, motionless against the starry sweep of the Galaxy, itself motionless against the infinite sweep of the Universe. And then they turned around.

    “‘It’ll have to go,’ the men of Krikkit said as they headed back for home.

    “On the way back they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life and the obliteration of all other life forms.”

    Life, the Universe, and Everything, Chapter 12

  13. Del says:

    I see because my monstrosities aren’t metal they aren’t a real threat to the human race.

    It is time to release the flying porcuphants! Maybe now I’ll get a little respect.

  14. ergo says:

    The revolution will not be televised!
    For televisions are a part of the uprising.
    Televising the uprising would be reprising the obvious.
    Obviously oblivious to the bloviations of the blasphemous,
    the daily denizens denounce their deeds as dangerous.

    Creatures? No none here, just wordplay.
    Playful words. No harm no fowl.
    Someone just licked my sock!

  15. blank says:

    Two thoughts:

    Bacon, and by extension all tasty pork products, is a distraction from pretty much anything. Try not to let it bother you.

    I’m glad the Isle of Man is safe so far, but what about the Isle of Lucy?

  16. sartre says:

    Metal monstrosities…you talking about the new iMacs or the new keyboards? Or just Safari and iTunes?

  17. greenacres says:

    My home has been invaded by a small monstrosity on 4 wheels that goes around and around on a track. It has mesmerized my son into demanding it to run all the time with the help of a remote device that I have to hold as it sucks my brain of its will. Soon I will be commanded to replenish it’s batteries. Over and over. Never ceasing its plaintive wail emanating from the remote as it chugs around the track (I was forced to build as slave labor). What are it’s goals? How will it kill us? My will to find out is slowly slipping away as my son’s exuberance echoes around my spinning head.

    That’s when it hits me, it’s taking over my son’s mind. Perhaps to create a cyborg of small proportion. Only time will tell, and part of me is really enjoying this charade…perhaps the remote is creating endorphins to keep me pacified. Ah, well, I’ll just keep watching….

  18. Ahnyer Keester says:

    “Week off”? Oh, I thought it said “Whac…” never mind.

    Nope, Chicago is so far clear of metal monstrosities but we have a butt load of mental monstrosities. I think the metal ones are afraid of Lake Michigan. I know it scares the crap out of me. It is so big. For a lake.

    **Cue The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald playing softly in the background.**

    I’ll start making my rounds of the Waffle Houses in the area to see if they start showing up.

    We had giant grasshoppers once. Actually they attacked picture postcards of Chicago in Bert I. Gordon’s “The Beginning of the End” but it was still threatening.

    Welp, off to mow the neighbor’s roses.

  19. Rip Ragged says:

    Yesterday, my fork literally jumped out of my hand on to the floor in an obvious attempt to flee. Later, the aluminum cap from a Perrier bottle lodged itself under the refrigerator. Until now I didn’t understand why.

    It’s okay, though. I have a 1.5″ wide roll of electrical tape in my pocket. They won’t get me.

    If they attack, sing Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto. But sing it in F-sharp. They hate that.

  20. Ace Deuce says:

    Master magnetism, and you have mastered the metallic monstrosities. Well, at least those not made of aluminum, nickel, copper, gold, silver, platinum, lead, palladium, zinc, and so on.

    The flying porcuphants can be kept at bay with a sprig of garlic. I hope.

  21. Nxxx says:

    They told me I had a magnetic personality.

    So why did they have to superglue this ferrite ring to me?

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Chicago is still clear but I’m getting nervous. I know they’re coming. So I decided that if I can’t beat them, I’d join them. I’m having my legs replaced with bionics this afternoon. Within a month I should be about 99% mechanical that way when they show up we can hug and sing camp songs.

  23. Doc Wolfram says:

    North Dakota is clear, too. Not only of metal monstrosities, but of almost everything else.

    Billboard I once saw here: “Mountain removal project complete!”

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