Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

[IMPORTANT UPDATE: Shum Stra iz in our interwebs recordin’ our Help Desks and has the audio of the first question. Why go to all the trouble of reading it when you can just give it a listen (936k MP3)?]

Q: Hey! Have you heard of the latest dance craze to hit the techno-streets?!

A: Um… no.

Q: Yes! Dance, dance, to the throbbing beat of the DVORAK!

A: The…


A: I don’t think…

Q: It goes a little like this!

O o o o — it’s John Dvorrrrrak!
He’s the latest…
O O O O — he’s a crazy ass
He’s the insanest…

Writing through the night with hair lit up bright, he’s Dvorrrrrak.

And then there’s a dance.

A: Oookay. Uh, do you have a question?

Q: I, uh, just wanted to know if you had heard of the Dvorak.

A: I had not.

Q: OK, then.

Q: Oh, man, don’t let that turkey give you that jive about the Dvorak!

A: Um, OK.

Q: Naw! All the real hep cats are doin’ the Enderle!

A: Of course they are.

Q: It goes like this!

You put your bad opinion in, you take your money shot out,
You put your bad opinion in, and you shake it all about
You do the Apple joke-y and you turn it all around,
That’s what the Enderle’s all about

And, um, the dance is pretty much like the Hokey Pokey. Actually, it’s exactly like that.


Q: Well?!

A: Seems kind of obvious.

Q: That’s right! Just like Rob Enderle!

A: Hmm. Well, you make a good point there.

Q: Dvorak? Enderle? I dunno. Personally, I prefer to do the Steve Jobs.

A: Oh. How does that one go?

Q: I sit and still my thoughts until they are as a clear, untouched mountain lake. As I achieve total calm, I let the spirit of the Buddha wash over me. And then I am one.

A: Uh, wow. And what music do you do that to?

Q: Um… well, actually, I do it to LL Cool J’s “Big Ole Butt”.

A: Uh… huh.

Q: But, um, you could do it to anything really. The song doesn’t have to be butt related.

A: Oh. That’s good to know.

Q: Totally.

25 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. See, I’m starting to catch on to this posting in the middle of the day stuff.

    Now what do I look forward to this evening? More importantly, what will Nxxx have to do over his morning coffee and toast soldiers?

  2. Good to know the Jobs dance os not butt related.
    Although the subject matter of the other two are butts.

  3. Number 6.

    Now I’m going to have thouse songs stuck in my head. I’m sending you my therapist’s bill.

  4. Uhm… isn’t there a “zh” in Dvorak? I mean, just when you pronounce it? So it comes out kind of like “zherk?” Is that it?

  5. What’s the tune that goes with The Dvorak? I can’t quite picture it.
    The dance, I can get – lots of spasmodic body movements. Sort of like having an epileptic fit while standing on ice. Not as cool as the Dancing Fat Guy from the classic rock radio TV ads.

  6. “the Lisa had a big ole’ butt.
    I know Jobs said he’d be true,
    but the Lisa’s got a big ole butt,
    so IIe I’m leaving you!

    now the macs got a big ole butt…

  7. First, Apple revolutionizes the world of computers.

    Then, Apple revolutionizes the world of music.

    Now… gotta dance!

    I think it’s time to branch out into sculpture. And I don’t mean putting an Apple logo on a urinal.

  8. Dance schmance. Jobs in the lotus position…. now that’s a sight to behold…. with jeans and mock turtleneck, of course.

  9. Everybody to the Woz !
    Woz !

    Poo-pooh-pooh popoooh !
    Segway poh !

    Dance like a bear !

  10. You could do the Ball-mer.
    It’s totally about ass.


    Then you throw a chair. Then you yell,

    Maybe Vista sucked for you and your 13-year old, BUTT
    We know it’s great because we’re shoving BUTT loads of it up the government IT department’s ASS.

    We know it’s fine, cause Corporate America isn’t even putting any KY on it.
    They’re trying to run the fucker on Pentium Threes. Please.
    Kiss my ASS.

    Throw another chair.

    Developers, developers, developers.

    It’s something like that, anyway. It’s kinda like the macarena, except usually it’s just old fat Republicans doing it.

    Hey Moltz, my paycheck bounced again. That’s the 39th time this year. I’m starting to think there’s a pattern developing. I’m not writing one more snippet of Zune porn until I get my $19.50.

    That is NOT subject to negotiation.

    Dammit. Where are my glasses?

  11. I like Shum’s version better than the original. Better writing, none of that annoying laugh track, he actually ANSWERED the question.

    Everyone, whatever you do, don’t even begin to think about what the Moltz would look and sound like. I just got out of six hours traction after I let it cross my mind.

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