Apple Now Just Screwing With Greenpeace.

After yet another Greenpeace report complaining about Apple’s environmental record, sources indicate that the company is now just screwing with the international non-profit agency.

As Greenpeace chastised Apple for using toxic chemicals in the iPhone, there were indications that that wasn’t all they might find in its products.

“Yeah, I think we stuck a baby seal in the Mac Pro,” said CEO Steve Jobs. “And there may be some rhino in the iMac. Just a little. Near the USB ports.”

Despite being a vegetarian, Jobs seemed exceedingly gleeful at having further antagonized an organization that has been a thorn in his side. Jobs’ glee was shared by other Apple executives.

“Whatever you do, don’t look in the iPod classic!” said senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller. “Ha-ha! Whew! ‘Cause… ha-ha! Yeow.

“It’s um, panda. Eeyup. Turns out panda is a really good conductor. Who knew? Also looks pretty. Not like marine turtle, though. That is… mmmmmwah!”

Shaking his head, Schiller said ruefully “Wish we could get some more marine turtle. Damn.”

Apple products also reportedly include mountain gorilla, whale, dolphin and African elephant.

Other than all the executives, Apple declined to comment for this story, other than to say for the record that it was just screwing around and there really weren’t any animal parts in its products.

Other than iLife. Which has spotted owl.

31 thoughts on “Apple Now Just Screwing With Greenpeace.”

  1. Wave the sails!

    I mean, save the whales!

    Wait, am I rooting for the wrong team here? Are whales our bestest friends still? Or do we need the oil?

  2. You mean the ivory on the outside of my Power Mac is bad?
    C’mon… how many tusks could it have taken?

    Oh, and Ace- we still need the oil.

  3. I took my kids white dome iMac apart to attempt a repair on the optical drive and all the rhino leaked out all over the floor. Now the iMac spontaneously shuts down during use and sometimes spontaneously boots up with no one near it.

    (This story is almost entirely true.)

  4. I think there is a zoo in my Power Mac G5, after all it’s the last version of G5 they made so they had time to cram them all in during the upgrade path. This could explain why the manual has me changing the straw every day in the bottom.

  5. Now we know why Apple changed to Intel processors, they give off vast amounts of greenhouse gasses,

  6. They really won’t like what they see on October 26: OS X 10.5 is to be sold in real leopardskin boxes.

  7. @kingthedestroyer: _you_ give off vast amounts of greenhouse gases.

    (Ooh, good comeback, Lopsider; real mature.)

    I know you are but what am I?

  8. I have it on good authority that OS X v.10.5 is made entirely of San Mateo thornmint.

    If you laid all the comedy writers in the world end to end, Greenpeace would bitch about it.

    Listen, you two, stop fighting over whose turn it is with the pistol or I’ll bring it up in the front seat and nobody will be shooting anybody. Is that clear?

  9. I think I’m going to have the cutest animal I can possibly get for lunch today. Then I’m going to buy a litter of kittens for skeet shooting.


  10. Ils ont été tellement pissy depuis que nous avons fait exploser leur bateau, n’est c’est pas?

    Avec notre amour,

    Le France.

    iPhone Contains Cyanide! Bromide! Formaldahyde! RAW SEWAGE! –Handle carefully!
    Our friends at GreenPeace have once again outed Apple as a “toxic polluter of note”!
    … and where is their pollution? In you pocket! That’s right, right there! If you are one of the rubes who was unfortunate enough to buy one of these DeathPhones that is!

    Missed call: the iPhone’s hazardous chemicals
    The concerned citizens at GreenPeace ask:
    “When will promises of a greener Apple bear fruit?”

    See the complete report here!

    As a concerned citizen, a father, a member of Mankind! I implore Apple to stop the ravaging of our planet, the fish kills, the species endangering, the wanton disregard for the health and welfare of our families, Just for a phone! A stupid phone with bodily fluids smeared all over it from all that unsanitary “touching”!
    …”We recomend that you wrap it in recycled paper, put it outside, then call your counties’ Hazmat team!”

    Join with our friends at GreenPeace, stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! C’mon! stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! C’mon! stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! stop Steve Jobs! ….

    Be Earth-Friendly, buy a Zune or the soon coming ZuP

  12. Geez, why cant greenpeace figure out that it’s meizu’s m8 is the one with pollutants in it, not apple’s iPhone? iPwned.

Comments are closed.