22 Oct 07Apple Announces the Apple White Slave.

In a surprise announcement on today’s quarterly call with analysts, Apple said that it was adding a new product line that would revolutionize yet another industry: slave trading.

“When we were looking into this, we were surprised at how inefficient slave trading is today,” said Apple CEO Steve Jobs. “Scarce supply, erratic prices often driven by the proximity of law enforcement or the balance of one’s cocaine bill with the buyer. The Apple White Slave takes the guesswork out of finding quality slave labor.”

Jobs said that Apple’s White Slaves – all of which are adults between the ages of 18 and 30 – would all be offered at one flat price of $10,000.

This prompted some analysts to deride the lack of choice.

“This is just another example of how it’s always Apple’s way or the highway,” said Rob Enderle of the Rob and Mary Show. “Let’s say you’re looking to acquire several 9-year-olds. Well, Apple’s not interested in your business.

“This is why they’re going to go out of business any day now. I mean, have you heard they’re into slave trading?! And no 9-year olds! What is up with that?!”

Jobs did point out, however, that despite the name, the Apple White Slave is an equal opportunity forced labor solution.

“White is not in reference to the slave’s race,” Jobs noted. “It’s in reference to a wonderful program, just like (Product)Red program that’s currently available in our iPod lineup. See, it’s not the Apple White Slave, it’s the Apple White Slave. See the difference? And for every Apple White Slave you buy, a portion of your purchase goes to Project White.

“Which, ironically, helps fight the white slave trade. But you know…

Jobs did say, though, that the Apple White Slave is not for sexual purposes – as the term “white slave” is usually used – and that violation of this term of the license agreement could result in “bricking” of the Apple White Slave.

Although he did not explain how exactly that would happen.

It’s thought that this particular stipulation was added to protect future sales of the Apple Sexbot.

The Apple White Slave will go on sale immediately and be offered exclusively through Apple retail stores on a large wooden block to be added in the back.

30 Responses to “Apple Announces the Apple White Slave.”

  1. Sudo Nym says:

    The large wooden block, ironically, is constructed of Lincoln Logs.

  2. avow943 says:

    third!

  3. Ace Deuce says:

    Have you noticed that sales of the Apple Sexbot are always in the future? Never today, always tomorrow.

    As for the slave product: all God’s children gotta have their freedom. I guarantee that when they ship they will be revolting.

    Very revolting.

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Oh alright, I’ll be five this time…

  5. Sudo Nym says:

    This product is actually the result of a mishap with Time Machine. I’d hold off on Leopard until 10.5.1, at least.

    The slaves were going to be in Bondage Blue, but Jonathan Ive, acknowledging the time distortion issue, said that color choice was soooo 20th century.

    Apple Marketing wanted to call it the iSlave, but focus groups thought Jobs was just griping about how hard he works to bring us nice things.

  6. Jose says:

    Seven. Glorious seven. My mother will be so proud.

  7. Nxxx says:

    Unfair.
    Why not resellers?

  8. CB says:

    early, but still top ten. whohee.

  9. CB says:

    And what’s with “Scare supply”?

    Are slaves scared? Are sexbots scared? Are slaves sacred… or just sexbots?

  10. Ace says:

    What is less know is that Steve Jobs feels an embittered hate for the rock act the White Stripes. By using White in the Apple White Slave program he’s trying a guilt by association manoeuver. What Steve Jobs actually hopes to gain from this is unclear at present. Our local man found Steve Jobs sitting in a bar in Huntington Beach eating swedish meat balls and holding forth at length about the (alleged) substandard guitar play of Jack White. Unable to get a word in sideways our local representative is as confused as the rest of us.

  11. nameless norman says:

    that was a typo, when you wrote “bricking” with a “b” wasn’t it

  12. Ahnyer Keester says:

    So will Apple allow clones of this product? I mean, Steve shutdown the clones when he returned but I’m wondering if he’ll allow clones of Apple White Slaves, ya know?

    And I bet this is the real reason Apple dropped “Computer” from their company name.

  13. Anonymous says:

    She’s a brick…house!

  14. Loose Leaf says:

    I’m just wondering what Microsoft is going to call their knock off prodcut. Microslave?

  15. Ace says:

    Microserf naturally

  16. Anonymous Coward says:

    Damn, I was going to volunteer for this Apple White Slave thing. I thought there was sex involved. Wait, I’m 31. Guess that counts me out too. I hate Apple. They always screw with the Cowards.

  17. Zach says:

    Next: Apple Final Solution. The gas ovens have just one button.

  18. I know you people think this is just some kinda warped funny article. Even the author probablly thought he was kidding, but there is something to it. Apple does enslave it’s employees! have you ever seen their nondisclosure contract? Once you sign that, they are the only company you can ever work for as long as you live!
    http://fakesteveballmer.blogspot.com

    Spreadind the truth on thick!

  19. kingthedestroyer says:

    What about all the accesaries, Apple White Slave socks, etc.any third party stuff.

  20. Anomynous says:

    “When we looking into this” and “Scare supply”? Is that just how Steve talks, or is the close proximity of the typos a result of Moltz’s cocaine consumption (which is clearly what inspired this article in the first place)?

  21. Brother Mugga says:

    My wife’s just popped our first child. Alas, it’s a girl, so there’s no chance of her being able to catch or throw, and hence learn to play cricket. I was therefore thinking of just flogging her on e-bay, but this White Slave thing sounds like it might prove more financially lucrative, given Apple’s usual profit-margin. Would Apple be interested in me as a one-off supplier, do you know? If it helps seal the deal, my wife’s family have form in this area. I found a picture of her grandfather when he was living briefly in South Africa and apparently they had a few ‘native helpers’ shacked up in a shed at the bottom of the garden.

    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  22. San Simeon Legree says:

    Apple is leveraging its technologies. Combine iWork and an iSlave, and what thanks you’ll get!

  23. DW says:

    I think that the “Scare supply” is in honor of the up-coming Halloween holiday!

    (Oh, and is it now Jennifer “bricking” Connelly?)

  24. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Mr. Ballmer,

    Why would we want to work anywhere other than Apple? I mean after the lobotomy scars heal we look just like anyone else and we’re happy. That’s what they tell us anyway. That we’re happy.

    How do you retain employees at Microsoft? Shackles? Blackmail? Hostages? Just curious.

  25. Steve G. says:

    I think that “bricking” of the Apple White Slave involves some sort of manual labor (e.g., physically hitting it with a brick). Which sort of defeats the whole purpose of getting the Apple White Slave in the first place.

  26. Major Flatus says:

    Will AppleCare be available for the White Slave? Will the Black Slave cost $200 more? And will the Slave Pro come shackled in brushed aluminum?

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