Hey, kids! Have you heard about the Leopard! Oh, yah, it’s the new thing all the hep cats are into! Come Friday, you don’t want to be that one dorkweed still on Tiger! I mean, Tiger? What’s that?!
Well, it’s the operating system you’re all running now, of course.
Except for Larry who’s still running OS 9.
Get with the program, Larry!
Now, you may have seen some sites that attempt to give you the 411 on Leopard. But don’t let those bitches use your toothbrush, my friend! We’ve boiled down their “supposed” list of “300 features” to 10 essential things to take away about the Leopard!
Now… Let’s Leopard!
If you’re like me, you have many questions. What is Leopard? What does it do? How does it do it? Who’s responsible? What’s that thing on my back? Is it a mole? Should I have that checked? It’s more like a flap of skin, isn’t it? Does that look right to you? Doesn’t it look like the kind of thing you see on the people who live in the Port Authority terminal? Should I get some kind of an ointment? I probably shouldn’t pull it off with a pair of tweezers…
…or should I?!
Let’s find out!
- Leopard runs on your compooter! Provided your compooter is one o’ them there Mac jobbies. It makes the computer go and run fast!
- Leopard is one of those cool kids who kind of spans all groups. Like sometimes you’ll see it with the stoners out back of the cafeteria by the dumpster, yah, but it’s also got a letter jacket in track so it can hang with the jocks. And it spent the summer in Paris and totally rules the French Club!
- You may have heard that Leopard is made up of ones and zeros. Not true. Leopard is made of fancy cheese!
- Did you know that Leopard adds integers and fractions?! It’s true!
- Leopard manages the sharing of the resources and processes system data and user input, all while lookin’ all gussied up like! Yeah! It’s tarted up prettier than a $50 whore! Have you seen that Time Machine? Oh, man, would I like to hit that!
- Apropos of nothing, Leopard makes its own blender mayonnaise!
- Leopard comes with a free sticker! How cool is that?!
- If you were to time travel and take a Mac with Leopard loaded on it back to 1973 and were to show some people then what computers will be like in the future, you could totally get some hot 1973 chick into bed with you! But make sure it’s not your mom, dude.
- Leopard avenges thee upon those who hath wronged thee!
- Leopard is a sense of warm fulfillment, like sitting close to a loved one in a far-away cabin watching the snow fall and drinking hot chocolate. Which is good for you, because everyone hates you and you live in an efficiency and are allergic to chocolate.
So do yourself a favor, princess. Get in your busted-ass AMC Pacer and head down to the Apple Store on Friday and pick up a copy of Tiger.
I mean Leopard.
Or maybe you just need some RCA cables.
Fuck if I know.
Who am I? Kreskin?