25 Oct 07Special Thursday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk Leopard Special! Special!

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

But tomorrow we’re going to be off gettin’ our Leopard on and so are you so, you know, we’ll just see you there. But today we’re giving you the skinny on Apple’s new OS!
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Q: Oh, man, I am so stoked about Leopard! Yeah!

A: Yeah. It’s gonna be a nice upgrade.

Q: Nice?! Dude, it’s so gonna rock! Do you know the first thing I’m gonna do when I get home with it?

A: Install it?

Q: No! I’m gonna sit on it!

A: Um… what?

Q: Yeah! I’m going to take the disk out of the box and I’m gonna sit on it until the circle of the DVD is imprinted on my ass!

A: Why… the hell would you do that?

Q: Then I’d be the dude with Leopard on his ass!

A: But it’d just wear off in like five minutes.

Q: Ah, but what a glorious five minutes!

A: You’re… odd.

Q: Yeah, just you wait. Come Saturday everybody’s gonna be talking about the dude with Leopard imprinted on his ass. Make that Zune tattoo guy look like a simp.

A: He already looks like a simp.

Q: Well… more of one.
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Q: My question is more of a tactical one about the best way to get my hands on Leopard.

A: Shoot.

Q: Is it OK to knock old ladies over in the mad rush to get in the Apple Store door?

A:

Q: Well, OK, tactical and moral.

A: Old ladies? No. It’s never OK to knock over old ladies. Well… it would have been OK at the iPhone release but… missed opportunities and whatnot.

Q: Oh. What about teenagers?

A: Oh, totally. Frankly, you can shove them to the ground any time.

Q: That’s what I thought. OK, pre-teens?

A: Mmm, that’s a gray area. You’re gonna have to call an audible on that one, my friend. Just use your best judgement.

Q: Paraplegic?

A: Um, no.

Q: Man! This is hard! You’d think Apple would publish some kind of chart or something.

A: Right. They should totally do that.
________________

Q: I have a question about backing up my Mac before I install Leopard.

A: What?!

Q: Um, well, I was wondering what the easiest way to back my Mac up…

A: Ha-ha! What a wuss!

Q: “Wuss”? Does anyone even say that anymore?

A: Only when there’s a major-league wuss around!

Q: Hey, backing up is a very important step…

A: I’m sorry, Jennifer…

Q: It’s Lewis.

A: …if you want to copy your pwecious data onto some fricking floppies or something, that’s your business. Heh-heh. “Backup”.

Q: You’re not a very good Help Desk guy.

A: Oh, please, like I’m worried about your opinion you great big pansy. Just man up and fire up that upgrade, nnkay?

31 Responses to “Special Thursday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk Leopard Special! Special!”

  1. Carbonfish says:

    I would have been first if I had noticed that no one else had commented yet, but instead I took the time to read the post…

    sigh…

  2. Carbonfish says:

    Okay, well that’s just embarrassing.

  3. Nxxx says:

    From your third answer John, do you approve of unprotected sex as well, sexbots excluded?

  4. Rip Ragged says:

    Back ups? What the hell? I didn’t know this was that kind of a place. Dang. Next thing you know there’ll be guys slow dancing together to Wind Beneath My Wings.

    We don’t back up Macs. Who the h

    U*&^^^%%%

    NO CARRIER

  5. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Backing up Leopard? That sounds naughty.

    6-ish

  6. Seano says:

    8 is great i am still waiting for Mac OS Y . piranha

  7. Kenbod says:

    Niners.

    Carbonfish, quick taking up space in the top ten! You got the coveted position, don’t be greedy!

  8. Kenbod says:

    Wait, in this phrase:

    “You’re gonna have to call and audible on that one”

    Is that:

    “You’re gonna have to (call and audible) on that one”

    or is that:

    “You’re gonna have to call (and) audible on that one”

    And if so, what does the phrase “audible on that one” mean?

    11? 10? (If so, sorry Carbonfish, guess I don’t practice what I preach!)

  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Don’t back up, just buy a new Mac with Leopard preinstalled, then transfer all your goodies from your current setup, then run both computers and OSes side by side so you can blog about what you like and dislike, then in a month, when Leopard is updated, buy a new Mac and repeat. Now count the commas in the previous sentence.

  10. CB says:

    Man, i’m so late. and it wasn’t the game either.

  11. CB says:

    it’s “an audible”, John. “an” – no “d” [right, guys?]

    And Carbonfish – you are a hog. I would have made top X tonight if not for you.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    On the right side of the Planet it’s just over an hour to Leopard.

    Pity I’m going out to get drunk rather than queuing like a dweeb.

  13. scared monster, also known as Waiting or Wailing says:

    Well
    I am going to wait until the first update (blah, blah…)
    always bugs in the first versions (blah…)
    fix them and (blah…blah…)

    Rip, anytime for a slow dance.

  14. GoldFibre says:

    Actually Streetrabbit, in Singapore they withhold retail copies of Leopard until 7pm. (1 hour AFTER US release) Nazis! I know they are hiding them in the back, but they wouldn’t take a bribe. 🙁

  15. Ace Deuce says:

    Streetrabbit has to wait for the upside-down edition anyway.

  16. Nxxx says:

    As the disc is circular, what is right way up anyway?

    BTW BEST THURSDAY HELP DESK EVER.

  17. Doc W0lfram says:

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  18. Apple Lopsider says:

    Nxxx, CDs, DVDs, and HD-DVDs are _not_ circular; they are cylindrical. Only if Leopard were released on Blu-ray disc would your statement have been correct.

    Blu-ray discs are famous for being 2-dimensional objects; flat circular planes whose “top” and “bottom” surfaces extend toward both poles bordering the physical dimension; and, in many cases, breaching them, transcending time and space as we know it.

    For this reason, Microsoft, Toshiba, and a couple of the crappier studios, are recommending a Blu-ray Non-Proliferation Treaty preventing this dangerous technology from reaching non-sanctioned states. Thus far, only South Korea (a wholly-owned EMI subsidiary) and Texas have ratified the treaty.

    When questioned about the BNPT, a White House official said that, “We are going to have to call and audible on that one” before making a decision.

  19. Huh? says:

    For some odd reason… I get the feeling Doc is waiting…

  20. MilkAndChase says:

    Back-Ups!?!? We don’t need no stinking BACKUPS!!!

    uh … is the screen supposed to look like that? With the letters over the black background on half the screen and the UNIX coding and OH MY GOD ITS A KERNEL PANIC!

    ARGH! I hope I can recover my files … yeah, maybe if I were to have backed-up my files. Or I had a time machine … yeah, it’s a little known fqact that if you strapped your Mac running OSX 10.4.10 to a flux capatiro, hooked up to a plutonium reactor generating 1.21 gigawatts of electricty while going 88 miles per hour, you can recover your files with no problems!

  21. Loose Leaf says:

    I thought the southern hemisphere versions spun the other way.
    You’ll have to reverse the wires to the motor on a northern hemisphere drive to get them to play.

  22. croikle says:

    Great back-page article in Macworld, by the way. Made me laugh quite a few times.

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    Very sloooww. Everyone waiting for Time Machine s’pose?

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    Wow. I got to playing with Time Machine and it transported me all the way back to 2007; Late October near as I can tell.

    Merry Christmas.

  25. Many of you peolpe out there do not realize the truth, all software is born at Microsoft, even our competitor’s! You see the Apple hackers constantly scour our site for hints of what we are planing for the future, they send spys, moles, fake pizza-boys,… In their desperation they even steal experimental betas so far from production that even most MS employees don’t realise that we are developing them. They then slap some of their crappy code under these interfaces and claim to have developed it first.
    This is why Leopard and all of the so called versions of OSX over the past 5 years looks like Vista, you see, Vista is the real thing. We just take our time to make sure it is done right before releasing to the public. We care, we take our time, we do stable coding. Don’t be duped by imitations.

    http://fakesteveballmer.blogspot.com

  26. MCJE says:

    I waited in line for Leopard for three hours. I got my Leopard box, but when I got home it had Vista! Well, yeah, it was the Ultimate version, but my Mac doesn’t have an Intel processor.

    I also suspicious of this t-shirt. It has the word “help” stitched inside and smells like lead.

  27. Daniel says:

    I couldn’t understand some parts of this article Special Thursday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk Leopard Special! Special!, but I guess I just need to check some more resources regarding this, because it sounds interesting.

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