09 Nov 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have an SE that I need to connect through a LocalTalk network to an ethernet router and then to a wireless LAN. But I’m really more interested in getting answers to the big questions of life.

A: Oh, you mean like are we alone in the universe?

Q: No. I was thinking more like how does pudding work?

A: How does it work? What does that even mean? You just get a spoon and…

Q: Well, what color is air?

A: It’s not really a color…

Q: Why are there sheep?

A: Mutton, I’d guess. Tasty, tasty mutton.

Q: Who first made dirt?

A: I’m going to have to guess the Mesopotamians.

Q: Why is there no pork sushi?

A: Are you kidding me?

Q: And finally, what’s that thing in my ear?

A: Uh, that would be your finger.

Q: Ah. So it is.

Q: I’m a long-time Mac user and I have a few favorites, but I was wondering if you have any suggestions for good word processing applications.

A: Oh, no, no. A few “favorites”? Right. I’ve seen this kind of behavior before, my friend.

Q: What?

A: I’m not going to validate your sickness.

Q: Sickness? What are you talking about?

A: You have an addiction to word processors.

Q: What?! No I don’t. I can quit any time I want.

A: Oh, really? Well, then, delete one of them.

Q: Fine. No problem. Pick one.

A: OK. Mellel.

Q: What?! No, no. I can’t delete Mellel. It’s got such a nice interface. Just, um, pick another.

A: OK. AbiWord.

Q: Uh…

A: C’mon. It looks like ass.

Q: Well, yes, but it’s open-source. I just really like to support open-source.

A: Sure you do. And I’m sure you like Mariner Write because you like to support small software developers.

Q: Um…

A: And you like Pages because it’s from Apple.

Q: Well, sure…

A: And you like Nisus because it has a jaunty icon.

Q: It is jaunty!

A: So, there it is. You can’t even delete one word processing application.

Q: Tell you what, I’ll delete Word.

A: Oh, jeez, talk about an empty gesture! Get some help, man!

Q: Hey, I just installed the iPhone 1.1.2 update and it bricked my iPhone!

A: Oh, that’s a drag. Did you run jailbreak on it?

Q: [sigh] Yes. And the stupid thing is, I did the same thing on my last iPhone. I didn’t restore before running the update. Bricked it up good.

A: So you’re on your second iPhone?

Q: I wish. No, let’s see, there was iPhone number 1 – that one I lost in a mosh pit the day after the iPhone release in June…

A: Uh-huh.

Q: Then there was iPhone number 2 which was devoured by ravenous beavers.

A: That’ll happen.

Q: iPhone number 3 was the one I had the longest. And then one day it just exploded. Boom.

A: Really?

Q: Well… there was something of a mishap, shall we say, involving some, um, C4.

A: Right.

Q: And then there was iPhone number 4.

A: What happened to that one?

Q: Uh, I’d rather not say.

A: Why not?

Q: It’s lodged somewhere… personal.

A: You know, maybe you just weren’t meant to have nice things.

Q: I’m also starting to wonder if that’s not the case.

31 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk”

  1. Magnanimous Wang says:

    I was first until I read the article!

    Also, John Moltz is John Gruber!

  2. Ace Deuce says:


  3. Magnanimous Wang says:

    Sweet! I still managed to be first. Good triumphs over rapidity once again!

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    I mean Deuce….

  5. Magnanimous Wang says:

    More like deuce.

    As in, I think have to drop a big deuce.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Now I’m afraid to ask where the good scissors are.

  7. Carbonfish says:

    Well, I can’t just let the two of you go on like this all day. Sorry to break up the party, but…


  8. Carbonfish says:

    Oh yeah, John, check your spelling on one of your “jaunties”.


  9. Ace Deuce says:

    Carbonfish, check your spelling on “Thanx.” I think you would do better to spell it “Thanques.”

  10. Nxxx says:


  11. blank says:

    I’m posting this from my iPod. Sad, isn’t it?

  12. scared monster, also known as Living Proof Of Something, Surely, says:

    I would like to know if I could turn a brick into an iPhone, please. Make it Jaunty !

  13. blank says:

    And John Gruber is Jack Miller! Ever see the three of them together? I thought so…

  14. CB says:

    OK, so the first caller/questioner is Gruber.

    The second is Leo.

    The third is Scott Bourne.

  15. Loose Leaf says:

    I’m going for some bacon sushi. Anyone else want some?

  16. Rip Ragged says:

    I don’t get the whole 1.1.2 thing. Why can’t I substitute the caesar salad for a side of fries. I don’t want paper or plastic. All I want is my frigging corn flakes in a bag, okay? Debit or credit? Cash back? Window or aisle? Please put down the pistol. Sir, your thing is hanging out; please zip up. Why can’t people just leave me ALONE????’

    I don’t care about the fifth Beatle. I just want to be able to download Penny Lane on iTunes. I already own it on LP, 45, 8-track, and CD. I want the complete set.

  17. Nxxx says:

    Hate to ruin your weekend but Penny Lane was also available on Compact Cassette over here.
    Please do not commit sepuku, well not unless we can watch, U Tube if necessary.

  18. Vermilion says:

    It’s good to know that I’m not the only one who’s lost an iPhone somewhere… personal. It’s stuck on vibrate, yet I keep charging it every night. One of these days, I’ll call AT&T and get it deactivated.

  19. Peter Jaros says:

    No pork sushi? No pork sushi!? What about tonkatsumaki?

    Mmm, tonkatsumaki…

  20. ArtOfWarfare says:

    lol, why did he install word at all? My computer came with an office demo, the only thing I did with that was use “Remove Office”.

  21. fractured cell says:

    one off the top twenty. damn.

    O_o wibble…

  22. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    Since the comments are more amusing than the article, I was wondering if they could do a little switch-er-oo. Switching is, after all, a very apple thing to do.

  23. Just checking in! I see you people are still having a LOT of problems!
    Buy Vista!

  24. Apple Lopsider says:

    John, about that first one: next time Rob Enderle calls, just don’t answer.

  25. blank says:

    Tonkatsu Curry!

    It’s easily the weirdest thing I encountered on my recent trip to Japan. Say it with me: Tonkatsu Curry! Just sounds wrong, doesn’t it?

    Tastes good though…

  26. ...House says:

    Actually, tonkatsu curry sounds yummy (vegan though I am now), it’s beef (or beefu) curry that sounds all wrong. Of course, it’s curry pudding I’m really wondering about….

  27. dogazagod says:

    Air is transparent color… adobe has it in their color palette… Adobe wouldn’t lie… would they?

  28. Walking Contradiction says:

    Damnit, they didn’t answer the first question! It was the most important question of all …


    Inquiring minds need to know!

  29. Apple Lopsider says:

    The stodgy end goes in your mouth.

    Anything else is byproduct.

  30. Doc W0lfram says:

    Tonkatsu curry IS great. We had a Japanese exchange student that taught us how to make it (though he didn’t call it that). It also uses apples, which we have a lot of right now…

  31. Pantalones says:

    And here I thought Jobs was anti-pants: http://www.crazyapplerumors.com/?p=882

    Tho judging by the picture we should have seen this coming…